BPDFamily.com

Hi,

**I accidentally posted this message in another forum, but I feel this forum is better suited to my situation**


It's been 4 months, and I'm still struggling to move on. In a previous post, I mentioned that I was in a 3-year friendship that was a roller-coaster of highs and lows. While we were friends, things were great; he was one of the most consistent friends I ever had. When we tried to be more romantic (situationship), that's when things got very complicated.

My ex-friend--I'll call him Ed-- and I would breach the friendship line and things got confusing. I was always "all-in" but he would display repeated patterns that I could only deduce were signs of "splitting." His behavior became inconsistent. He would blow insanely "hot" to then go "cold" without rhyme or reason, and would even gaslight me as a means of avoiding admitting his true feelings--huge lack of accountability. Mind you, he would put me on a pedestal when he was in the valuing stage. So I would put stock in his words.

The hard part about all of this was that I allowed this to happen over four times in our relationship/situationship. I would address it and then we would agree to be just friends. But every time we went down this rabbit hole, a piece of my self-worth was chipped away... and some resentment would fester. In my head, every time I would engage in intimacy, I felt that enough time had passed for him to work through his inner demons. I guess not. The process of value and devalue would happen again.

But how many times should I tolerate this level of inconsistency before snapping and walking away? Before I say enough is enough? He continued to show romantic interest with newfound promises of wanting to engage in the pursuit... and then, he would run. It was "textbook." I began to distrust him. His words and actions were "never" aligned.

I have come to terms with my codependent tendencies. I was hanging on for dear life to those "hot" moments when he would serve me breadcrumbs. I noticed that the more I indulged in these behaviors and chased Ed, the more I was corroding my own sense of self-worth. I was trying to use some sense of logic to understand behaviors that defied logic. How can a person string someone along repeatedly (a supposed true friend) and think that it's okay... on a human level?  Mind you, I'm very good at pretending to bounce back. I really wanted this friendship.

This last time, I realized that "staying" was communicating to Ed that what he was doing was inconsequential... that it was okay. I could not do that anymore. The loss of this friendship hurt; his actions when we tried to be something more unveiled his true character, and I could no longer unsee that fatal flaw.

Despite knowing that I did what I had to do, I'm still feeling this aching guilt. I'm still wondering whether or not I should have given him one more chance. Or maybe I should have communicated my boundaries with more clarity.

I acted aggressively and walked away unceremoniously; I blocked him on social media. We'd had multiple conversations leading up to this, but nothing changed. In fact, his behaviors became more passive-aggressive and dismissive, which made me feel as though my boundaries were not being honored. In my head: what was the point of addressing this if it was not going to amount to a healthy change? It seemed so disrespectful. So, instead of addressing it one final time... I walked.

While we were friends, I noticed Ed had a huge sensitivity to criticism. He could diss it, but could not take it. I'm sure he would not have been as forgiving of me had the shoe been on the other foot. He is ruthless in the way he handles conflict: hangs up on his family members, throws childish tantrums in public when he does not get his way, and makes very persistent demands. Yet, when one needs something from him, he's prone to giving kickback. I got used to walking on eggshells.

I went off on a rant, but I think I'm just looking for outside validation for walking away. Was it handled immaturely? Was I too rash? I wrote the guy a heartfelt letter about 3 months later, and sent it, even though I know it was undeserved. I owned up to my part. He is incapable of doing the same. Zero accountability. It's so sad.

I hope I never have to encounter a situation like this again. I was a really good friend. I just can't shake off this guilt; it's all-consuming.