BPDFamily.com

So almost two weeks ago it was revealed that my wife has been cheating on me for over a year. She told me she was sorry and that she wanted to fix things, then a few days later started seriously breaking down. She started cutting herself (which she's had trouble with in the past) and stated that she was suicidal.

The day that she admitted to being suicidal she also decided she wanted to check into a crisis unit for help, which I was very happy about. Since she has been there all the therapists/psychiatrists agree, and have diagnosed her with BPD. She seems incredibly relieved to finally understand why she feels the way she does and so am I. She seems committed to getting help, and upon leaving the crisis unit will continue working with a therapist who specializes in DBT. She has also assured me again that she wants to work things out and attend couples therapy.

I just picked up Stop Walking On Eggshells and am excited to read it and learn about BPD, as well as learning techniques to help not only her, but myself.

My only concern is if I should even be doing all this. She says she wants to make things work and that she's fully committed to doing both individual and couples therapy. I really believe that she wants to do this and get well. But she was in another relationship for around a year and a half, he even moved and lived her for 7 months while she was working in another state.

I know that ultimately it's up to me to decide what's best for me, but I have no experience with anything like this. If she's willing to put in the work to get help and to heal our marriage, I'm willing to give her that chance. And I want to put in the work to better understand her and communicate. I'm just worried I am being naive.

Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated. And I'm sorry if I posted this in the wrong place.

Welcome to the group, sorry it takes a little time to get responses; I promise we're worth it though - I've been here five years, it definitely helps when you're caretaking a loved one with BPD. It's great news that she agreed to check in for help immediately, often that takes years - so you're in a good place with that. DBT is the "standard go-to" therapy, it's CBT with a few modifications by a high-functioning psychologist who has BPD herself to make it more acceptable to pwBPDs.

Personally if I were in your situation I'd be torn between "leave her" and "give her one more chance but this is the absolute absolute last chance" - the real danger is that a lot of people here get sucked in infinite times and keep going back for more.

BPDs do often suffer from hypersexuality, which is obviously no excuse for cheating, but does mean there's some kind of reasoning behind it - and as I said the fact she's immediately shame-faced, willing to go to DBT and willing to go to marriage counselling...the upside of giving her this one last chance is that she seems to be doing much better than the average BPD who gets caught.

The downside is that if you do ultimately part ways four months from now, she might have figured out a way to get your money, your reputation, your house, your relatives to hate you - and breaking it off then won't be as simple as breaking it off now. You need to be on your guard 110% definitely. It may also be worth pursuing a state-sanctioned divorce if it won't set her off, right now on the basis of the adultery, while assuring her you'll remarry her in 18 months if she's really improved, etc. I'm not sure of the mechanics of it all, but definitely think outside the box while protecting yourself.

I'm assuming there are no children involved at least?

Thank you, those words are very encouraging. I'm looking forward to learning more here. I'm already beginning to see some of the misteps I took in trying to "help" her.

It's going to be a long road, especially with the trust issues I have. But what you said and some of the success stories I read have given me hope that if we both put in 100% we have a shot.

No children, and not much concern for any of the other things you brought up in the last paragraph. I have a strong relationship with my family who had been supporting me. They know she has cheated, but not the extent. And while they don't yet know about her diagnosis or specifically why she went into the crisis unit, they are supportive of what I decide to do and are concerned for her.

While I call her my wife I should have mentioned that we aren't legally married. We've been together for 12 years and had a wedding but are not legally married, and that was a choice we both decided on. The only thing we have connected financially are the two cars, one of which is paid off. My father owns the house we live in so I don't think that should be an issue either. I think the only dispute really would come over our pets. But I will remain on guard and perhaps seek legal council just to be sure of these things.

She did have an emotional affair once early on in the relationship. That is another reason I am apprehensive. I worry that me giving her this last chance will ultimately be bad for her, as well. But I really do feel like she wants to get better. She's been at the crisis unit for exactly a week today. We talk on the phone multiple times a day (no visitors) and she tells me of all the things she's learning. She sounds relieved and excited even, at times. There is even a peer there who is a pwBPD who has been sharing coping tips and knowledge with her (books and personal experience).

As I said, if she's willing to put in the effort then so am I. I thought perhaps her continuing therapy could be a condition for us to keep trying. Do you think this would have any negative impact on her desire to seek help?

Hey Learning.  Sorry you're going through this and all the confusion it brings.

It is encouraging that your wife is dedicated to therapy and working through this, but the decision ultimately lies with you on how to proceed.  You bought the correct 1st book and you'll find a lot of answers there, a lot of great next steps to navigate how you're feeling and why things have played out this way so far.

As Pearls said, its not that common for someone to get a diagnosis and immediately want to jump into therapy.  Usually there's phases of denial, confusion, anger, resistance, etc. before reaching acceptance.  Don't be shocked if she changes her mind frequently on that as this diagnosis weighs on her.

If I were in your position, I'd try the therapy.  You'll read in the Eggshells book that you also need to put up some boundaries though, and you need to stick to them like a line in the sand.  Only you can decide what those are.

Thanks Pook, I think I definitely want to at least try therapy. I have an individual appointment set up for 3/28 and the people she is with now are arranging her outpatient care. She has also asked them to assist with finding us a couples therapist.

I think the reason she is so ready to accept it is because she's known for years something was off, she just never knew what it was. She's sought out help before and it would would seem to help initially, but then fade after awhile. She's been diagnosed with depression and adhd in the past. For many years she appeared to be improving, but it turns out this was just wishful thinking on my part. She feels relieved now to know why she feels the way she does, and so am I.

I have started learning about boundaries and have been making a list to come up with things that are useful. I feel like I have some good ones that are reasonable. My only concern is the follow-up. I'm now realizing (through reading) that I have an avoidant attachment style and will be working on that with my therapist. But currently it makes it hard for me to come up with ideas for consequences. As you said, only I can decide what the boundaries and consequences are, but do you (or anyone else) have any examples of some you've used in the past? My worry is that I will say/do something that is counterproductive.

As you define the boundaries, I think the consequences will come pretty naturally since they're what a normal person should/would do in a normal situation.  For example, if I just randomly start yelling at you, maybe you start yelling back.  But then we're both being jerks and nothing gets solved.  The correct boundary in that situation is to try to diffuse the situation calmly, and if you can't then you walk away for a period of time.  Or another might be that if she continues to contact a romantic interest, you'll be sleeping in a different bedroom (or a different home).

Although your spouse is "sick", she needs to learn to respect your boundaries and to treat you the way she wants to be treated.  Again, only you can define those boundaries.  I'd just warn that she will push back because you're changing both your and her behavior.  It will get worse in some aspects before it gets better.  But the sooner you stand by your boundaries and make it crystal clear that you're not going to get walked on, the sooner the real healing can begin.

One quick story a therapist shared with me when we were talking to him about walking on eggshells and our BPD daughter (both my wife and daughter have BPD).  I brought up an example of going out for the day to shop, and telling the kids if they behaved, we'd stop at McDonalds for burgers and milkshakes.  And every time, my youngest daughter would be a complete angel.  Yet the older sister would push every possible button throughout the day and have my wife/I beside ourselves by the time we were ready to eat.

So I said to the therapist- am I supposed to punish the good kid by skipping McDonalds?  That's not fair at all.  And his reply was, "Nope, you bring the entire family to McDonalds, you order for your wife and your good daughter, then you sit at the table closest to the playground and the three of you eat your meal in front of the bad kid.  The bad kid gets water only.  Then you let the good kid play on the playground as long as she wants while the bad kid watches."

We tried that once, and on my gosh...my BPD daughter made us absolutely miserable the rest of the day, endlessly complaining about how horrible we were and how much she hated us.  I honestly felt like I was punished more than the kid was.  But a few weeks later, when we went to Costco on a Saturday and McDonalds was an option for good behavior, the BPD kid actually made an effort to be a team player with the family...so she ate and played.  The third time, she was horrible and got nothing once again...and that was the last time we had this particular issue.

From then on, she'd either behave, or she'd insist on not going with us shopping to begin with (because she knew she was in a bad mood and was going to get in trouble).  But either way, she knew we had drawn a line in the sand and we were going to stand by it.  Hopefully that helps a bit.

Update: The two of us have had some really productive talks today. This is the first day in two weeks that I haven't felt anxious/depressed all day. She is also having a better day and more confident about feeling safe when she leaves the crisis unit (monday-wednesday).

I've only been here a short time, but this community has already helped me so much. From the resources here to connecting with people who really understand the disease. It has given me the hope I was lacking and allowed me to better understand not only her, but myself. It's not even been 24 hours since I stumbled my way in here, but thank you for everything. I'm looking forward to continuing to learn and grow. And I have hopes that one day, perhaps, I can add a post to "Sucess Stories."

That does help, thank you. I will keep working on my avoidance issues. My mindset is still in the "her needs before yours" setting. It's time for that to change. I've already discussed setting up boundaries and she seems open to it, though I'm sure there will be issues.

I've been reading Eggshells and she definitely seems to have conventional BPD. She NEVER expresses anger except in the most extreme cases, and even then it is timid.

She also seems to understand (somewhat) as she has a father who we now both believe has undiagnosed BPD. She had to set boundaries with him a few years ago and while they still have an awkward relationship, it has improved.

Obviously a term I've never searched out on this site, lol

(https://i.ibb.co/TqP1Wrj/image.png)

Hey Learning2023, just want to add my welcome to the others here -- glad you found us.

Your situation does sound positive, with your W open to her diagnosis and interested in treatment. You also being open to therapy, and learning more about better communication strategies, is a good thing.

To add a bit to the discussion about boundaries -- not sure if you've seen these links yet, but check out our "Tools" article on Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries) for a good intro on how boundaries aren't ultimatums, but rather, are based on our core values. A helpful workshop/discussion on that topic is in our Boundaries and Values (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0) thread in our  Tools and Skills (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0) section. Let us know your thoughts on those articles/threads here -- happy to keep the discussion and learning going!

Another thought that comes to mind for you and your W is this: You guys didn't get to where you are overnight. You have a long-term relationship (over a decade) with long-term habits and dynamics.  Keeping a realistic, long-term mindset about her (and your) healing process will help you guys make it through the inevitable challenges that lie ahead. This isn't to "be a downer" but rather, hopefully, to help you both stay strong and know that yes, there will be rough patches coming -- but that doesn't mean "therapy isn't working" or "couples counseling doesn't work for us" or "she isn't getting better" or "the tools don't work". It just means -- that is part of recovery, and it's going to be a long haul, so don't lose hope when the hard times hit. Hard times aren't "proof" that "this will never work", they're information for you both to take in as you make changes and decide on priorities.

Be hopeful, and also be realistic about the pace and duration (and possible outcomes) of the process. Sometimes BPD relationships are described as "emotional special needs" relationships. What this means is that recovery may not turn your W into "a normal person". Recovery may look like her having more tools and skills to manage her brain wiring and perceptions, yet she may still struggle with that wiring and perceptions for the rest of her life and your relationship. We wouldn't expect a permanently paralyzed spouse to "finally get up and walk" if she just worked hard enough for long enough. Yet it's very possible to have a meaningful and committed relationship with a person with a physical disability, while accepting "that's a limitation my spouse has". It might be the same with BPD -- treatment may be more about her learning healthier ways to manage perception/wiring issues that may stay with her the rest of her life. Yet if you both can accept that and have realistic expectations about her abilities (and your abilities), yes, it can be possible to have a worthwhile relationship.

Hope that's helpful food for thought, and again, welcome to the group;

kells76

Thank you Kells, I will definitely check out those sections soon. I'm taking a break on learning for a day or two. I think I overwhelmed/overworked myself when I initially found this group, because of my initial excitement. As you said, it's all a process and too much at once is never a good thing.

And I can definitely temper expectations. I understand this is something we could be dealing with the rest of our lives. I have discussed some boundaries with her already and the only one that is an absolute deal breaker is any further cheating, of any kind.

I am trying to remain optimistic, though it has been quite hard due to the severity of the betrayal I feel. I'm hoping some of that will lessen once we start therapy, but I know it's most likely going to get worse before it gets better. I'm trying to hang in there though.