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Hi, I don’t know if this is the right place to put this. My husband is in inpatient care at the psychiatric hospital for the first time. Despite our agreed-upon safety plan, he ignored it, lied to me, and tried to kill himself this morning.

I have long been trying to get him to see a weekly therapist, or try out group therapy, but he just picked a random tele-health therapist and talks to them every couple weeks. It took me a lot of nagging to get him to even TRY a new med when his previous one wasn’t working for YEARS. He always gives up on talk therapy and says it’s “insurance issues” but I know that’s not true. He has start working through the DBT workbook but he’s already written it off as “it doesn’t work.” I feel like he isn’t actually trying to get better, that he is just waiting for his BPD to go away on its own. When he feels okay he is convinced there is no problem. When he is in his dark place he sees no point.

I am his spouse. I am not his mother. I don’t know what to do. What do I do? How do I demand he meets me halfway without him hating himself and shutting down? I can’t even tell him concerns without him getting angry at himself. I feel like I am slamming my head against a brick wall.

Please, anyone I just… I need help

Was your husband at your home when he attempted suicide, and is now inpatient as a result? Or was he already at the hospital? I'm somewhat confused as to your situation.

How long will your husband be in inpatient care? Are you in therapy yourself? Taking care of yourself during the time he is not in your house, and so not in your immediate care, can allow you to regain your balance. The professionals at the inpatient facility may be able to direct you to the best help and support.

You cannot prevent his self-harm behaviors. It is not your fault or responsibility to keep him safe. Don't take this on yourself.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through what you're going through. One of the traps we as non-BPD partners fall into is thinking we can fix things. We live in a more logical head space than somebody with BPD (no offense to them) but applying logic with them often doesn't work, especially in these types of situations. For example, my wife recently threatened her life with a screwdriver she was holding. It scared the living daylights out of us, and it was our oldest son who was able to calm her down (which is messed up). I took her to the hospital, held her hand the entire time she was being evaluated, told her everything would be okay, and that we would get her the help she needs. In a logical relationship, she'd have seen how much I care and our love would have grown stronger as a result. Fast forward to now, however, and she's split and discarded me. It's hard not to think it's something *I* didn't do that caused this split but in reality, they aren't seeing reality from a mature, logical space. They're always coming at life from the perspective of an immature child's mind, from the place where the trauma paused their development.

The only thing we can realistically do in these moments is try to take the burden off our own chests and focus on taking care of our hearts. pwBPDs, unconsciously, pick up on what works and what doesn't work to get the attention they crave. My wife knows my weaknesses, as I'm sure your SO does too. GaGrl is 100% right that you have to try not to take this on yourself and give yourself space. You have to take care of yourself now more than ever. Here's sending you nothing but love and support, my friend.

Uncle