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I've had anxiety my whole life (generalized anxiety disorder).  It's not something I've sought out help for because I've always thought it was pretty mild. 

I've now been in a relationship with my uBPDw for 10 years and we have 2 kids.  All you caretakers know how anxiety provoking a BPD spouse can be on a daily basis- I never feel like I can truly breath, have time for myself and always Walking on Eggshells.  While I've tried all the stuff in the book, I find it extremely hard to find time (or space) to focus on mindfulness and exercise, and I often am too on edge or anxious to calm my mind to do it...   

I recently went to a new primary care doctor and he talked to me about my anxiety and offered up an SSRI for me to try, such as Zoloft or Lexapro.  I've honestly never know this was an option.  Has anyone tried these medications to help cope with their anxiety producing BPD caretaker situation? 

My father seemed to be nervous and tense most of the time. As he got older, he began to involve me in some of his doctor visits. I was surprised to learn he was taking SSRI's. I didn't think he had any history of anxiety or depression.

When deciding about medication like this, doctors depend on what a patient tells them. They may ask questions about mood and changes in sleep and diet, but unless the patient is completely honest about what stressors they are facing, the doctor may not see the whole picture.

One thing I know about my father is that he would not ever reveal what was going on with my BPD mother. His main concern was to protect her from scrutiny. So it's very likely his doctor ( he's a great doctor ) went with what my father did tell him- that he's stressed and anxious a lot of the time but didn't know why. And based on what he was told, it made sense to offer an SSRI. I think it was the best decision based on my father's choices. Would he have needed them otherwise? I don't know that and it probably didn't matter if he needed them at the time.

These medicines can be life savers and I don't question their use when needed. This is the only option that would have been acceptable for my father. He was committed to my mother, no matter what. If he needed medicine to cope, and it helped, then I am glad he had it.

Anxiety tells us something. Now, if someone has too much of it, then medication can be helpful. Sometimes it is situational. I have a friend who went on SSRI's after her husband passed away for a while. She was so distraught she could not eat and lost too much weight. It was the right call to offer her relief. Her need was temporary. She still grieves but is able to function.

This is up to your doctor but it's possible you have a pre-disposition to anxiety anyway and the situation you are in has brought this on.  Are the medicines temporary to help you make changes or are they for the long run? Although we here can share our stories, this is something to continue to follow with your doctor. It could help your doctor to know what you are dealing with, but that's scary and may threaten your marriage.

Thanks NotWendy for sharing the story of your father and SSRI's.  I think we'd be surprised if we knew how many of those around us take SSRI's.  My big wonder is if my anxiety is "bad enough" to take the medication... probably for life.  If it helps I'm not sure why I would get off of it (other than the fact that it can have unpleasant side effects).

I think the living with a BPD person just compounds my anxiety- and also makes it so I can't focus on self care as much or even open up to her about my own issues.  Even if I can find time to meditate, exercise, breath, etc, my mind is usually still highly activated so it's hard to focus on those things.  It takes me an insane amount of time to wind down and I never truly feel relaxed.

Occasionally (every couple months) I will feel super anxious about something for maybe a day, and feel really fatigued like I want to lay in bed.  Social situations like public speaking make me really nervous as well, and I have to do it occasionally for my job.  I've always had poor concentration/focus/memory but thought it was just ADHD... now I'm wondering if it's also anxiety causing this.  So for this reason I was also wondering if I might benefit from an SSRI. 

I think it's a personal decision between someone and their doctor. There are some cases where depression/anxiety is health threatening, like my friend who stopped eating and people who are so depressed they are not functioning. But for mild cases, maybe it's a choice in some situations. People also cope with exercise, meditation, counseling.

I don't believe my father was baseline anxious but his situation made him anxious and he did not want to change that.

I get anxious around my mother. After I visit her, I don't sleep well. It takes me a couple of weeks before I can sleep through the night. Even thinking about encountering her makes me feel panicky. When we are walking on eggshells around someone, we are on high alert. We haven't physically evolved since the days where this protected us from wild animals.

Your choice may be to change your situation by reducing the stressors, or to find ways to cope with that. Medication alone won't change the dynamics with your wife- getting counseling, meditation, self care- those are ways to cope too.

Sadly, I saw my father slowly evolve from the dynamic person I knew to an anxious, nervous enabler. But he would not have it any other way. He did do some self care though. He took long walks, went out for breakfast and lunch ( BPD mother doesn't cook). He liked to talk to people. But his #1 priority was my mother. If medication helped him cope with that choice, then I hope they did, as he'd not have had it any other way. I don't see this as the only choice and I don't necessarily agree with it but it isn't my choice to make.

Maybe it's a bit like having borderline diabetes that can be managed with diet if someone is able to change their diet. But if someone is not able to stop eating candy, or doesn't have much choice at the moment, then they need to use medication. Maybe it's the best choice someone can make in the moment.

Great points!   I don’t think I would consider meds if I didn’t always have some form of anxiety,  but boy does being with a BPD spouse make life even more tense!

I hope though that if you decide on medicine, you don't see it as the whole solution but as a help to get you to address the issues that cause the anxiety to be worse. Even for a diabetic, treating the effects of a poor diet with medicine doesn't address the problems with a poor diet.

Caretaking/enabling problem behaviors might bring a temporary reprieve but they reinforce the behaviors. So if your enabling behaviors don't change, the behaviors won't either.

Saying no, or not doing something that BPD mother wants, is a very anxious situation because we can anticipate her reaction and it's pretty awful. When we give in to her, even if it's doing something we don't want to do, this reduces the anxiety because, it avoids the reaction that makes us anxious. We are not "caretaking" her in a nice way, relieving her BPD. We are controlling her reaction as a means of managing our own anxiety. It's not helping her, it's self serving. It's not helping her because it's teaching her that this kind of behavior is OK and it works for her. She has no incentive to stop, in fact it assures that she will keep on doing it.

A counselor described this to me like this ( once she assessed I was not in physical danger from the reaction) "your task is to learn to stay calm in the storm"- to learn to manage my own emotions even when the other person is going off the rails. Their feelings are theirs, I don't have to take care of them. I just need to manage my own.

I think it's a personal choice, just like the relationship is. Will the medicine allow you to have less anxiety when you try to change your enabling behaviors or just allow you to not be as anxious while keeping the status quo? Your choice.

I take Zoloft (generic) as needed when i have trouble coping. Andi don’t have a general anxiety issue so i could see why you might benefit even more than me. I only take a half pill.  Its a personal choice, and i would think you could try a med for a few weeks to see if it helps. If not just quit taking it.  Good luck!

I have have always been apposed to taking medication for things and prefer to find more natural ways to deal with things. My therapist mentioned anxiety meds a bunch of times and I reluctantly agreed and am very happy I took their advice. This is my personal experience and it I hope you and your doctor make the best choice for you. Care taking is exhausting to say the least and the whiplash in my circumstance has been almost unbearable. Best wishes.

Interesting CodaDad.  You're not supposed to see results on Zoloft for 4-6 weeks in your system so not sure how taking it on demand could help?  Usually something like Ativan is prescribed for instant relief. 

Thanks for sharing your experience.  Can you tell me a little more about how you feel the medication has helped? 

I’m not sure how to use the quote function but whoever ask how I notice my Zoloft in less than 4 to 6 weeks, and honestly I couldn’t say whether it’s partially placebo effect, or maybe my body’s chemistry. But I can tell within a day and that’s all i care about. If I’m really freaking out I might take a couple Benadryl the first night which in my opinion is like taking hydroxyzine (sp?) which is an anti-anxiety med based on anti-histamines. Anyways I’m not a scientist— just sharing my experience without drug shaming/praising.

Hi CodaDad,
Well that's awesome that it works for you like that!  If it ain't broke don't fix it! 

Also, to do a quote, you just click "Excerpt" on the top right of the post you want to reference. 

Just in case you want to go the natural route and help your body adapt to stress instead of suppressing anything look into Ashwagandha and Rhodiola Rosea specifically.

beta-Androstenetriol is very effective but not as convenient since it has to be used topically to truly do it's magic.

bacopa monnieri works well as well as l-theanine.

These are natural herbal remedies meaning they work endogeneously (from within the body) as opposed to exogeneously (external from outside the body and generally an active compound on its own...meaning has potential to lead to suppression and rebound).

Obviously this is an area I am quite familiar with, but I will let you look into it and go from there. Take my advice as you will. Just do what works and is in your best interest.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thanks SC, I was not aware of those options!   

Just do your own research. There is a lot of information on these compounds and they all have pretty good safety profiles along with proven efficacy.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

I take lexapro for anxiety. Zoloft never worked for me.

Just went up to 20 mg last month. It is helping some, but I find that I am still dealing with anxiety, it’s just a little easier to function with it.

My doctor also gave me propranolol to take as needed when I have to speak in front of a group. It controls the physical symptoms of anxiety such as heart pounding, etc.  It does help. I only take it when I need to speak in public.

I don’t take any prescriptions, but I do take ashwaghanda root +ginsing +  vitamin D, and exercise a lot (I run an average of >20 miles a week.). I couldn’t figure out why my chest was so tight, and I couldn’t sleep well (stress).  I also take melatonin at night.

Have you noticed a clear difference by taking ashwaghanda?   

I need to start exercising but for me it's always been hard to get the energy / clear mind to do it.  It would require me to get up super early before my kids are up or I would have to do it late at night after they go to bed, but I'm usually too exhausted at that point and have other household duties to take care of.  I'm hoping Zoloft may give me a little boost in energy/motivation to be able to have some healthier focus on exercise and meditation.  When I've tried meditation in the past I find it really hard to actually focus and my mind constantly wanders. 

Thanks for sharing your experience with propranolol and public speaking.  Does it make you drowsy while speaking?  I have an Ativan prescription but it's a mild tranquilizer so you do feel somewhat drowsy.  I took it once when doing public speaking and it was okay- just drank coffee with it.  My biggest fear with public speaking is that I really have trouble remember what I'm going to say and putting it into sentences.  So Ativan doesn't really seem to help with this.  This is why I'm going to try Zoloft to see if it just helps clear up my mind a little so I can be more focused and not so anxious. 

Yes - it takes a while to build up in my system, but when I run out I can tell I start to feel a little blah…

Honestly - exercise outside min 30 min 4x a week (even if it is a walk) and good refreshing deep sleep and waking up same time every day I think help the most for me.  Also laughing with friends 1x a week minimum.  Sometimes I use walks outside to be 1x1 with my kids and to give them a healthy respite and safe place to share feelings and thoughts.

Did you experience terrible side effects when you started Zoloft and Lexapro?  I've been reading horror stories on line.  I'm going to start Zoloft in about a week when I get back from traveling.  I don't want to start until I can be home because it is known to cause bad nausea and diarrhea for the first 2-3 weeks. 

The very first time I took Zoloft, I did get very nauseous. It only lasted a few days, though. I felt a little “off” but it wasn’t too bad.
Lexapro had mild side effects, mostly affecting my sleep until I adjusted about a week or so in.

The strangest thing was that after starting the lexapro, there were a couple instances the first day I took it where I had to stop and search for the word I was trying to say. It’s like my brain was lagging; I knew what I was trying to say but the word wasn’t coming to me. That only happened that first day and wasn’t reoccurring.

Thanks for sharing your experience with the side effects.  Do you remember how low of a dose you started on?  I’m terribly worried about the side effects so I’m going to start off slow since it’s not an emergency and I don’t need super quick relief. 

My psych doctor put me on a few things, one being Prozac. It helped me very much in the early days of the initial divorce threats. It gave me time to learn about BPD and the various tools, so I was relatively calm during the worst episodes. After a year or so I came off them. Having learned the various tools I am now able to cope unmedicated! I would recommend taking something. But not as a replacement for working on yourself.

Thanks!   Just curious, why did you come off Prozac?   Do you feel better off of it?

I wouldn't say I feel better off Prozac. And sometimes I wish I was still on it. But I don't really need it to cope, and it just seemed natural to stop. Nothing dramatic happened when I stopped, if that's a worry!

I take low-dose Prozac, and could probably stand to increase to a standard dose...but I'm dragging my feet. If it helps - here's a little background.

I'm the mom of a 19 year-old with BPD. Quick aside: We were fortunate in that we had access to a wonderful psychiatrist who "diagnosed" her at 14. I believe the mental-health community is hesitant to diagnose before 18? While I understand the reluctance to label a child, it also is problematic for the child to magically get diagnosed on the 18th birthday. So we were fortunate to be able to get her in to DBT early.

But I digress. Even so, it's been a rollercoaster, and it deeply affected me. I learned about radical acceptance, but as many of you know, it's still very hard on a parent, or on anyone who loves someone with BPD. I've always had issues with anxiety and ruminating, so this just exacerbated things, of course. In my case - on top of that, we decided to let her go away to college...scary for any parent, but extra scary for parents of a child with BPD. Yet she got in to her dream school, and the school allowed her to bring her cat and she qualified for a single room...so we let her go...helps that it's *only* two hours away.

I was a mess - emotionally, in the months leading up to her departure. I was grieving about my only child going off to college, and I had complicated feelings of fear and questioning myself if it was right to let her go...I was weepy nearly every day (hid it from everyone else...didn't want to burden my daughter about my feelings...didn't want to ruin her exuberance about going to college). I realized I needed help, so I finally agreed to take an antidepressant. The prozac helped me to stop ruminating as much, and evened me out. I've been taking it since late 2021.

I say I could stand to increase it, but I'm a little worried about side-effects, yet it's possible I'll soon go from 10 mg to 20 mg.  I'm waiting to see if what I'm feeling is transitory (the holidays were emotional with the anniversary of my sister's death, and daughter is home from school), or if what I'm experiencing warrants a changing of my medication dosage.

I also found a therapist...an amazing one, who lets me "check-in" when I need it. Helps a lot...yet this is just a hard road...so I do what I can, and also touch base at times - on this wonderful site.

That sounds really tough!  Glad you have good therapist now though!  That made all the world to me when I first figured out my wife had BPD.  In fact, it's the only person I've told to date (aside from members here). 

Well, it seems like I'm in the same boat as you were.  I've been on Zoloft 100 mg for 2 months and have not noticed any improvements in my anxiety.  Fortunately I didn't have any side effects except for a little dry mouth.  So that was a huge relief, but super disappointing that it didn't help.

I may speak to my doctor about trying Lexapro.  Could you tell a clear difference between the two medications in effectiveness?   

I was prescribed Zoloft about nine months ago by my PCM.  He gave it to me for dealing with PTSD though I’ve found it has helped enormously for the situation with my pwBPD.  The one thing about this medicine though is that it took quite awhile for me to really notice a difference from taking it - I’d say about 4 months - although he bumped me to 100mg from 50mg after the first couple of months.  So maybe 50mg wasn’t cutting it. 

Was it like a flip was switched when you noticed it working, or was it super gradual and noticed starting to get better?  Just wondering if I should continue on longer or try something else now.  Feels a little like wasting time if I'm not seeing improvements after 2 months, but I want to give it a fair shot.  Thought about going up in dose to maybe 125 as well to really help rule it out. 

I wouldn’t say it was like a flipped switch - however it was noticeable to me pretty quickly once it started working.  I’d stay with it for another month or two if I were you.  I don’t want to say this medicine has been some kind of miracle drug - but it has helped me to keep my emotions in check when things start to get tense with my wife. 

back in 2015, LONG before I even knew what BPD was, my wife convinced me (by enlisting my father to assist) that I was clinically depressed, and that must be the issue with my marriage.  I went to see a psychiatrist who told me, almost on no uncertain terms, that he did not believe I was clinically depressed.  I practically begged him to put me on anti-depressants, because I was brainwashed into thinking that I really was the one with the problem.  he finally agreed to put me on Effexor, which he said would help with some of my emotional swings and coping abilities.  i took Effexor for eight years, and I cant say that I think it did one single thing for me.  i weaned myself off of it about four months ago and I've never felt better.  my therapy is 1) running, 2) weights, 3) jiu jitsu, and 4) my kids. 

side note - my wife has weaponized my decision to get off Effexor, and uses it against me...i.e. blaming me for whatever negative feeling she is having that day, and saying it's only her response to my actions, which are only because I got off Effexor.  to which i respond - then why were we having these same stupid fights when i was ON it?

I just wanted to say that I've been taking Ashwagandha for a couple of months (300mg twice a day) and feel like it might be helping me keep my cool when my wife aggravates me with her BPD.  In general I feel a bit more "together" but of course it's so hard to know if it's because of that or the million other factors involved.  Anyway, it was cheap from an online Indian grocer and doesn't seem to be doing harm, and scientific studies show its efficacy so...

I'm interested in trying it too!  But wanted to change one thing at a time as I started Zoloft so I could tell if it was working or not.  So far it's not. :( 

Good to know Chief!  I figured if I gave it a good 2 months that was long enough (at 100 mg) but since I'm not having any side effect maybe I should continue or even up my dose before trying something else, just to rule it out. 

It's funny you should mention Effexor!  My physician just prescribed it to me as the next medicine to try because Zoloft didn't seen to help at all.  I'm super reluctant to switch to it because I heard that the withdrawals are terrible! Were they bad for you?  On the flip side I heard it can help with ADHD, which I have. 

Withdrawal wasn't bad for me. I did it slowly over about three months. Only the first week or so felt kinda weird.

Hey, just checking in to see how 20mg of Lexapro was working for you?  Just an update- I just did about 6 months of Zoloft and noticed ZERO improvement in my anxiety.  Fortunately I didn't have any side effects besides dry mouth.  I went all the way up to 150 mg and now I've tapered back down to 50 mg.  I'm thinking about trying Lexapro to see if that works. 

Haven’t read through the thread, but assume most folks are mentioning pharmaceuticals. I think I’ve had chronic anxiety since childhood, and having multiple pwBPD in my life since then, it seems like my nervous system has always been racing, but not until recently did I notice this. Anxiety had become my ambient state.

I finally realized how wound up I’ve been. Recent counseling since my husband’s stroke has awakened me to some things…

Here are some herbal alternatives I’ve tried that have lessened my anxiety: a supplement containing Holy Basil, Ashwagandha, Cordyceps, and Bacopa taken twice daily has dialed up the calm.

Also in the evening, I’ve been using gummies (I live in a state where cannabis is legal) with a combination of THC and CBD, or CBG. (CBN helps with sleeping.) I live in a state where cannabis is legal. Then I stretch, do yoga, dance, work out, and I can feel the anxiety melting away. (I don’t do these gummies any time I need to drive or use power tools. It’s strictly for relaxation. I find THC too intense these days, so when either CBG or CBN is added, it really moderates it. Also I’m a lightweight now. Anything over 5 mg of THC is way too much. One or 2 mg is barely noticeable, and enhances the calm feeling.)

Thanks Cat for sharing some of the methods that work for you.  Sorry to hear about your husband's stroke... I can see how that would create a lot of additional stress and anxiety on top of the BPD. 

Would you ever consider something like Zoloft or Lexapro?  I'll be starting Lexapro tomorrow so I'll keep everyone updated on how it goes!  I don't want to change too many things at once because I want to know what works- but the alternative supplements members have mentioned will be a next step after giving Lexapro a shot. 

Thanks Mitten. Yes, having a BPD spouse who is dealing with significant health issues adds a new complexity. Making lemonade out of lemons, I’ve significantly strengthened my boundaries. We are fortunate in that we can afford home health care several hours a week, so I have a lot more *me* time. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to deal with this all on my shoulders.

As far as pharmaceuticals, I don’t take any and plan not to. I’ve done a deep dive into my genetic profile and micronutrients and found out what my body doesn’t make or utilize and so far, supplementing that has been all that I need to keep my anxiety at bay most of the time. Yes, when things get crazy, I now get anxious like a *normal person* and I’m ok with that. It goes away quickly once the crisis subsides.