BPDFamily.com

I have a girlfriend that I suspect has BPD but she hasn't been diagnosed with anything other than having PTSD from a previous abusive relationship and being sexually abused as a child.

She often gives me the silent treatment, or discards me, for things most couples would overcome in a five minute conversation.  Some of these bouts have lasted from a day to as long as 19 days.

Everytime she comes back she says I'm the best thing to ever happen in her life and she doesn't want to lose me.  Yet, she always throws me away and goes silent. She has mentioned her tendency to be All or Nothing with nothing in the middle aka Splitting.

The question I have for the group is why is this continuing to happen, when I've shown her unconditional love?  The second is what types of things has the group found to be helpful in trying to prevent these cycles from happening.

Hi and thanks for posting.  What you're experiencing is not uncommon and I'm sorry you're going through it.  I'll try to answer your questions briefly since there's much more qualified members here that could do more justice with their answers.

1) What you're giving as unconditional love and how she's receiving it could be two completely different things.  Everyone here can relate to that feeling or we wouldn't be here.  A pwBPD experiences everything through emotion in real time, and they're constantly seeking happiness even through their emotions can get quickly out of whack.  A look, a sarcastic comment, almost anything can be perceived as a slight and kick in their fear of abandonment or low self worth.

2) To prevent those cycles from happening, you need to break the cycle.  Learn to communicate in her language by validating her feelings as being genuine.  Read the courses here along the top of the page to get a better idea of how to do that.

For instance, I can say to you..."I just stubbed my toe and I'm in incredible pain, I think it's broken."  You look down at my toe and it looks fine, it's not even red. Most of us would react by saying, "Your toe looks fine, let's put some ice on it" or something like that.  It's logical.  But to a pwBPD, saying that is invalidating and offensive.  So in your response, you focus on the feelings first- "I'm so sorry you're hurting, let's see what we can do to make you feel better."  Then you can take a closer look at the actual problem and address it, or share your feelings in a non-threatening way.  But you always have to validate the feelings first to deescalate the situation via empathy.

Not a great answer, but I hope that helps a little.

Thank you VERY much for your response.  That makes all the sense in the world.  I have often said to her, when she would break up with me over matters most would take five minutes to resolve, I am not invalidating your feelings I need you to tell me what is wrong so we can fix it.

I am definitely going to try that approach, IF, she is willing to give this cycle another chance.  I have no reason to suspect she won't but time will tell.

From what I've heard from others here and read on my own, it's a cycle and they often come back around.  That wasn't the case for me, but there is hope that you'll have another chance.  Good luck my friend, and post anytime if you need additional advice.

The cycle...

love bombing --> devalue --> discard --> rinse and repeat [a.k.a. 'h-o-o-v-e-r-i-n-g']

It is called the 'love bombing cycle' and can last anywhere from a few days to three decades for the complete cycle.  It is typically attributable to narcissism however borderlines have it too.

Instead of telling you my opinion on it; you can do a Google search on the 'love bombing cycle' to read up on it more, and drill down to the exact information you are looking for.

While you are in the devalue/discard phases, make sure you do 'self-care' no matter what that may look like for you [exercise, hot/cold shower, get lost in a book/movie/tv series, hanging out with friends, etc.] in order to maintain your own sanity.

Good luck, and take care.