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This morning as I was having coffee and writing in my journal, as I have for most of the last 2.5 years, trying to make sense of what happened and why I'm still missing her and ruminating, I began thinking about a video I saw on YouTube that characterized the main problem when recovering from a relationship with a BPD/covert narcissist- which as I learn more and more, are very similar- as rumination and confusion.

Confusion and the rumination over it is killing me. It takes up a huge amount of my waking hours. I keep trying and trying to make some sort of sense of it, but it doesn't work.

The therapists on YouTube talk about this, and say it's quite common with BPD/covert narcissist relationship recover. I know I've never experienced anything like this at all. It's almost debilitating.

So I started writing down things that confuse me, things I can't understand. Here's a small sample:

Did she love me or hate me?
Does she want me to do things with her or is she evading me?
Is she really 'busy'? And how has she become so much more busy after the first 5 months?
Does she mean the things she says when she's 'mad'? PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ty businessman, PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ty driver, PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ty writer, worthless in a grocery store, a child...
When she says she loves me, does that mean she doesn't really believe all those things she called me in the last couple weeks/months?
Why does she say I don't 'prioritize our relationship' when I would do anything for her? And she ignores my calls/texts and doesn't invite ME to events and weekends away with her friends? Doesn't even tell me about them? Then tries to evade me when I ask innocent questions about what she's up to?
Is she really too busy to answer a text or call? Why has that changed all of a sudden?
Am I needy and controlling when I ask her why she doesn't communicate, when in the first 5 months it was everyday, multiple times a day?
Is my business really stupid and I'm deluded?
Are my friends and clients really losers and pompous asses? Maybe I'm too blind to see that?
Didn't I tell her I'd call her when I was done with event that night? Didn't I say it three times? How can she think that we were supposed to eat together when I told her that I'd call her after I ate with my clients?

The confusion goes on and on...a hallmark of being in these relationships.

TBS the rumination is no joke and something I have struggled with mightily.

I recently learned a technique to stop ruminating in this video, that I thought was genius, and it has really helped me. Maybe it will help you: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7U9DGeT8OPw

Thank you for sharing this. I'll check it out.

I'm a very logical person. Also very kind and thoughtful to my friends and acquaintances. I have a great memory, I try hard to be there for the people close to me.

I'm none of this? My therapist says I'm all that. My friends say I'm all that.

So, so confusing.

We will never be able to make sense of it, and we can start to get a little OCD about this. I think it is because on some level we wonder, “What if they’re right about me?” We fear that their accusations might be true, and maybe we’re just fooling everyone else.

The solution is just to refuse to give the thoughts any oxygen at all — to completely refuse to engage with them.

Ruminating came from a cow chewing its cud. Essentially what happened is your brain was re-wired to continually ponder the past. Your Cluster B person brainwashed you with a fantasy that never left your subconscious even while they were slowly devaluing you up to the discard moment. The biggest thing that stays around in our brains is "why"? Disordered people rarely give honest explanations, or any kind of satisfying closure when they discard an intimate partner. Us semi normal folks are not programmed to understand the sudden 180 shift, and it can literally cause a form of CPTSD. My ex of almost one year just texted out of the blue that she met someone special and wanted space, and that we were never close. I shot myself in the foot by trying to get that explanation and closure a month later, and she used the contact attempt to start a distortion/smear campaign on me which ended with a one year protection order that is the main reason I ruminated so long. The one thing you just have to drill into your scrambled brain is your person is "mentally ill", that doesn't excuse them from hurting you, but it just shows that trying to be in a relationship with someone like that is just not worth it. I don't care how beautiful, great in bed etc etc. They don't deserve anything but being in long term therapy.

Thank you so much. That captures exactly how I feel. Scrambled brain, and 'why, why, why?'

No explanation, no closure. Just a phone call-40 minutes of harsh, harsh put-downs and lies about what 'happened' and 'what I said'- lies about things from over a year before, out of the blue and related to nothing-yelling, and cutting me off.

2 year relationship, where I'd spent holidays with her family, gone to her sons school presentations and theater shows...ended with a phone call.

I have never contacted her since. The language and put-downs were so harsh and mean that I could never get myself to do it, even though I was dying and in so much pain. The person that caused this pain will not be the one to help me recover.

I understand why you reached out, just trying to get some closure and explanation, and I was afraid of the VERY thing that happened to you- her telling some lie about me harassing her or stalking her. She would absolutely do that.

Sounds like you're maybe still pining for her, and you're trying to figure it all out, in the hope that she'll love you or something? I think, you might never know every detail, because a lot of stuff is impossible to be so sure of, but if you strongly believe she is like that, you can infer, based on the disorders what is most likely, since these habit patterns are very similar, to the point of predictability.

I've been lost in hypotheticals myself lately, and when there is so much distrust (like with my Covert Narcissist Dad), it's hard to discern the truth. I tend to try to figure out what is most likely, accept some things I will never know, and try to let it go.

One thing that helps me with rumination, is to journal out the feeling under the rumination, since obsessive thoughts are often fueled by feelings. Another thing is, once you've exhausted your thought process on it, and you feel stuck, one thing you can do is note the thoughts as useful or not useful as they arise in the mind. Sometimes I also note "pass", when a non useful thought arises in the mind. The non judgmental tone of the noting, makes it more likely that the thought will pass, as getting upset about thought processes can help perpetuate them. Lastly, some light distraction onto a task can help, if I am really in a pinch. If you can get the mind on another topic, then you're at least not fueling the same thought processes.

Thank you for this. I like that idea of going for the FEELING that lies underneath the rumination. That's very helpful.

It's an idea I've been getting to over the last few months...as I wonder why the hell my brain is doing this. I'm exhausted, I can't think straight.

What is the rumination attempting to protect me from? What would happen if I didn't understand her behavior? What happens if I ruminate enough to 'prove' to myself that she's abusive/treated me poorly/I didn't deserve this. THEN what?

These are things I'm beginning to explore.

Thanks again.

  Most qualified psychiatric professionals will say rumination is an essential part of the post break up healing process. The worst thing you can do is deny everything that happened good, or bad and bury it. That's probably how your disordered ex handles things, you are
better than that.
Ruminating helps get your thoughts out in the open, it becomes a more serious problem though when it starts to affect your daily life i.e. work, sleep etc.

Totally agree that rumination has it's place, depends when and how much, how useful and repetitive it is. Also, some rumination is still linked to feelings, which may or may not be rational. I know when I have a fear, I try to gauge how likely it is to happen, and that can reduce or increase the rumination.

Some of my most insightful thoughts are from naturally letting rumination play out, at rest. Like you, think about something for a while, let it go, to live life, and then you're laying there, the mind is just spinning about it and boom, the answers come to you.