BPDFamily.com

I haven't posted in a while because I've been focused on some new hobbies and taking positive steps in my own life. Last night I had a conversation with a new friend who also happens to be an experienced psychotherapist. She mentioned helping military members heal from trauma, and she mentioned 9/11. I then told her about a study that suggested military dependent children have a higher rate of mental illness than the general population.

Reflecting later, I realized that it's been 22 years since the 9/11 event.  The children of military members who were babies or toddlers on 9/11 would now be in their early 20s. Thousands of military families were disrupted and traumatized by military deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan.

Making this connection made we wonder how many parents here have a connection with the military or first responders? (My child's father was away from home for most of her first 3 years of life and then several more years during childhood). I know asking this question doesn't solve any problems, I am just curious...

Jane,

   I am such a parent and husband to my wife who is uBPD.

   We started dating 9 months, 11 days before 9/11 occurred.  We had our first child 5 years 2 months later, and our son 10 years after 9/11.  So, for the first dozen years of my daughter's life I was not there enough, and the same for the first 7 years of my son's life. 

   I was deployed numerous times to the 'sand box' since 'desert storm' and was away from my wife, and children for extended periods of time until I recently retired in 2019.  Same location, different target.

   While working it kept my wife's abandonment fears up.  My daughter likely developed AN in response to my wife's anxieties [circumstantial evidence] and was in hospital for months.  In response I retired early, 3 years ago, along with my own health issue with my knee.  My son has defiance tendencies which are being reversed [pre-pubescent].  The issues with my daughter, now 16 are being mitigated and somewhat reversed.  The issues with my son are also being reversed.  I am attempting to address my wife's issues, and have had marginal success there.

   I agree with your assessment that being away created issues, that I am now trying to reverse in my children, and also my wife, who is a lot less receptive to doing so.

   If you have any specific questions, and I will try and answer them for you.

   Take care, with self-care.

Not quite what you're asking, but what jumped to mind seeing the post title:

a) When they were first differentiating BPD, its European cousin Haltlose PD, and such - a study showed that it was one of only two mental illnesses not found among its military troops seemingly because the "discipline" that the patient needs and the "discipline" that the military offers are non-compatible.

b) I know a dBPD who insists she used to be mentally healthy and wonderful up until 9/11 happened. The facts and her relatives don't seem to agree that 1998-2001 were healthy times for her, but at the very least she's clung to the idea of its fault as an external abstract factor rather than anything going on at home.

Thanks for your replies Salty Dawg and Pearls. @Salty, I hope that your retirement will give you a chance to keep improving the relationships in your family. Deployments are crazy hard on everyone, and the post-9/11 decades were some of the worst in history as far as family separation.

@Pearls - that study is interesting and I'll look into it further. In my post, I was asking about how many children of military members have been diagnosed with BPD, not service members themselves. That said, I do find it hard to believe that one wouldn't find BPD in the military. The majority of my friends from military days are now divorced after 20+ year marriages. As we've shared our past experiences, we realized that emotional dysregulation, fear of abandonment, and narcissistic tendencies were common traits in our military spouses. It was as though our spouses could be disciplined and hold everything together while at work, but they exploded or were miserable when they got home.

Jane,

Thank you for your concern.

Relationships with my children are improving and I am happy for that.

However, my relationship with uBPD wife, now that we are no longer separated was not - it is rocky at best, and all out hell at worst.  Until this past June I had no clue as to the damage being done, nor was I aware of most mental health issues [never been taught it, except 'Stockholm Syndrome' in the context of a hijacking] including BPD.  I know what I am dealing with, without any doubt, as when I am thinking of BPD behavior, her behavior becomes quite predictable.  Right now it is a work in progress, it can only go one of two ways, either a divorce/separation, or it gets better - only time will tell, and how skilled her T's are in the matter.

Take care.