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I decided to look at the things that I feel like I'm getting out of my current relationship with my husband who is uBPD, and also looking at the things that make me question why I'm putting up with this. So here goes:

The good
-He cares about me, and I do think he loves me, in his own way
-He can be incredibly empathetic and kind, he really cares about others, he loves animals and children
-He cooks for me sometimes, he does chores sometimes
-He takes good care of the dog
-We have fun together when he's doing well
-He can be very supportive when I'm struggling in the moment (it's a different story when it's a prolonged stress)
-We do have a lot in common and share a lot of the same values
-We have the same sense of humor
-I do feel like for the most part he understands me, except when he is dysregulated and he doesn’t at all
-He has pushed for me to set boundaries with other people (and I have), just not with him
-He does listen when I tell him that he needs help…eventually

Bad
-He doesn’t take care of himself
-He doesn’t work, he doesn’t drive, he doesn’t have any friends or leave the house unless he has to
-He is profoundly depressed and it has gotten worse rather than better as the relationship has progressed
-We don’t share very many hobbies any more
-He has alienated all my friends from him, he rarely sees my family or makes any effort with them
-I am uncomfortable with taking him out in public, if he gets dysregulated he has started arguments, there was an incident where he yelled at a group of children (that is a LONG story for another day)
-He has no ability to manage his anger, it triggers a lot of this fear in me I had as a kid with my dad’s anger problems. He hasn't attacked me but he has been threatening, either intentionally or unintentionally by throwing things, standing over me, pointing, shouting.
-I can’t lean on him for emotional support like I would like to, he just falls apart
-I can’t be honest with him about any of these issues I have because it sends him into a shame spiral, and he then wants me to backpedal on everything and tell him that it’s all great and everything is fine for the next week
-I feel like more like his mom and his nurse every day, and I don’t feel much attraction to him for this reason

I’m just so tired. Part of me wants to make more of an effort, but I have nothing at this point. It’s hard to validate, give him positive reinforcement or encouragement. I’m mostly just focusing on myself right now and trying to get myself in a better place. It’s just really hard. I love my job and I feel happy when I’m there, but it is demanding. And I’m still really struggling to not feel guilty when I tell him that I need to take time to work out when I get home, or journal or just be by myself. I’m glad I don’t work this weekend, I’m going to have therapy on Saturday morning and then I think I will just plan to take the rest of that morning for myself. I just need some space to breathe and get some clarity. I’m not always the most patient person, I realize I have these codependent tendencies and I just want that to be enough. Like “I know what it is, now stop it! You’re cured!” But I know it doesn’t work like that. I need to put in the work and really take inventory of myself, and find out why I end up in these relationships where I’m not satisfied. I enjoy my own company and really don’t have a problem with being alone, I actually really love doing things by myself. I think it’s more this fear that I could be alone forever and I won’t find someone to share things with that drives this desperation to find someone, anyone who likes me enough to hang out with me. And I know it’s not just romantic relationships, I do that with friendships too. I think I need to work on my own self-respect, and understanding what I really want from a friend/partner. Bleh. I guess I don't have a question or anything today, I just needed to get this out of my head so I can look at it with my eyes.

Hi there thepixies21. Just wanted to say that I read your post, and there is a lot of good in there. You sound very clear-headed as you 'take inventory' of your situation, including the good and the bad. Making such a list is not an easy thing to you, so kudos.

Much of what you wrote resonates with me, particularly this:


Those are big thoughts that are worth sitting with, working through, and striving toward understanding. You sound like you are working toward a healthy perspective on life, that will ultimately lead toward healthier relationships (of all types).

Keep walking on your path -

I remember having a conversation with my mom about 23 years ago about my BPD wife (which we had no idea about the condition at the time).  My mother said that my wife doesn't cook, she doesn't clean, and she's always on the run or at her parents house instead of taking care of me.  And for a long time, that stuff angered me- why couldn't she be a better wife? And for those first few years, my wife/I fought all the time about that stuff and then I'd hear it from my mom that I needed to walk away.

We separated 3 times in the first two or three years, but quickly reconciled each time.

Eventually I lost my will to fight and maybe 15 years ago told my mom, "I love 1,000 things about my wife, and I absolutely hate maybe 3 things.  Why should I focus on the 3 instead of the 1,000?"  For the past 15 or so years, I thought that there was a ton of wisdom in my words.  Why not forgive and forget?  Why not focus on love?  

Now after 5 months of separation,  I realize all too clearly that those 3 or 4 things, that stuff was the basis of a happy, balanced marriage for me.  Then add in my wife's depression, the mood swings, me having to worry about everything while she basically stayed a child...I intentionally stayed in a marriage where I wasn't happy, wasn't loved, and felt alone for the majority of our 24 years together.

So let me spin this back around to you.  Who was right- me or my mom?

Now, I'm not saying I should have got a divorce 15-20+ years ago- we had kids and we gave them a great life together.  I have zero regrets over the marriage or where we ended up.  But the fact remains that I sacrificed so much of myself to let my wife be dysfunctional; this isn't about good/bad lists at all.  It's about you and happiness, fulfillment, etc.  I hope that helps!

Pook I am reflecting on the same now but after only five years of marriage with 3 young children. I thought I had figured out how to get along with my wife and keep her relatively calm. This lasted about a year after I learnt the bpd communication skills etc. But it’s been hell since baby 3 was born in October. If things don’t improve then I really am questioning whether I can stay in this marriage long term. If only she could realise and believe I’m a decent hard-working person who loves her… then I can put up with the rest. But I don’t know if she will ever go back to that.

Pixies,

I just want to say thanks for sharing it's very helpful to read about other people's thoughts and experiences.

I wish I had better advice for you.  Just keep your head up and try to think objectively; hopefully you'll find a better way to communicate.

Thank you Pook, it does help, and I appreciate it! I see what you're saying, and I know that there can be a million things he does right, but if I'm unhappy at the end of the day, that needs to be weighed more than the other stuff. I think what keeps me invested is that when he isn't completely dysregulated he can hear what I'm saying and understands that he can't live like this. He has agreed to attend a partial hospitalization program, and I'm willing to see if things improve. But I know that I am worn out, and I am letting go of any further efforts to push him to take care of himself. I need him to take the lead, and I am actively trying to work on catching when I do too much for him. It's really hard to do, but now that I know I'm codependent I see how much I enable him. I'm embarrassed to admit this but he ran out of medications and said he was too stressed to call the doctor. We take the same antidepressant so I agreed to let him take my medicine for a few days...and I'm seeing that I am literally giving him MY treatment for my mental health, which puts me at risk because I can run out early just so he can avoid a very mundane activity...I'm very upset with myself about that. I told him today that he needs to call, no excuses. But man, this stuff is hard to change.

I'm glad it helps, and I agree! It's really lonely to be in a relationship like this, no one in my life really understands or knows about it. But having others who can relate, and hearing people say the same things that I have said...it's really eye opening. I am really glad that this forum exists.

Thank you! It has been very hard to objectively take a hard look at my relationship. I've been really good at distracting myself from all of these thoughts and frustrations for years, throwing myself into my work, trying to "fix" him. But there's no running anymore. I'm getting too old to pretend like nothing bad is happening.

The thing I figured out the hard way was that when my wife first left 5 months ago, all I could think about was how to get her back, how to fix things ,etc.  I was in a complete panic because she was my world and I couldn't imagine living without her.  And trust me, my mindset stayed that way for the first 2 months.

Eventually, I realized that so much has changed without her here.  I actually have money in the bank at the end of the month.  I cook almost every night because I absolutely love to cook, which is something we rarely did before.  I'll have friends over to watch sports or movies, and we often laugh like children at the dumbest stuff...because I'm being me, the authentic me I put on hold a very long time ago and essentially forgot about.

In your situation, you're in the exact same mindset I was...gotta just work through it and be the bigger person and maybe it gets better in the future.  I really hope it does get better, but right now you need to be a little bit selfish and focus on your own needs first.  What do YOU want in life?  What makes YOU happy?  Which of YOUR needs aren't being met?

Always help yourself first, and you'll be in a better position to help him.  Good luck, I'm really rooting for you!

So, I think there's something in one of the turning points for me in my relationship that's may not be a precise match for where you are, but as a reality for me could be a working hypothetical for you
For eight years my wife blamed me for or took out all of her unhappiness on me (and the Universe which is always out to get her). She hates where I live and the town she moved to to be with me. She hates the people. She hates the activities. She's away from her family. She's away from her newly renewed friends who she hadn't kept in touch with for years  She hates my work. She hates that I didn't make her happy by moving back to her hometown. She hates that I don't do enough. She criticizes everything I do. I never spend my - MY- money on the right things. The list is endless. Then tables turned. Living and work opportunities developed in her hometown. The source of her salvation.She brought it up to me. I encourage her to go try it out. Similar job and salary, but way better benefits. Close to friends and family. More activities that she like to do. The solution to all her unhappiness. Sounds great, right?
She wouldn't go. She wouldn't do it. She wouldn't save herself from all the misery she experiences with me. She would not do this for herself, but she was more than content to stay here with me and be hateful and destructive. I kept bringing it up with my therapist: "I have supported and encouraged her going! It would solve so many problems for both of us!" And he says, "Yeah, but she's not going. What are you going to do?"
Realising that given the opportunity she was not going to fix her problem and that I couldn't do it for her was freeing.  (We don't have children, so I don't have experience with that in the relationship) I could only do for me. I tell her more often when a line is being crossed when she's hateful to me. I refuse to take responsibility for her unhappiness. (She had the opportunity to do that for herself and didn't.) I don't owe her my dignity, happiness, self-respect, income, etc. What do I have to lose terrible treatment? The good outcomes from that may possibly be that she would move toward me in some positive way or we would go our separate ways; being together wasn't good for either of us.
We've gotten better. But I have to admit sometimes I think I let the hateful behavior go on for too long and I'm having a hard time retrieving meaningful parts of myself. Maybe it would help to think I'm developing new meaningful parts of myself.
Anyway, what I learned was I can't make someone happy who wasn't going to take up the opportunity when it was presented to her. But working on me was going to be right for me and possibly for both of us. I wish you well.