BPDFamily.com

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind to say the least. A month ago, I had no idea what bpd was. All I knew is that my marriage was deteriorating and I could not make sense of what was happening with my wife. I’m in a same sex marriage and have been together 12 years. We have 2 young kiddos together. We have had mostly a happy life together but looking back over the last 12 years, I can now clearly see how my wife’s bpd has affected our marriage. This all came to light a few weeks ago when I discovered my wife had taken several credit cards in my name and hid secret debt from me. She claimed it was a shopping addiction and would get help. Things continued to be tumultuous. I began doing research on mental disorders that affected addiction and came across bpd and that’s when I knew this was the reality I have been living. I have been seeing my own therapist for the last year and she also confirmed that she believed my suspicions were spot on. I began researching and read “Stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist”. I can now see several ways in which my caretaking has contributed to this controlling, manipulative, and unhealthy behaviors. Last week, I gently questioned my wife if she knew anything about this disorder and if anything resonates. She got upset and denied and then finally admitted she had been diagnosed with this disorder 3 years before we met. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me when I learned this. I felt deceived and also just shocked that what I believed was now validated. I love my wife and I want to make this work but I have to be honest that I’m scared. Things have escalated so much within the past few weeks and there have been false threats made against me in attempts to scare me in case I decided to leave. I believe there have always been elements to our relationship that have been unhealthy due to her bpd and my caretaking, but I do believe things escalated and became unmanageable for her over the last 2 years after she had weight loss surgery and we had our 2ns child. I believe these 2 stressful life events have caused her bpd to spin out of control. She has stated she will get help and wants to be better but I am having a hard time believing much of anything. I am overwhelmed by the thought of the mental and emotional gymnastics that will continue due to this disorder. But I love her and I truly want things to be better.

Hi Sardine, welcome to the group  :hi: This is a safe place to land and catch your breath as you process the new information about your W's BPD diagnosis.

The impulsivity, big reactions to life stressors, deception, false allegations, and tumultuousness all sound very familiar. Some pwBPD (people with BPD) seem to live in a swirling vortex of chaos, drama, intensity, and disordered emotions, and all of that takes a toll on the loved ones around them.

It's good that you are able to reflect on the last 12 years and have some clarity that No, things weren't always "perfect" -- sounds like there were some red flags in the past?

And it's also good that you can see an area where you contributed to the relationship dynamics. In fact, as you settle in here, you could check out our review of the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203887.0) by Margalis Fjelstad, as it may be helpful for your situation.

While we can't change the way the pwBPD in our lives thinks or feels or acts, we do have control over how we act with them, and there is hope that we can make changes (even if uncomfortable) to help make things "less worse". You're right that apart from intensive and prolonged therapy, she will likely stay pretty much the same. However, you can learn some new, often unintuitive, tools and skills here, that can help "stop the bleeding" and get things less reactive as you decide how you want the relationship to go.

How old are your kids? How have they been doing with the conflicts?

And how does your support system looks right now? Are you seeing a counselor/therapist at all? That can be so helpful to stay grounded when there's a pwBPD in your life.

Looking forward to learning more about your situation;

kells76

Thank you for your reply and!It’s all been very hard to digest and I find myself still getting caught in denial thag any of this is happening.

My kiddos are 6 and 6 months. My oldest doesn’t seem to realize much going on except we are arguing more than usual. I have noticed when things are tense between my wife and I, my wife latches on to our 6 year old and I find that she pushes away more from me. I’ve just noticed this cycle.

Luckily, I have an amazing therapist who I have seen for the past year. She helped me put the pieces together of this mess and I feel like I can count on her support to help guide me through this time.

I guess my main thing I’m wondering is is all this just as hopeless as others on the boards make it out to be? It feels as if I’m signing up for a life of misery unless I made the decision to leave.

Hi again Sardine, sorry it took me a minute to reply.


It's good that you recognize you might have some denial that this is happening. I wonder if that might be part of grieving the relationship you thought you had, wishing it could go back?

Yes, pwBPD sometimes have "inverted" relationships with their children. For example, in a normal parent-child relationship, the parent comforts the child and helps the child with the child's emotions. When BPD is involved, the parent might turn to the child, and tacitly require the child to take care of the parent's emotions/comfort the parent, instead.

Am I tracking with you that when you say "when things are tense between my wife and I, my wife latches on to our 6 year old and I find that she pushes away more from me", the "she" pushing away from you is your wife? (not your child?)

Really great that you have a therapist you trust who is walking alongside you right now. That makes a huge difference, and my sense is that those people coping with a pwBPD (person with BPD) in their family, who have at least an individual T, tend to cope a little better -- therapy can be a place to build tools and skills for more effective communication, and can also be a place to get re-grounded in reality, vs swept away by the perceptions of the pwBPD.

As you think about what living with a spouse with BPD long-term might look like, consider adding in counseling/therapy for your kids, at some point. There is a lot you can do as the "non" parent for them, yet they will also need a more neutral place to process what's going on. If issues come up at early ages, play therapy is an option. Your T will likely have a better read on how your kids are doing and when is a good time to add T for them.

Is your 6YO in school yet? You can think about reaching out to the school counseling team ahead of time and just giving a heads up/building that relationship between you and them.

To address your final question -- I guess the answer is "it depends".

One thing to remember is that loved ones with BPD are more than just pwBPD -- they have individual motivations, values, moral compasses, etc. Some pwBPD seem to lie, cheat, be unfaithful, be impulsive, and have little to no sense of right and wrong. Other pwBPD seem to have strong moral compasses, value faithfulness, be committed to living a spiritual/religious life, be self-sacrificial in some areas, etc. So your spouse's underlying individualness will impact her BPD behaviors and tendencies. Some pwBPD are so unpredictable and dangerous that it is not possible to stay in a healthy relationship. Other pwBPD can manage themselves and try to live by their values, making it more possible to have a safe relationship.

Comorbidities can impact the do-ability of a BPD relationship, too. If a spouse also has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) traits/behaviors, ASPD, depression, bipolar/mania, psychosis... any of those, especially untreated can make a BPD relationship much more difficult. If a spouse with BPD has depression, too, for example, but actively seeks treatment for the depression, that could make things more hopeful.

There are a lot of things under the control of the "non" spouse that can make the relationship "less bad" -- when you have a chance, check out our Tools and Skills Workshops (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0). We have a lot of power to make different communication choices, that can deescalate conflict instead of "throwing fuel on the fire". Take a look at some of the threads -- any of them resonate with you, or seem do-able, or that you'd want to try?

Ultimately, though, a relationship with a pwBPD will be like a "special needs" relationship, except instead of your spouse using a wheelchair, for example, they have an emotional disability. You may not ever have the fully mutual, deeply understanding, unconditionally supportive relationship you wanted. Yet you can decide if you can accept your spouse's emotional limitations and live with the knowledge that "this is kind of how it will be", that there will be good days and bad days, and unless your spouse seeks out and commits to long term treatment, things might stay mostly the same. It can get more manageable for you, especially if you are willing to make some changes on your end, but probably thinking of it as a "special needs marriage" might be the most helpful picture. Plenty of people stay in physical special needs relationships (one spouse is paralyzed, for example), and can find joy despite limitations.

So, overall, "it depends", and it is OK for you to decide what you are up for, what you value, and what you need. With the support of your T and this group, you can build some new skills that may have a positive impact on the stay-ability of your relationship.

Keep us posted on how you and your family are doing;

kells76