BPDFamily.com

Help I do not know what to do because my daughter has BPD. I cannot have a relationship with my only Grandchild because my daughter won't get her son from her husband who she idolizes. Her husband hates me because he wants to victimize my BPD daughter. My daughter just got out of the hospital and is safe living with me, but I had to leave my Grandson with the man who mistreats him and my daughter. I don't know what to do.

Welcome to BPD Family.  Sorry for your situation, but BPD is a sinister condition with no reason or logic.

Has your daughter requested that her son come visit her [who is living with you, so you will be able to enjoy the visit too]?  If not, encourage it.  If the visit is denied by the husband, then...

Do you have documentation on mistreating your grandson?

Was your daughter in hospital for BPD? 

Do you have documentation of your daughter's husband mistreating and victimizing your daughter [emotional and or physical abuse]?

If the answer to the above questions is 'yes' to all of them, seek out a 'high conflict' custody attorney and follow their instructions, and seek out custody for yourself, citing possible child endangerment.  This will be an expensive and time-consuming process, and may not always work.  Also, it has the potential to drive an emotional wedge between you and your daughter, if she is supporting her husband's actions.  If this is the case, support your daughter, replace her husband as her favorite person.  This will be time-consuming, and requires a lot of effort.

Best thing to do is obtain video recording with time/date stamps [I have gone over this in detail if you have an android phone, lmk, and I will attach the link] of the behaviors in questions by the husband.  If you don't have recordings, and no records, then it will be your version of the truth, against his version of the truth, and the court will likely side with the parent [husband].

Good luck, you are in a good place here, as we 'get it'.  Ask questions, your situation is a difficult on.

My heart truly goes out to you. This must be incredibly painful for you.  :hug:

What I am wondering is if your daughter will return to him if she idolizes him that much. Or even if not, if she will end up a new, equally abusive relationship with a new man, which is the usual pattern unless she gets some quality therapy.

As for your grandson, in the absence of severe physical abuse which would necessitate you notifying child protective services, it is actually possible that he is no worse off staying with his father than moving in with you and your daughter, because women with untreated BPD are not usually able to provide a stable and emotionally safe home environment. So maybe your energy could be best used for taking care of yourself during this very trying time, and maybe working with a counselor who could help you with acceptance of a situation which you have very little control over. Best wishes to you.