BPDFamily.com

For over 30 years I have thought if I just do x, my husband will change. I need to let that idea go, but it feels scary and hard.

When I was with my exGF who had BPD, I was always hoping for things to be like they were in the beginning. It's the bait and switch that's so intoxicating, all the mirroring, and pandering and lying at the beginning makes you feel like you're on cloud 9, and then the lie unravels and you're left in a nightmare, a nightmare that you want to escape, but you're in so deep, and terrified of getting out of it, because you're dependent on your abuser.

They don't change, not unless they get serious help, and put in years of hard work, you can't do it for them. And they are too fragile to be introspective, and actually learn from their mistakes.

It's normal to be scared, even if you're leaving a normal marriage of 30 years.

Welcome to the [BPD] family.

The only way a borderline will change is if they hit their bottom.  The only way that will happen is if you leave them, or some other related emotional trauma, and then they will have to realize:

#1 that something is wrong with themselves, AND
#2 are willing to address it in therapy.

Narc speaks the truth here! I think that we've all felt the same way.

I know that I'm still going thru it. My breakup was just a few weeks back. I was just on the phone with a buddy.. basically explaining... my relationship with my expwBPD. I just don't get it. I think back to how perfect it was, until it wasn't. Not sure that I'll ever be able to understand what happened. I mean I know, but it's so foreign to me (and I'm sure everyone else).. I can't make sense of it; no matter how hard I try too.

The absolute best thing that you can do is get yourself into therapy, and really just do the best you can to get it out of your head. I said this on multiple posts already, but this group has really helped me. Just the fact that I know that I'mm not alone here. There's several here that have shared the same experience with me. Unfortunately, several people with months of being away that are still greatly impacted by their experiences with a pwBPD. It's really a wicked wicked disorder (both for those suffering and those impacted).

Keep your head up.

If you go to our Tools ans Skills Workshop board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0) ( <-- click) you'll find many helpful topics discussed.  A couple deal with boundaries.  People with BPD and other acting out PDs resist boundaries and try to trample any you try to set.

Accept that you can't make the pwBPD do or not do anything.  Boundaries apply to YOU.  Wow, like lightning out of the clear blue sky, right?

Here's a very simplistic example, demonstrating your power to craft your own response:
"If you do or don't do ___, then I will do or not do ___."

Make it a boundary or statement, not a threat.  Also be aware that if you weaken a boundary, even if you think only briefly, then expect it to be targeted and sabotaged.

And, yes, we all have been scared, those first steps are the hardest, but once you're on the right path then it does get easier over time.

Streng1,

What brought you to this point after 30 years, what's going on?

T