BPDFamily.com

Ok - do you ever get to the point where you shake your head and want to throw up in your mouth?  Yeah - that is about where I am today…  lol

Enjoy it, knowing it won’t last.  lol

What's going on?

Turk - I guess it is just the typical cycle that I can see more clearly now.  I feel I am painted really white at this moment, and it is just the over the top syrupy sweet sayings, affirmations, and actions she is doing that trigger an emotional gag reflex in me.  She knows she is on thin ice, and I intentionally stepped out of her drama triangle.  I am not rescuing her, and I am not persecuting her anymore.  So I guess to her that would appear as withdrawn?  I feel she is worried about abandonment and is trying desperately to reel me back in with being extra, extra, extra nice.  The problem is that I am so much more educated now than I have been previously in the past 28 years and I see it for what it actually is - part of the typical abuse cycle.  To Cat’s point - I already know what is coming on the next turn of the wheel so the irony is hitting me now, and that is the basis of my comment.

We all have our own set of "relationship tools" - the skills on this board- such as validation and not to JADE, are examples of relationship tools that are applicable to many types of relationships. As we learn new "tools", we gain relationship skills.

We use the "tools" we have and the ones that have worked for us in the past. If you saw a nail out on the wall, you'd pick up a hammer. But if the only "tool" you had was a wrench, and the wrench worked, you'd use that until you figured out that it's not working and then you'd look for something else.

You and your wife have been in a behavior pattern together. You each have your own set of relationship tools. Your wife has hers- the cycle of abuse as you describe- but for her, the "love bombing" has worked for her and had drawn you closer. You are learning new tools- boundaries, not enabling. This changes the pattern between you, but for your wife, she has the same set of tools she always has used. Of course, she's going to try the one that works, the love bombing. Until it doesn't work. However, sometimes the behaviors get worse as they keep trying the ones they have. Like you might put a hole in the wall by hammering at a nail with a wrench before you decide it's not working.

She wants to bring you back into the pattern because it's familiar and comfortable and predictable. Your job is to maintain your new tools. Hopefully you can remain as non reactive to her as possible as she tries the skills she has. It's hard to predict the outcome but this is how dynamics change.

Outdoor enthusiast, I totally get it and I’m so glad to be in a safe place where people understand. I’m tired of it after only 8 years. My dbpdw has been pretty much long term split since our little one was born in October, but for a day or 2 each month she’s saying she loves me and wants hugs and kisses and wearing our wedding rings. She paid a professional songwriter to write a song about us for Valentine’s Day. “I love you forever, I love this life with you…” I was honestly like, “thanks” (but wtf). The irony being that I write songs myself, and the last song I wrote for my wife 4 years ago she has always refused to listen to it (long story as you can imagine…)