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I feel like the level of maturity required to be in a relationship with someone with BPD is much higher than I have available to me most days.  I'm reading "Talking to a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder" and it talks about the understanding and perseverance needed and I don't relate at all - does anyone read this and say "yes, that is me, I can handle this"?

Even after reading the advice on how to respond and behave when she's having a meltdown, I find that I can't help thinking and saying "but what about me?  what about my feelings?"

How much self-sacrifice is required and am I able to do it.  These are the questions I'm asking myself tonight.

Thanks for reading.

I have read ... and I would add that these are the existential questions we all ask ourselves because they lie at the crux of the fault lines these relationships.

Rev

Yes.  And then the enviable question - I have been rallying, probably can rally some more, but where is that light at the end of the tunnel?  Or… the ominous - there is no end in the tunnel and “radical acceptance” is required to stay forever in the tunnel and be content.   And the back and forth inner struggle.  Throw in a little Christianity and family guilt and then stir it around again and sit with the question - what is my definition of contentment?

I haven’t read that book. But for many years I have worked with pre-schoolers and people on the autistic spectrum. I have a certain “hat” I wear whilst working which means I always do my best to never show an emotional reaction. I started to develop this skill so I didn’t seem incompetent to other staff, but then it became second nature. It is harder to wear the “hat” with my own kids but I try to, in pursuit of being a good parent. This is often a problem for teachers, their patience having run out at work and then they have none left for their own kids. When I learnt some skills for coping with my wife, I did find that I could somewhat wear the “hat” with her too. But tbh I love my work but I don’t want to have to wear this hat all the time forever.

It’s not maturity on my part, but a cold hard look at what I’m getting out of the situation: math, not emotion.

I’ve been in two marriages: one I endured for years rife with abuse and chaos. It took me a long time to realize that when added together the minuses of that relationship far outnumbered the pluses. And at that point, it occurred to me that the only option I had was to end the relationship.

In my current marriage, the pluses far outnumber the minuses. That’s an easy calculation.

I don’t feel the need to self sacrifice, and at the same time, I also don’t feel the need to participate in his emotional dysregulations. He’s welcome to do that on his own. It’s about having strong boundaries.

I learned that I was not capable of righting his boat in the storm. If he wanted to create a storm, then if he capsized, he could figure out how to refloat his boat. That wasn’t my responsibility. The less I’ve *helped*, the more he’s become capable of self soothing.

Maturity is a good way to express it. I generally have felt like I 'm the grownup with someone who acts like a young child. But, my own maturity gets worn away by all the rage and irrationality. Sometimes I don't know how to get back to the levels of maturity required to do all the things I need to do. So, things get prioritized: I have to be able to get up and go to work to bring in the income that keeps a roof over our heads and food in the table. Housework has to wait. ... Eight years of rages about how there's always laundry to be done. You'd think I'd get used to it. And I never do the housework right which I hear about constantly, so I'm not super motivated to do it anyway. Then I feel like a child. Early in our marriage I would have and did try to do it all: housework, shopping, the lawn ... . After all the over-adulting I was doing, now I'm worn out. If we worked together we'd need a fourth the effort to get things done. Instead there has to be this raging and criticism and ridicule and everything is a thousand times harder
I don't even get it