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I've found myself in situations like this a lot. It seems to me like a child who is tired, hungry, anxious and stressed because they've fallen to the ground and hurt their knee. Like they need to get their feelings off their chest, but that feeling is not reachable or if it is, they don't know how to explain it properly so it's projected on a person close to them.

But whatever it is to me, it still hurts. I don't like to be criticized like "I don't like the way you talk it drives me mad, the words you choose are not proper for your age, you speak like an old, spoiled woman, the words you choose get on my nerves", etc.

I've tried some approaches but none of them seem to work completely:
1. I tried saying that although I like the way I am, maybe there is a particular thing that is triggering him so I would take a look to see if I find out something about it and we can talk about it if he wants. This usually leads to a response like "let it go" and then I change the subject. I don't know if it is a healthy way of handling these conversations.
2. I tried saying that this is how my personality is and I don't feel good when he criticizes me like that and I don't want to have a fight over it. This usually leads to another fight.
3. I also tried asking him what exactly makes him feel bad. This leads to another insults and criticism and may lead to another fight, or him just saying something like "let it go, I have to deal with it I'm not that good to have a partner who matches 100% with what I want" which hurts me more than the criticism itself.

I think he sometimes do this just to hurt my feelings, or see if i defend myself, or get me into a fight. All guesses of course.

Whatever it is, these situations affect my self esteem to a level, and also stress me out a bit. I've put away approaches no. 2 & 3, but I don't know if I'm doing it right with the first way.

Criticisms that aren't true don't need to be defended. In fact, defending them in a way validates them.

The best way I learned to deal with untrue statements is to substitute the criticism for calling you a pink elephant.

This is an exercise in boundaries. A boundary is knowing "what is me" and "what is not me". The more you can be certain of what is true about yourself, the less of an emotional reaction you will have.

If someone called you a pink elephant, would you feel upset? Would  try to explain why you are not an elephant? You are certain that you are not an elephant, and the other person saying you are can not make it true.

If you can be as certain about what is true about you and not true, you won't emotionally react to these accusations.

Trying to explain otherwise is JADE and adds fuel to the drama. You can validate the feeling but not the fact. A reply such as "I understand you feel this way" and then disengage doesn't add drama. Yes, he may be trying to get you into a fight as a way to let go of his bad feelings. Don't fall into that.

Great advice from not Wendy as always, thank you! Tomorrow I will keep reminding myself that I’m not a pink elephant and I’m not a rubbish wife either…