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Super heard letting my uBPD ex go, and the trauma bond was huge. It had been over a year and I thought I was in the clear. Still had that trauma bond, but have been with a wonderful woman, trying to move on. Kept the exp blocked on everything except e-mail.

Now my ex is trying to come back into my life. She is running for city council in our capital city. She is a pretty powerful person. She has reached out to ask if I would be her caucus chair, join her campaign, and now she has asked if I will speak for her at her campaign launch.

Every time she reaches out I feel like crap. I have always been terrible at boundaries, and not wanting to be seen as a "bad guy". It is a serious weakness. I haven't said yes to anything, but I have just made excuses like I am not around.

This time I lied and said I would be out of town during her campaign launch, so I couldn't speak for her. I just want to leave me alone, but I am too big of a wimp to draw the boundary. Probably part of me thinks, still, that maybe something might change down the road, which is kind of sad and pathetic on my part.

I mean, the last time we were together she literally punched me repeatedly in the face. she threatened to destroy me if we ever broke up. She said she wouldn't leave me alone until she found someone new. I never said no. Never drew boundaries.

Now she is asking for help and I am still not saying no. the reality is she doesn't even really need my help. She has enough connections. How can someone do all the things they do, and then out of the blue have no reservation in asking for help? And then how can I never say no?

I'm doing okay, but it sucks that it is this much of a struggle mentally over a year removed. And I feel like a wimp. Why do I even care? Why do I still worry if she is sad or struggling?

Just kind of ranting here in this safe place. It certainly helped a year+ ago to finally get out. Thanks.

 

Couple of ideas for you.

Since saying no likely triggers feelings of anxiety in you, what might be helpful is to do some grounding exercices, such as the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, before responding to her email. This allowed me to avert a near panic attack when I had to say no for the first time to someone in my life who has a lot of power — namely my mother.  :(

In addition, if you don’t already do this, perhaps if you do some volunteering somewhere, you can meet your need for being helpful to others in a healthy way.

What do you get out of this overall dynamic?

Backing up... what do you get out of it for her now by advocating for her?

I asked myself this question when my ex's marriage to the boy toy she left me for imploded and she asked to come back. "What do I get out of this?"

It's a valid question, yes?

From my own experience, unless there's a firm "no" from you, she sees this as a possibility. Even with a firm no, she may ignore it. The bigger question is- if someone doesn't respect boundaries and is used to you not having strong boundaries, who is the one who is going to need to change.

On her part, she has no incentive to change. What she is doing works for her. She knows she can keep pushing longer than you can hold out. Each time you give in, it reinforces that she gets what she wants by doing this.

You need to muster up the courage to say no, and mean it. At this point, what do you have to lose? She can't "break up" with you, it's already done. What you have to lose is your attachment to being the good guy.

From my own experience, I have to learn to be comfortable with being the "bad guy" in the relationship. To do this, I have to have a strong sense of my own moral compass. Just because I am feeling put in or accused of being the bad guy, that doesn't mean it's true.

I know this isn't easy. Saying "no" to my BPD mother feels bad. She responds by saying she is so so hurt. What kind of monster hurts their own mother? I am not that monster, but sometimes BPD mother pushes my boundaries to the point where I need to say no. I understand your feeling cornered. I also try hints with my mother but these don't work with her. I don't want to be in bad guy position with her. Eventually though, it's the only thing that works. Then she says she feels hurt but if I don't do it, I also feel resentful that I caved.

You have no obligation to help this ex win an election by volunteering free labor to her. You two are over. Next time she asks, say no. Really say no and mean it. You are not a bad guy if you do this. You are being honest- you do not wish to do this. She won't respond to loose boundaries or hints.