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Title: I did it, i told him i wanted a divorce Post by: whycantitbecalm on February 15, 2023, 05:31:31 PM Ok, so i made the big announcement almost 3 weeks ago.
After advice on here i was ready to possibly evacuate if needed, i’d confided in my support network so they could be ready too. They have been great. I expected My HwBPD to be furious, but he took me by surprise and was sobbing and dramatic, and remained that way for two weeks! He became this charming version of himself to try and lovebomb me i to changing my mind and can’t understand why i won’t try again. We’ve been trying for 20 yrs, it hasn’t worked and has been horrendous to live with, he spent a lot of that time asking me if i wanted a divorce and now tells me that he shocked that this is happening. That he never saw it coming, and that he thought we were stronger than any couple. As you can imagine this has really messed with my head, but i’m thinking that in the intent. Has anyone elses partner reacted this way? Title: Re: I did it, i told him i wanted a divorce Post by: ForeverDad on February 15, 2023, 07:59:00 PM Excerpt As you can imagine this has really messed with my head, but I’m thinking that was the intent. Two weeks can't undo twenty years. As is often remarked here, promises and brief changes mean little, what counts is real change over extended time. Sure, you caught his attention but is it sincere? We can tell you the odds whether his sincerity lasts very long - for all we know he might be an exception - but it's your judgment that counts more than ours as to whether your spouse will actually reverse his life and behavior patterns. What does your gut tell you? Sure, many will sweet talk of promising changes, others will do the reverse, ranting, raging and pressuring - called Extinction Bursts - but without the meaningful involvement of professionals such as therapists then all too soon the person reverts back to prior patterns, the spouse's prior "comfort zone". On a practical basis you can't keep your spouse on some sort of probation indefinitely. Ponder that. Meanwhile, a person with BPD (pwBPD) has an exaggerated sense of self, so be alert to subtle indications your spouse may be preparing to set up a golden parachute for self or laying the groundwork blaming you for the marriage's demise. Title: Re: I did it, i told him i wanted a divorce Post by: Pook075 on February 15, 2023, 08:05:25 PM I was going to say almost the same as ForeverDad- if you're not 100% sure you're done with this, now would be the ideal time to say, "If you want to see if our marriage can be saved, now would be the time for you to take therapy seriously." We all know that we're supposed to build healthy boundaries and you have the rare opportunity of getting his complete attention to make your demands heard.
That's your call though, and only your call- don't let any of us influence you because this is the past 20 years of your life. I wish you luck in whatever you decide. |