BPDFamily.com

hi

so i came upon this support group from reading "Stop walking on eggshells". My counselor lead me toward the book, which led me here.

The book was alarming resonating for me. I've often attributed my wife's behaviors to her childhood trauma, her alcoholism or her Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (hormone based mood disorder which means she essentially 'gets bipolar' in the weeks leading up to her period, but then as soon as she bleeds she feels like she 'comes back down to earth and is a human again' in her own words).

I don't know if she has BPD. She knows what BPD is, we have a friend who is open about her own diagnosis. I was beginning to wonder if anything, if my wife was a narcissist, but then she does have a powerful depth for empathy at times and does apologize and admit when she has done something hurtful or wrong.

She has openly discussed her fear of abandonment. It has gotten so bad before that she will have a mental breakdown or throw a huge fit before I leave for work, or threaten to drink if I leave, or begin insulting my job or accusing me of flirting with colleagues, that I have taken work off (called in sick) to just make her calm down.

I have also noticed that the verbal and psychological abuse doesn't only happen when she's drunk or drinking. It is most definitely worse when she's drunk or drinking, but bouts of the abuse happen when she has gotten sober too. Most or all of it comes from triggering her feelings of jealousy or betrayal or abandonment, the seemingly most trivial things can set her off. Ie: my dad is dating the mother of someone I had dated 10 years ago for about 2 months. She forbids me of ever meeting the woman and threatens to divorce me if I ever meet her. She also went on a huge tangent of how my dad is a 'serial cheater' or is addicted to women, who is stupid and choosing my ex over her. I tried to explain to her that it was 10 years ago, and never serious, I never even met the woman (their mom, who my dad is currently dating). But this only makes her more enraged, saying I am sticking up for my ex and that I should "go be with them then if they mean so much". It's gotten to the point where I am not allowed to see my dad, if his girlfriend will be there. I have missed family dinners, including christmas.

Outside of these types of things, she is the love of my life. She has the capacity to be incredibly creative, empathetic and observant to the point where it would seem she's almost psychic. She has defended me to the end of the earth..but then she has also been the one who has betrayed me or caused me more hurt than anyone. I don't know how to not only thrive, but survive in a relationship where I feel like I am depleted, constatly giving and sacrificing with the hopes of receiving feelings of safety in return. But I don't have that yet, I don't feel safe or secure or like I can depend and rely on her at this time.

Anyway..just trying this out. Even hearing similar experiences to validate mine.. I have severely blamed myself and internalized the notion that I am the cause for her pain.

Hi pbandb89, glad you reached out for some support. You're in the right place for sharing what's going on in your relationship, and hearing from members with similar experiences.

Your comment here stood out to me:


The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde dynamic is a familiar one here -- "other than the deeply hurtful and destructive things my partner does, my partner is an incredible person". The good times are really, really good, and the bad times are really, really bad. This may be linked to how BPD is a disorder with extreme, and wildly varying, emotions. A pwBPD (person with BPD) likely experiences her feelings as facts about the world, and not only that, but the feelings aren't just "4 to 6 out of 10", but "either 0/10 or 11/10" -- pretty extreme.

So, you're not alone here, in coping with having an emotionally intense roller-coaster relationship.

Her behaviors of blaming you for her pain, isolating you from family, and making threats if you go to work also sound familiar. To a pwBPD, who struggles with black-and-white (or either-or) thinking, you either choose her OR your family, and if you choose your family, it means you're abandoning her. pwBPD struggle with gray-area thinking or "it can be this and that at the same time". You are able to see that being with your family on Christmas is caring, and it doesn't mean you don't care for your wife. For her, being with your family for one day "means" you are leaving her. Pretty intense for you to deal with.

All that being said, if we are willing to work on ourselves, because we contribute to part (not all!) of the relational dynamic, it is possible that our changes can change the dynamic. One non-intuitive way that we can make changes that can help the relationship be "less worse" is through having a strong sense of self, and not taking on responsibility for how the pwBPD feels. A couple of ways to describe building a strong personal sense of self are: having healthy boundaries, and not being enmeshed. When you feel up for it, check out our "Tools and skills workshops" (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0) -- we have some good links about Boundaries and Values (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0) and Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0), among other good resources.

pbandb89, we look forward to hearing more about how you guys are doing. There is hope here to "stop the bleeding" and make changes in your relationship.

All the best,

kells76

Hi pbandb, and welcome. This forum is an amazing resource and the people have been amazing in helping me learn to communicate better with my wife. Well I used to say they helped “save my marriage” but things have gone backwards and I’m now not at all certain my marriage is saved. (Is there even such a thing?) Anyway I wish you all the best. This is the best place to get advice, I’ve also dealt with the jealousy and paranoia lots. I recommend the book, “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”, it was life-changing for me.

Thank you everyone. I feel lighter, just having voiced what I've been going through.

I often wonder if I'm just playing the victim, or looking for any sort of explanation for her behavior that lies beyond my responsibility.

I have noticed changes in myself being with her. At first when she'd be having a rage episode about something, I'd over explain and justify and do exactly what she wanted (cutting off ties with certain friends or family) so that the abuse would stop.

Lately I've noticed that my own anger is getting out of control when she starts. I'll end up reacting to her in the very same way, I'll shout and scream and verbally abuse because I have been pushed to my utter edge. At one point not long ago, I ended up hyperventilating and going into a full blown mental breakdown. I asked her to drive me to a crisis centre, and she refused because she didn't want me talking to anyone else.

This reactionary abuse even further breaks down my self esteem. Because now I'm battling with feeling her abuse is justified toward me, because I am no better.

I just don't know how to respond anymore. If I tell her "i'm walking away because I don't want to talk to you until you can speak to me with respect".. she rages more. Tells me "do what you do best and leave. You're a terrible wife. You walk out that door you'll never see me again". If I shut down and dissociate, she will rage further again, tell me I'm ignoring her and if I continue to ignore her she will punch holes in the wall or leave on a bender. But when I try to talk to her about the problem, her way of communicating her feelings is through horrible comments like "you're dad is a retard, your mom is a psycho, you're is a whore.. I hope they all die, I wouldn't feel one bit bad"... how can I be expected to stay in this space and converse with this?

Anyway. Thank you again for your replies, I'm really glad I found this site.

You are not playing the victim, her actions are not your responsibility. It is okay to look for explanation and understanding, but that doesn't change the fact that she is not getting help.

Remember that in a healthy relationship, two people work things through in a healthy manner. Will there be difficult times, sure, but they should never escalate to screaming and insults. In a healthy relationship, you both have individual lives and are just together.

It is sad indeed to notice that you are matching their behavior. That is natural, that is okay, don't beat yourself up for it. You are simply trying to survive. What may be best is to figure out a coping mechanism to deal with your emotions so that you do not mirror her. The more you mirror her, the more she will rage. The best thing to do is remove yourself from the situation and not tolerate it. She will probably rage more, but this is what is best for you. When my husband is raging through text message, threatening to throw my things out, I simply say "Don't do that" and I ignore the rest of the emotional parts of the message. If he were to threaten suicide, I'd call the police, etc.

Unfortunately with people with BPD, everything is a lose-lose situation. While she may give threats, they are simply to get you to stay or to fight back so she can take her anger on someone else instead of self-regulating her emotions. However, you do have a choice—it is okay to take a time-out and go for a walk. It is okay to not have to always respond to her. It is okay to say "I will not respond to you when you are being disrespectful." She can only choose how to behave, and so can you. If she does continue to be disrespectful, stick to your word and don't respond. It is important to show people with BPD that they cannot walk all over us, and that we also honour our boundaries. They may not like it, but it is their choice to adjust. You have already been loving and caring and kind enough.

I hope you understand that while you feel trapped (trust me, I do too), there are options. You don't need to make any big decisions now, just please take care of yourself and stay safe.

Hi,  @pbandb89, and welcome.

I had a similar experience to some extent; in my case my (now ex-) wife did a lot of the same things, although the dynamic of my situation resulted in her trying to isolate me from my mother's family, not my father.  She also frequently (and baselessly) accused me of infidelity.

I had a daughter with her, which was really the only thing keeping me in the marriage for the last 4 1/2 out of 5 1/2 years total. 

It doesn't sound like you have a child or children together, so consider yourself extremely lucky in that regard.  And if you're having doubts about this relationship already, please understand that adding a child will not solve anything & will only make your existing issues that much more complicated. 

One thing someone told me, early in my discovery online of BPD, it's nature and how to deal with it was that BPD is unique in its "crazy making" in that it affects partners and family members of the persons-with-BPD ("pwBPD") negatively, and in a way that other disorders (for example, depression) do not.  I've heard it's also somewhat ironic in that counselers/psychologists/therapists see the partners of pwBPD more than the actual pwBPD themselves, since they refuse to admit they're disordered or get help for their disorder. 

Although in my case, the pattern was typically that BPDxw would be willing to go to therapy, but only to the extent the therapist was willing to go along with her sob stories and blame games.  Early in our relationship, she would share with me that her therapist would agree with her about how her parents were the source of all her problems.  Later on, after I unknowingly assumed the caretaker role, it was now all my fault.  And in the one instance a therapist directed their attention at BPDxw's behavior, she got angry and refused to continue going. 

I also struggled with some feelings of guilt and second-guessing my motivations; was I just looking for an out because I wanted to be single again?  I found answers to that here and by keeping a journal and tracking her behavior and our fights.  And that's also been borne out by the fact that I'm in a new relationship (for 3 years now), and the dynamic is much healthier, and I'm not looking for an exit...

Ultimately, if I can impart any initial wisdom to help you as you search for a way forward, it's that you need to focus on yourself and understand your own wants and needs.  And if you feel that your disordered partner cannot provide them, you need to leave.

pwBPD are not going to change, and are not going to be there for you; you owe them nothing.  By committing to them, staying, and listening to their complaints and demands in good faith, and trying to make them happy, you've already given them as much as they - or any partner in a relationship - deserve.  You need to focus on yourself now, because she will not.  And she'll just drag both of you down.