BPDFamily.com

Looking for easy tried and true ways to calm my girlfriend down when she has mood swings. She tends to lash out more often when I have made any sort of decision, right or wrong, on just about subject. Been dating her for over 7 months and I am in love with her, and although I try so hard not to fuel her fire when her mood changes dramatically, it's so hard sometimes not to defend myself and try to make her realize she's not making any sense.

Hey, welcome to the group. It's good to hear that you want to learn some tools and skills to make things "less worse" in your relationship.

You mention trying really hard not to defend yourself -- that's a good insight to have, as defending oneself can "add fuel to the fire" during conflict with a pwBPD (person with BPD).

Check out our discussion on not "JADE-ing"  here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0) and let us know if any parts, such as the D for defensiveness, resonate with you.

Can I ask -- what led you to wondering about BPD? Google search? Therapist comment? Other?

Take your time and settle in, we're glad you found us --

kells76

Hi Kells, and thanks for the welcome. First, my girlfriend has been open since early in our relationship that she has BPD or bipolar, and I have done my fair share of reading up on the topic over the past several months. I have lsitened to an audio book about BPD, I bought her a BPD "workbook" for self help, and even had her going back to therapy for a few weeks, but that has since stopped. I love her and I want to help in any way I can, and obviously I understand that her condition will never simply go away. I found this forum last night as a means to read and understand some real life situations. A few months ago I joined a couple of BPD groups on Facebook, but the content of some of those is hit and miss. Thanks for the help and I hope I may find some answers here.

Im new to the group but not to coping with a bpd lover. My first suggestion will always be lookup “codependency” to assess if you are prone to becoming part of the problem by taking responsibility for your partner’s feelings. Another self assessment would be your own  “attachment style” to see if youre insecurely attached. Then ya look at some techniques suggested throughout this site/forum. You will find lots of listening and validation is supposed to help.  But in my case, my partner cannot be calmed (at least no technique has worked yet) so my role during her tantrums is to get out of the way and stay safe emotionally until the storm blows over, hoping also that no collateral damage was done in the meantime. Also I’m sure 7 months feels like a big deal, and I’m not advocating breakup, but be mindful that months turn into years pretty quick—so again assess yourself for codependency and insecure attachment to be sure youre in it for the right reasons. Good luck! .

This would indicate that she has a high need to be in control of all decision making, and wear the pants in the relationship, so to speak. If you are willing to defer to her at all times you will probably spare yourself her wrath a good deal of the time. However, you may not be willing to live like that.

If you are not, then your only viable option is to for you validate her feelings of frustration at not being able to call the shots at all times, but that while you are willing to occasionally defer to her, you are not willing to do so at all times. An eruption will likely ensue, but if hold the limit a few times, she may be capable of adjusting to the painful reality that she is not actually omnipotent, which is a developmental stage pwBPD have not mastered. Good luck to you!