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I was with her for about 10 months. She convinced me her ex was abusive, so I moved her in. We move in together and two weeks later, she's gone..

She said I didn't clean enough. Said I put my friends first. Said I didn't listen. The entire breakdown was *MY* fault. She started seeing him while we were together and in a relationship the day before I moved out...   I raised her two children. I helped her after SH. She's medicated for BPD...

What did I do wrong?

You didnt do anything wrong. Except perhaps trust too fast. We've all been there Friend.
Welcome.

In cohabitating, she began to see things that broke down her idealized view of you, and therefore, seeing flaws, you became a bad bad thing. She setup an escape plan (and partner) and executed.

Was there someone directly before you that she swung from them to you? Was she still with them when she started talking with you?

Its easy to be blinded by love, but if you look back with a logical eye, you will see the red flags and patterns were there before you commited.

She was living with her abusive ex... he refused to move and so did she. I moved her in to get her away from him. She used to say "I need this relationship to work" when nothing was even wrong..

The new bf is her old FWB

Look up BPD Recycling patterns, and Triangulation.

BPD's and NPD's usually have a partner in place before they leave, its because they are afraid of abandonment.

Hey WDIDW, I want to join in the rest to welcome you to the group. Really glad you reached out for some perspective.

This part of your reply stood out to me:


Borderline Personality Disorder can impact sufferers' perspectives, thoughts, and beliefs, in a way where what they feel is the basis for what they think is true -- the common "feelings equal facts" phrase. This is typically the opposite of how "generally normal" people think, believe, and perceive -- first they take in the facts, then they have some feelings about those facts. "Ugh, it's raining outside -- now I feel down because I wanted nicer weather". Versus a pwBPD: "Ugh, I feel down. Therefore, it must be raining outside"

It is possible that because your ex's BPD impacts her ability to separate her feelings from the facts of what happened, then if she feels sad, down, or abandoned after a breakup with her ex, those feelings color how she sees and talks about him. "If I feel profoundly sad and hurt, then he must have done something profoundly hurtful to me -- therefore he must have been abusive".

Without knowing more about that situation (i.e., yes, perhaps he was abusive), it's possible that she "painted him black" to herself... and to you. Who wouldn't want to "rescue" a "victim" from an "abusive relationship"?

Check out our Q&A on Splitting: Painted black (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=94786.0) and    BEHAVIORS: Splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0), and let us know if those resonate with you and your situation.

Let us know how you're doing -- we're here for you;

kells76

I'll go to a bit more detail...

I met her Dec 2021. I asked her on a date, she said yes but ended up bailing. We stopped talking until May 2022 and that's when it happened. She was living with her ex of 7 years that she has two children to. Ages 2 and 3. When I was around, I was more of the father than he was. He was controlling to her (I did witness this behaviour) so I told her to move into my place. Everything seemed amazing. I have no complaints about the relationship. Everything was amazing. Jan 2023. She says "you're not giving me enough phys attention, do you still want me?" me "yes of course, I'm just going through things at work" she got a bit funny from there. We moved closer to her work, 45 min from her work, and 2 weeks later after signing the lease she dumped me. The reasons change. "I want to be alone" "i dont want to be tied down" "I'm not ready for a relationship". She strung me along until Friday the 10th. I moved out the 11th. She's in a new relationship as of the 10th.

Feel free to share as much as you need to. Nothing you are saying will be new to us here. It is par fo r the course unfortunately. You truly didn't do anything wrong. Remember this...you cannot reason with crazy. There is no logic to it. Someone who is disordered does not and cannot understand themselves, so what makes you think you could possibly understand them?

Untreated it is unfortunate what the disordered go through. It sucks, but you cannot help them. They have to help themselves and they have to want to help themselves.

So please truly be kind to you and do not be so hard on yourself. If there is anything you are at fault for...its called being a good caring person so cut yourself some slack. You are not equipped to handle a disordered partner just as most are not.

Take care of yourself and keep your head up. You are going to get through this and you are going to be alright.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

I went to the emergency room due to mental health. I spoke with a nurse and a psych, they let me go home and I had some time off from work.

I had to go back to grab a box from her house. She let me in. The new boyfriend was there. Her daugher (age 3) was saying "----- isn't our friend anymore and he's a loser" She's been with this guy (allegedly) a week.