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My BPD wife and I have been separated for about 7 months now; she walked and never looked back.  We have spoken a little and agreed that she'd have to pay her own bills from now on, which she'd be able to do with her current job.  However, she hasn't paid her car insurance for several months now since she's still on my policy.  If you were in my shoes, would you continue paying the insurance for her?  It's about $225 a month, which I can afford to pay.  However, I'm probably tighter on money than she is since she left me with the mortgage and several other joint debts.

She has two vehicles- one is a truck in her name only.  If I dropped the insurance on it, the state would suspend her license.  The 2nd vehicle is in both our names, so I have to carry insurance on that regardless.  I could just drop my wife and the truck from my policy...is that just being spiteful though?  I might save $125 a month total doing that.

Anyway, just looking for honest opinions.  We haven't spoken in months so I don't see a path to reconciliation at this time.  Maybe that should factor into this, maybe not.  That's exactly why I'm asking.

I would think that this is something decided by the courts during a divorce.

After that, the car would not be in both names.

I think it would be wise to have her off your policy as any ticket she got would raise your rates. Timing and consequences are a consideration though. If she needs a vehicle to get to work and her license is suspended, that might have consequences to any settlement.

I think this is a legal question as to when to do this.

That makes sense, thank you.  We've talked about a simple, no fault divorce where I give her a payout once I sell the house.  We're hoping to not have to get lawyers involved, and the car in both our names (plus the insurance) is the only real issue.  She's made the car payment on time each month (it's 100% her car).

I'm in a state where you can't divorce for a year, so we have 5 months left.  Maybe I do need to speak with an attorney anyway.  I also have the option of filing immediately for cause (adultery), but I'm hesitant because then she'd defend it and we'd eventually have to get lawyers involved.

It's wise to talk to an attorney anyway. It doesn't mean you have to hire that exact one, or any at all. Often, even a 30-60 minute "initial consultation" (sometimes free, sometimes not, but not the same as putting a lawyer on retainer) can answer a lot of your questions. If you have time, consult with a few different L's. Again, this doesn't commit you to anything -- it's just better to know in advance that you don't need a L (or only need one for very specific tasks), vs being surprised suddenly that you do need a L and you don't have one and haven't started looking.

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For the vehicle insurance, if things have been low conflict so far, you can try a "decide and inform" approach where you think about what you are able to do, and then inform her of what you are doing. This is as opposed to an "ask and wait" approach where you try to ask if she's OK with something and she never gets back to you, for example.

So, one way to do that would be to let her know "Hello; as of July 31st, 2023, I will no longer be paying for insurance for Vehicle XYZ. This means that Vehicle XYZ will no longer be insured under Policy ABC with Company Q as of Day/Date/Year, and I won't be managing, financing, or coordinating any further insurance for that vehicle. Thank you, Pook075"

There could be a different way to phrase it, but the idea is -- you aren't asking "Hey, is it OK if I stop paying insurance for the truck? Does that work for you?" and then either it turns into an argument, or you're waiting around for her response that might never come. You're giving her a solid heads up about a change you're making that will affect her, and it isn't a debate.

Hope that helps;

kells76

Since you are still married, I’d be very concerned about your liability and joint assets should she be involved in an accident, especially one with injury or property damage. Check with an attorney how you can protect yourself.

Hey Pook—I agree with all that’s been said, it’s good advice. I’m wondering if it might also help to think through your ambivalence. Other than the legal and financial side, does this feel like a ‘big’ step? What kinds of feelings does it bring up for you?

Feel free to ignore if I am way off base, of course!

I had a similar issue.  During our separation she lived elsewhere, while I had not moved, but she was on my insurance.  I believe we jointly owned 'her' vehicle.  During a call to my insurance company, I was told that if that her vehicle was "garaged" elsewhere then she'd have to get separate insurance, even though there was not a final decree yet.

I gave them her address.  They said they'd send her a letter notifying her that she had 30 days to create a separate account with them or go elsewhere.  I never heard a peep from her.  So nice, with that bug in the company's ear, I didn't even have to do the notifying.

You can't live her life for her.  Find out what the insurance company rules and procedures are.  If she is not in compliance, why not let them do the notification?  Don't overthink it while trying to be overly nice.

Very sound advice, thank you Kells.  I will reach out to an attorney and see what my options are.


I didn't think about that either..I guess there's a lot I didn't think about.  Thanks for your help and insight Cat!

My insurance company (USAA) has the exact same rules.  That's a good idea, I can make them the "bad guy" in this situation.  That's exactly what I'm going to do...thank you!

You're not off base at all- this has certainly been a journey of discovery for me the past 7+ months.  I've accepted that I can't force her to have an adult conversation though and the only way for me to fully heal is to let her go completely.  If we could talk, if she would consider therapy, if she could be loving, present, etc, then sure...I'd still want to see if there's anything there potentially.  But that seems out of reach at this moment and I'm okay with that.

This doesn't feel like a 'big step' as much as it does a logical progression in moving on.  At this point, I just want it to be over and not feel like I'm constantly being put on hold while out she's living her best life.  Other than one recent conversation about a sick friend, we haven't talked at all since Thanksgiving.