BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone, its my first post here so I don't know if I'm posting properly. My partner has BPD, the smallest things trigger him and he literally thinks its the end of the relationship, a few days ago he was telling me he loves me, he misses me, I'm the best person ever, we are going travelling together this summer so he was excited for that. I messaged him and asked him to call me when he's home as there was a few things I wanted to talk to him about that I'm not happy with in our relationship (money issues) and he literally split into a different person. Getting snappy and frustrated. Next day his tax return came back wrong and he got frustrated with me about it because he couldn't understand how I was explaining the error to him. I left him to it, this morning we spoke normally then I told him the plans of how I was going to pick him up this weekend (we had plans for dinner and a few others things this weekend he was meant to be coming to stay at mine) and he switched and said he didn't want to stay at mine, a few days ago he was talking about how excited he was for these plans bearing in mind. I asked him why and he replied saying he isn't feeling this relationship anymore. I told him I understand he's stressed but I've done nothing wrong and whatever is bothering him we can fix, I also said I won't see him this weekend and ill see him next weekend instead and ill give him a couple of days space. He replied ok and then reacted a thumbs down to my message. I haven't spoken to him since that last message. I know we always sort things out but in the back of my mind I always have the doubt of what if we don't. I can see maybe I triggered something but I just need advice on how I can better approach issues to not trigger him. Its so difficult because I know he doesn't mean it, he wouldn't of changed his mind so quickly and I know its a split. How can I help him out of this split quicker? I hate it not speaking to him I just want to text him and tell him I love him and to stop being silly but I know he can't help it. What's everyone elses opinions? We've had arguments so much worse than this and always pulled through

Dear Ark,

I guess you've posted in the right place for sure. :)

It's so hard when you feel you're walking in eggshells with someone you love, and I totally feel you.


This just reminded me of how my partner changes/had changed before from the morning telling me how much he loves me, to night telling me I make him bored and he has always hated me!
I'm also new to this, even with knowing that my partner has BPD for +3 years. But recently I've been thinking that people with BPD are more like children than adults, specially in emotions, even though they may actually seem and act so mature when they're not triggered. They don't really understand when their partner has some comments on a part of the relationship not them, and this won't lead to a break up. Just like a child when they get shouted at from their mother, and they might think their whole existence is wrong and their mother is going to leave them (and this was actually a big fear in my partner's childhood). This kind of thinking helps me get less confused and shocked when I see such reactions from my partner, and I tolerate the space between us better.




Personally I never thought there would be someone out there that feels like how I feel. I completely feel you. Maybe we expect somewhere in the corner of our minds that maybe we just tell them "I love you please don't be silly finish this space between us" and they just come back, but we also know that's not how they think and behave.

I don't know how you can help him with splitting episodes, that's also a question of mine. What I always do after break ups is just give him some space, but letting him know that I'm there for him (because although he says he's better without me, he's worse than ever in those times). Then after some days I try to talk to him and see if his guards are down, and continue talking to him until he feels close to me again.
I think it's a good thing that your partner accepted some space when you suggested, even with an okay and a thumbs down reaction. :)

Waiting is so hard, but as others say to me here, please be kind to yourself through this time and manage to take care of yourself too, you deserve it. :)

I hope others have better answers for you. :)

Hey Ark!
It looks to me like you could possibly be in the devaluation stage of the relationship.(?) Is he receiving treatment for his disorder?