BPDFamily.com

I broke up with the uexbpd nearly a month ago.  Today was the first day that reality has truly set in.  What hits me hard the most is our happy moments when everything was in sync and she was not deregulating her emotions.  She had a young son, about 2 years old and I have a 6 year and both of them bonded so well.  Today I'm feeling guilty because I was the one that choose to end it because of all the drama.  The one thing that has been helping me is that I google, "signs of a possessive and emotional abusive relationship" and most articles outline all of the red flags I missed, it almost brings me back to reality of how toxic this really was.
The more I read and become inform the better I feel so I have some questions perhaps people can help me find answers to:
1.  There was so many empty threats from her about ending the relationship, even about after 2 hours of being officially she threaten "this won't work if...".  I bet I heard over 3 dozen times over a period of 10 months about her ultimatums.  The one time my friend and I (long term college guy friend) wanted to plan a weekend guy's vacation.  She threaten that if I went "then that's it and it's over".  When I asked why she said "because I want to be the first person to take you to that country".  It seems to fall into the possessive abusive category.
2.  She was seeing a therapist and would disclose her discussions with me.  One thing she has always asked me to do is to relate other people's situation to things in her life so she could understand their feelings.  For instance, if I was having a stressful day at work because of a problem she would ask me to relate of how I am feeling to her life.  I would literally have explain to her "let's say your at work and 5 people call off and your boss gives you a hefty workload, how would you feel".  She would then "understand" my feelings because its a feeling she has had before.
She could never relate or comfort me when I was sick, she just couldn't understand how and why I was feeling that way.  One time I had a really bad headache on vacation and needed to get medicine, her response was "why can't you be just like normal people you have to ruin everything".
That incident was the turning point that something was definitely wrong, she couldn't feel compassion for others without someone explaining it to her.  Is this a sign of bpd or just emotional immaturity or something more serious.
I really appreciate everyone's honest opinion on this because it really helps me through these hard times, the reality checks. helps me put that wall up that prevents me from entertaining the idea of going back.

Short answer? Yes. :hug:

We had a single recycle before we had kids, and my bad for not taking that out... and she still wanted to be friends because she needed me. I guess I needed her, much to my chagrin.

After we had two kids and the stress of a mature relationship was there (and here I question... shouldn't it be stressful?), i remember trying to talk to her about some past childhood issues on my side, and we'd been together for 4 years, and she literally threw up her hands walking out of the room and, said "I don't want to hear it, too negative!"

I thought to myself, "she's not a safe person." This was even though I'd been accused of being a bad communicator. I knew her entire family and extended family lore: who abused whom, who cheated...

The first major  red-flag I apprehended was after I moved on with her and she was pissed off that I'd use the timer on the dryer rather than the moisture setting. From age 12 to 37 when I moved in with her, I'd used laundromats, and my mom and I were homeless or quasi homeless in my teens. Yet she said, "don't do things that you know will piss me off!" Like doing my own laundry?

She tried to send me to a couples' communication class by myself. I was lured into couples' therapy a few years later after 2 kids and she had found her beau (whom she later split black and divorced... ignoring my warnings) where she abandoned me to get "fixed" just as my BPD mother did when I was 12.

Man, woman, either gay or straight, shouldn't put up with such abuses.

Therapies seem like a hot topic for BPD's.  My ex told me early in the relationship that she believes in going to therapy to help the relationship, however in the end it was all my fault and I was the one who needs to go to therapy.

Lack of empathy or compassion is not a sign of BPD, (usually pwBPD have hyper-empathy, except perhaps when they are splitting), but it is a sign of narcissistic personality disorder, anti-social personal disorder, psychopathy and Autism Spectrum Disorder. In the UK they even have a term for it: Empathy Deficiency Disorder.

Very young children experience empathy and can show compassion, so it wouldn’t be due to emotional immaturity.

Its ironic that you mentioned autism, she told me she has a learning disability however she never disclosed what it is.  ExBPD seems to understand how her actions affect people, she has admitted that she says very nasty things to people.  I held onto this relationship way too long because I thought with her seeing a therapist and being self aware was a step forward...I just couldn't do the splitting anymore along with the abuse.