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I found out my stbx H uBPD is talking trash about me around town to anyone who will listen.

It bothers me because (a) he's lying, (b) women are believing him and that scares me, and (c) he is dangerous to himself and others. I know I believed him when he did that same victim monologue with me when we were dating. He's very convincing.

It also doesn't bother me, I'm away from him. Happy, healthy, and healing from the trauma he put me through! I know the truth, he's living in a distorted, mentally ill world of his. He's an abuser, mentally ill, and just down right unhinged with all he did.

Has anyone dealt with this and had both ends of the spectrum in feelings? Would love some insight or just someone to read this...

I found out my stbx H uBPD is talking trash about me around town to anyone who will listen.
This is a symptom trait of his disorder.  You cannot do anything about it [other than make complaints and a libel/slander lawsuit] if it gets too out of control.  Just be prepared to do damage control on those gullible enough to listen to his rhetoric.

It bothers me because (a) he's lying, (b) women are believing him and that scares me, and (c) he is dangerous to himself and others. I know I believed him when he did that same victim monologue with me when we were dating. He's very convincing.
Now you know a 'red flag' to look out for, if and when you re-enter the dating scene.  There are many other 'tells' too.  He used it on you when he was 'love bombing' you, and you see it with your potential replacements.  BPD/NPD is really quite predictable on the present/future behavior based on their past behaviors.  Just be prepared to do damage control on those gullible enough to listen to his rhetoric.

It also doesn't bother me, I'm away from him. Happy, healthy, and healing from the trauma he put me through! I know the truth, he's living in a distorted, mentally ill world of his. He's an abuser, mentally ill, and just down right unhinged with all he did.
Stay focused on yourself.  Your sense of self is strong if it doesn't bother you.  However, others might not think that way, so you will need to be true to yourself, and also do damage control as necessary.  I know if I were in your shoes, it would bother me quite a bit more; however, I have finally been able to do 'radical acceptance' where such negative behavior doesn't bother me emotionally, even though I know I need to hold them accountable for their actions.

Has anyone dealt with this and had both ends of the spectrum in feelings? Would love some insight or just someone to read this...
I really haven't dealt with this; however, I am reading this.  I have also read other articles on it, and it is not unique.  If you do find it upsetting, talk with your T on this, or talk to us, we are here to listen.

Salty, thanks for responding. You have sage advice and are always willing to listen on the boards.

Yes, the reminder that this trash talk is a symptom of his disorder and his reality. If it gets really bad, I'll address it with the L for damage control.

I am going to keep a list of my personal red flags from this relationship and learning about BPD + others.
1. blaming everything on others, victim stories
2. "crazy bashing the ex or exes"
3. oversharing of trauma
4. love bombing or moving too fast
5. subtle isolation from my friends/family
6. lack of friendships, family
7. multiple career or schooling issues with stops/starts/breaks/being "let go", specifically, always with excuses blaming others not taking responsibility
8. demanding apologies


A brilliant reminder that BPD behavior is predictable. Looking back on our relationship I can see the patterns now.

Other things I've learned:
1. He is not my problem, and it is not my responsibility to care for him or others he relates to in the world.
2. I didn't cause it, I can't change it, I can't cure it.
3. Use my resources for help > I am joining a group therapy program and will also talk to my T this week about it.

Has anyone dealt with this and had both ends of the spectrum in feelings? Would love some insight or just someone to read this.

Yes, I have.

This is a waiting game. You will need to wait it out to give people the chance to discover on their own that what he is saying is not true. Once they do, you will see that it will heal a lot of hurt - almost as if going back in time. They will know you are a different person and that self-confidence will spill out into other parts of your life.

The real question becomes what do you in the meantime. Like, you can't just sit there and endure.  You've heard that the best "revenge" is to make a success of yourself? Or "you do you" or other things like that?  Now is the time that you invest there.  It's a little bit like throwing a few things out and then deciding to simplify your life. 

Before I say more, does that make sense on some level? 

If it does, in what way?

From there, insights would be easier to offer.

Hang in there. If you are beating yourself right now, telling yourself you should have known better type of thing, stop.  Getting into a relationship is much, much easier than getting out of one.  If you are not, hugs anyway.

Rev

Hi Rev, thank you for writing back.

It does make sense. Essentially, I need to focus on myself after all the abuse and time spent focusing my energies on surviving after being a caretaker to him. I think starting with smaller things to focus on will be less daunting. Especially things that propel me forward.

It still hurts that he's telling lies about me, and he's the abuser, not me. If it touches any aspect of my business, I will probably sue him for libel/slander.

Right now, I'm in a tough spot in the healing journey as the PTSD is starting to set in. Good news, I'm going to participate in a trauma therapy group in addition to my individual T.

Two things to add - First is something told to me - Rev, it does get better, even if it doesn't feel like that right now. Second is this: Suffering is not a sign of failure. Suffering is a sign that you are suffering.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

 :hug:

Rev