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 :help: hello, this is my first post and a difficult one. I've been dating someone now for the last 7 months who has BPD. She's been very open about the trauma that caused her BPD. A lot of it has been sexual trauma. So much so that every time a sexual topic comes up it triggers a emotional outburst to which I'm usually the victim. I know I'm not the cause of these situations but I do trigger them and it's a lot of my actions just being typical me and a typical guy. Just trying to do typical guy things in a sexual situation. However, every time I feel like I get comfortable and I let myself feel like I can express how I want to be sexually. It causes a problem. All she hears is that she's not good enough that she's worthless and that I don't love her and that I want other people, not her. I really do love her so much in my mind she is the only woman and I do really want to be with her forever. But I'm struggling with every time I feel like she's uses what I say against me and attacks me for it. Not physically but emotionally. We end up in the situations like we are now where she doesn't want to see me. Doesn't want to hear from me and has basically made it clear that I'm the worst thing that's ever come into her life. We've been through many of these emotional outbursts in fact, they happen quite often. I feel it's simply my presence anymore that's causing these outbursts. I feel that if I just weren't even there, she wouldn't get upset. But at the same time everybody in her life has always abandoned her at some point because they couldn't handle her BPD. And if I leave I know I'm just going to be in her mind another one of these guys that just used her and left her alone. I don't want to leave her. I know I'm I know I'm not the cause of her pain but I keep triggering it and I need help. Trying to figure out how I can stop triggering the situations. Or at least some advice on how I can possibly better diffuse them when they occur. We have been try some of our own things together and we've had a lot of breakthroughs. But at this point I guess I need something from another perspective. I want to be open emotionally with her but I feel that every time I give her a true bit of myself she will use that against me in an argument later on and she knows this. She also has a very good memory but at the same time can because of her splitting lose sense of reality when it comes to certain things. Like she will say I said something at night or did something at night when really it happened in the middle of the day. And a big thing that tends to occur a lot like in this situation, since we do not live together. I will go home to my house and spend the night alone with my dog and wake up to find out she spent the night at her house alone. Completely freaking out about something I said or did before I left or how I didn't say I loved her or how I didn't hug her or kiss her just right and she spent all night worrying about what I was doing or what I was thinking or how she wasn't good enough or how ugly she felt because I said something or didn't say something and I wake up and it's as if the whole world is falling apart. And instead of being able to go about my day which is a normal Saturday day off for me, I have to try to figure out how to pick up the pieces of my relationship and console. My girlfriend down from a heightened state that I triggered somehow and typically I don't know how I triggered it or when I triggered it until she's been triggered and is in such a heightened emotional state that I can't do anything about it, but wait until she calms down and hope for the best. I really want to be able to figure this out because I love her and I want to be with her but I don't know if this is a seriously toxic relationship and it's not good for her and it's not good for me. I'm hoping someone has some really good advice on maybe what I can do or where to go from here. Sorry for all the babbling. Thanks for any replies

Welcome Avail 22, and thank you for sharing.  So much of what you said resonated in my marriage for 24 years- especially the part about any discussion about doing something better turns to "you're saying I'm worthless, I didn't even try, etc..."  Those words never, ever came out of my mouth, but I'd have to endlessly defend against stuff like that.  Everyone here knows how frustrating and painful that can be.

For what to do, please read through the forum sticky topics and look up top in the tips and tools section.  There's a ton of great info from people that are more experienced than we are.  The general answer that you're looking for though is not what you can do differently, but how you respond to those outbursts since it seems you're looking for immediate advice. 

First, you validate your girlfriend's feelings with something like, "I understand how frustrating that must feel, anyone in that situation would feel the same way." 

Note that I didn't talk about her accusation or what she thought happened, I focused only on feelings because she's running on pure emotion.  Her feelings are hurt so you diffuse that, validate that you understand why she'd feel that way, and then you can add in a sentence or two that it wasn't your intention to hurt her or imply that she did something wrong.

Again, I'm no expert by any means here, but that's essentially the process.  It also might help to note that most of us here aren't very good at it, especially in the heat of the moment when we're being screamed at or listening to hysterical crying.  I hope that helps and I'll let others give additional advice on your other points.

You do not, however, validate

Welcome to BPD Family, we are here to support you and each other.

What you describe is a bit serious, so I will go straight to the advice... ASAP

Sex is a trigger for her, and to a lesser extent you too.  That is very difficult for both you and her.

Often borderlines are either hypersexual [want it all the time] or hyposexual [don't want it much at all and will only do it out of fear, obligation, and/or guilt], they can flip between the two states of sexuality.  Do not force or coerce her into having sex no matter how aroused you are if she is saying 'no' [even if she said 'yes' a few minutes or seconds earlier]. 

If she is seeing a counselor, have her explain that she has a [emotional] 'barrier' to sex.  There is a lot of trauma going on there.  With borderlines with sexual trauma [probable cPTSD comorbidity], the majority only have sex for one of two reasons:  1.  Abandonment issues - they use it as a tool to keep you in their lives; or, 2. Self-Harm - they use sex as means to perform self-harm on themselves by re-living the pain of their trauma. over and over again.

If she knows she is a borderline, and knows she is splitting.  Cooly and calmly tell her that she is splitting, and you love her and care for her, do this twice. 

If she doesn't know she is splitting, then, cooly and clamly tell her that her anger/rage is unacceptable, and then...

If she continues lashing out at you, tell her that you 'love her and care for her deeply; however, when she is treating you this way, you will chose not to be around her' [establishing/maintaining a boundary]. 

Continue to tell her that 'I am not leaving you; however, I am going to the next room, so I won't say/yell back at you on something that I will later regret'.  Again, do this twice, and then leave for the next room. 

If she follows you to the next room, change it so I will leave your place and go to my place until you can calm down.  Again, do this twice, and then leave and go to your place.  However, do reaffirm that you are not leaving her for good, you are only leaving while she is verbally attacking you, and you will come back once she calms down. 

Do not be critical, do not be defensive, do not justify your actions, do not argue, do not be judgemental.

Do explain twice, and then do not do it any more while reaffirming this is only temporary while she is upset.

Do establish and maintain a healthy boundary when she is doing this.  Do practice self-care. Do ask questions, learn about what it means to be a borderline, be supportive, have empathy, and do be truthful in everything you tell her [don't lie, or it will be held against you].  It is okay, to be quiet if you don't want to tell her the truth [as it is often triggering], but don't lie.

When she is splitting you need to use the DBT skill of 'radical acceptance'.  Basically knowing what she is doing is unintentional on her part; however, she is lashing out at you, because she cares for you the most.  Do not take it personally.  Essentially, you forgive her before she even splits on you, as you know it is not being done intentionally, even though it sure feels like it.

Everything I have said takes weeks or months to develop, and is difficult.  At first it will not make sense; however, eventually it will.  It is also not for everyone.

If she is not in therapy, get her into therapy - first priority

If you are not seeing a therapist, I highly recommend that you seek out an individual therapist for yourself as well - a close 2nd priority - you need to do self-care on yourself -- think of it as putting your oxygen mask on a doomed aircraft first before you put one on your partner.

Couple's counseling, do that too, as a 3rd priority, one that specializes in DBT / high conflict relationships.

All of your T's [therapists] should be familiar with BPD, if you can't find that, then find one that specialises in 'high conflict relationships.

If you have any questions, please ask, we are here to help.

Take care of yourself first, take care of her next.