BPDFamily.com

Hi all...I'm new to this site and eager for your wisdom!

I have a 23 yo daughter with BPD who is a difficult person.  She lies all the time (to everyone).  She is often full of rage; and self loathing.  And, she has terrible ADHD and anxiety.  She's basically a powder-keg ready to explode. 

Meanwhile, I am a quiet person who loathes anger and explosive rage.  I shut down and don't know what to do.  But, her father has walked away from her, and I'm all she has.

To make it worse, she is ALWAYS in money trouble, and even though I have said - repeatedly that I'm not her bank, she keeps coming back.  How do I STOP the nonstop money requests?  I was hoping to retire soon, but I dont think I can with this.  Thoughts on what I can do?

Hello nikkersdg, welcome to the group  :hi:


Sounds like an understatement -- we can definitely relate.

OK, so she is coping with incessant lying, rages, self-hatred, ADHD, anxiety, and extreme sensitivity. That's a lot for her and for you.

Am I tracking with you that you and her dad are no longer in a relationship? Or is it that he no longer has anything to do with her, but you and he are together? Just getting a better idea of the family setup.


Good question, and one that gets asked a lot here.

First of all, does your D23 still live at home? Or, is she on her own? With friends? At college? Other?

One of the challenges when dealing with a pwBPD (person with BPD), which is actually a challenge we can grow from, is learning and implementing real boundaries.

A common misperception about boundaries is that it means we tell someone else to stop something: "My boundary is that you can't do XYZ".

Interestingly, boundaries aren't that at all! Boundaries are things that are totally in our control. Boundaries aren't for other people, but are a reflection of our values and what we allow in our lives. In fact, we don't even have to explain or announce our boundaries to anyone else, for them to be valid! Boundaries are things we can do that don't require anyone else's agreement or cooperation (fortunately)!

I bet you have noticed this in your interactions with her about money: you told her, explicitly, that you're not "the bank", yet she keeps coming back.

What you don't have control over is what she says, does, and asks for. Nothing you say or do can control her statements, actions, and requests.

But!

What you do have control over is: opening your wallet. She can ask 24/7, but the nice thing is, if you've already thought about your values (like saving for retirement) and have decided on a boundary like "I don't lend money", you don't have to give her anything... and you don't have to explain why any more.

I am also a person who loathes conflict. In a weird way, though it can seem like having a boundary like that would increase conflict (and yeah, the first couple times, she might try pushing really hard), long term it allows you to minimize what you say about it. You don't have to get involved in big arguments any more. You can just say "No, I am not able to", or "Sorry, no", or "No; and I'm confident you'll figure something else out". End of discussion -- there's nothing to argue about any more.

So, to sum up an answer to your question, my take is that while you can't stop her from making her requests, you do have total control over your response to her. Our discussion on Boundaries and Values (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0) here might be interesting to you -- check it out and let us know what stood out to you.

Rest assured you're in a group that gets it. We know it isn't easy having an adult child wBPD (or anyone in our lives with BPD). Keep us in the loop on how you have been doing;

kells76

Welcome to BPD family.

It sounds like you are enabling her if she keeps on coming back and asking for/requesting money.  It sounds like you may eventually be giving in and giving her some.

You can either stop giving her money without giving in or wean her off your purse.  Do, expect more protests in the short term [days or a week or two] but once she realizes that you are serious these demands or requests should become less frequent.

If you can't do this, leave a message here, I will offer up several strategies to 'wean' her off your purse.

SaltyDawg I would love to hear those strategies. My D18 says 'I am trying to just survive through my depression, I can NOT think about money right now'. She has gone through a TON in the past 2 years and I am so proud of her for going to college but I am setting limits on spending and she is so upset saying other friends don't have to struggle with budget like this and it is adding to her stress.  I dont want to be too hard and yet want to set boundaries. How do you know when you are being too tough?

D18 - so she is a freshman in college I am presuming?

Apply for Free Money: 

• Scholarships - from any number of sources in your community, your employer, her father's employer [even if estranged], civic organizations, etc., etc.
• Grants - https://studentaid.gov/understand-aid/types/grants the lower your income, the more is available
• Financial Aid - contact her schools financial aid office, and apply for any scholarships, discounts, stipends, etc. your daughter can apply for.  The worst they will tell you is 'no' and you are only out the time it took to fill out the application

Budget:  Make a budget and stick to it. 

• Do one for yourself, to determine the amount of disposable income that you can spare, and allocate what you want to your D18 that you are comfortable with, don't deviate from that number.  Be sure to set aside enough for unforseen circimstances.
• Make a budget for your D.  Be sure to include any monies that she makes from a job as a source of income, include any monies from scholarships/grants/student loans as well.  Then start deducting cost of tuition, books, fees, room, board, etc., etc.  Keep in mind, you will likely get a lot of feedback here from your daughter, so make one that covers the essentials for her in advance - non-negotiable expenses, to see how much money is left over.

More for your Money: 

• Coupons / BOGO / Comparison Shop / etc. - Make your money stretch, use coupons, buy one get one offers, discount codes, use discount sites like slickdeals and retailmenot - my two favorite, I have literally saved over a million dollars of the years by using those two sites alone
• Eat at home / Staycations - you can save a lot by not going out, but doing it at home instead.  Last night I hosted a crab leg dinner for $50 which would have cost $500 at a restaurant, yes a 90% savings.
• Buy Used - Goodwill, Thrift Stores, Ebay, Freecycle, Craig's List, etc., etc., etc. - you can get items for as little as a dime on the dollar, or even free - I picked up a commercial playground set for free, worth $25,000 new for free, I just had to pay $300 for stainless steel bolts and one welding repair.  Most items you can pick up for a fraction of the cost typically half price or less than what you would buy for it retail
• If it ain't broke, don't fix it - If you have a perfectly good working phone, TV, car, etc. don't replace it at a high cost of several hundred dollars, and if you must replace it, try to buy used if it makes sense
• Use low cost alternatives - I have replaced my cable, land line, cell phones, internet with low cost alternatives saving thousands of dollars per year.  If you are on public assistance you can even do that cheaper with subsidized programs.
• Replace one car with an e-bike or e-scooter [if practical] - No insurance, recharges with as little as 5 cents per charge, can park and go where cars cannot.  It will pay for itself inside of a year.
• Replace high priced food for less expensive and more nutritious foods, make your own foods.  Have fish instead of crab.  Have home made coffee instead of Starbucks, etc. etc. etc.
• Reduce your subscriptions, especially if you don't use them, or cycle them if you do. - For instance many have Amazon Prime, I limit it to one month a year [holiday season] and usually get it at a discount.  So, I pay $7.50 or free versus $139 a year depending on the current offer they have.  Hulu, Peacock, etc.   If you don't use it, get rid of it.  Same for other recurring monthly costs that you don't use.
• Go Minimalist - while I don't do this one, my D16 does [has mental health issues too, not as severe as your D18 though], it saves a bunch of $$$'s.
  
  

If you do everything on this list, you can easily save tens of thousands per year, and over the course of a career, you can save millions, I did, so I can and have retired early and have plenty to cover unforeseen expenses.

I read your other post, and that your D is BPD and her dad is not really there.  BPD's are terribly impulsive and will not spend their money where it is needed, but on things that they impulsively want.  This means, that you will have to give her an allowance on a weekly basis (not monthly) for luxury items, like Starbucks Coffee vs the dorm coffee pot if your budget allows it.  Manicure vs doing her own nails.  Etc., etc.  She will eventually have to learn this for herself, so an allowance is a good tool for this. 

If she protests that her allowance is not enough, encourage her to get a job so she can afford to get items she needs and/or wants.  For BPD's who wear their emotions on their sleeve, that will limit what she can do, find a job that is a good fit - dishwasher, table busser, other similar type of work comes to mind.  Alternatively you can augment it with work around the home, or reward her for good grades [if she is struggling in this area].  Just like in the real world, the more you work, the more you get.  So if she wants to spend more, she needs to get more, and the most practical way of doing that is for her to get a job and working more hours.

She uses the excuse of what others have, I am willing to bet, many of her friends are holding down jobs and have more disposable income because of this - compare notes with her friend's parents - you will often get a different story there.  If you dig deeply enough on the comparison factor, it may very well be that your D is getting the better end of the deal without having to work for it.

Also, if you are paying for her education, make sure that you pay it for her, so you know it is indeed paid, do not give her money to spend on these items [unless she has demonstrated responsibility].  I had a previous NPD/BPD ex gf who was that way, she would buy nice toys, but would not pay for essentials, she, her children, and animals suffered due to her self-centered narcissistic borderline ways.

I know that you and her have been through a lot from your first post, so you are inclined to spend extra for her.  However, you need to make sure that you have enough money for yourself -- it is kind of like putting on your oxygen mask first, so you have energy and resources to put the oxygen mask on your child.  If you can't take care of yourself, you cannot take care of her either.

Consider weaning her off your support to prepare her for life as she progresses through school so she can be encouraged to become self-sufficient especially if she is a high-functioning person, like my D16 is.