BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone

my best friend (like a sister to me) of 25 years has bpd. we grew up together and more or less raised each other. we met when we were five years old. we were best friends but she insulted me and bullied me throughout middle and high school. she was jealous of all my other friends and I was not allowed to do anything without her, or she would get very angry. I was so scared of her growing up, I would've done anything for her. she also has nice moments and made me feel loved and like I was a part of something special. she has a good and kind heart but the bpd gets in the way.

she's so smart and is pursuing a phd in child development so she can help children so they dont end up feeling like how she does. shes trying her best, shes in therapy and shes caring. but ive done everything in the book and i dont remember a time i didnt feel anxious, dread and my stomach drop at the thought of her or seeing her name on my phone. she loves me because i understand her but she doesnt understand me at all. im so silenced and fearful in our friendship and ive decided to leave.

im preparing to end this friendship but i need support. after 25 years she knows everything about me and im so scared of what she will do and the secrets she will share to everyone i know, my work, my family, everything is at risk. i am the only person in her life. i feel guilty for abandoning her but i know this is the only way i can find sanity and be me for the first time in my life

 :hi: Mirrormirror,

I can relate to your fears of secrets being shared as retaliation. In my case this fear was never realized, and I think it is because I also know my pwBPD’s (a sister) secrets, and so she kept her mouth shut.

It is very wise of you to seek out support. Do have a counselor, or would you consider getting into counseling if not? It would be helpful to find a counselor who has experience with people who are trying to leave abusive relationships. You might also want to preempt any attempts by her to begin a defamation campaign by having a chat with your HR department, as well with your friends and family, but I would recommend that you speak with a counselor before you make any moves. You might even begin to avoid any major drama if you start putting your foot down with her and start standing up for yourself so that she is the one to pull the plug on your friendship instead of you. This is the strategy I used with my sister.

I would also encourage you to attend some Codependents Anonymous meetings as these can also be very helpful, especially if you work with a sponsor.

Most of all I would also like to reassure you that you are not abandoning her. Only dependent children and those that are physically dependent on others, such as the disabled and elderly, can be abandoned. You are simply ending your friendship, which is something that millions of people the world over do on a daily basis. She is in therapy and her therapist will be there to pick up the pieces. You absolutely deserve to find sanity, and I wish you much strength and courage.  :hug:

I mean, it's most likely that they will not smear you much, just from ignoring them or something, if you constantly antagonized them, yeah. But mostly, they just do their own thing, if you ignore them, because they are so self obsessed, that they'd rather move on to the next person.