BPDFamily.com

First time posting I’m new to this i’m looking for some advice on how to move forward, and to understand  So we were dating for almost 2 years and out of the blue she said she broke up with me which I didn’t even know until I saw  her post  pictures with an other person so I blew up on her like an unhealthy person (which I’m working on ) then she block me for a good month or 2 but between those months, she unblocked me, then blocked me again since I was doing no contact with her and I was working on myself or at least trying to work on myself then  last week on Saturday she unblock me contacted me accusing me of taking $1000 out of her account which I didn’t then started telling me she love me she will always love me until the day she dies and that she miss me and are conversations and that she cares for me she wanted to be friends.this made me feel paranoid that she’s going to use me which set me off which made me feeling like  I hit ground zero again I just want to understand how a bpd can throw you away then to just come back again
I hope this makes sense I’m not the best at writing

This is a common case of splitting, black and white thinking.  One day your the hero and the next its a villain, its pretty sad to be in that mindset.  If it helps you your ex can't help it and it hurts her too.

Thank you

Your welcome, I've been in your situation before, one day your put on a pedestal and the next the rug is taken out from under you.

It’s really suck specially, when you have codependency issues but all I can do is working on myself and hope for the best for her

I have been involved with an emotionally unstable partner for 3.5 years that splits on me for varying lengths of time.  I love him very much, and I continue to encourage him to get help, but I also have to be able to accept that he cannot control the splitting and will not be able to control it without DBT, though my support and awareness is helpful.   Communicating and spending time with him takes strength, imagination, insight, and our own unique dynamic and history.  I understand that without treatment he might never be able to have a relationship that is not interrupted with splitting, and I have to use my experience, strength and hope to make informed decisions, and set boundaries about allowing and wanting him to be in my life. Another person with BPD-- I probably would not make the effort and would have left/given up a long time ago--any relationship will evolve and continue to evolve, or not, dependent on unique dynamics.

I dated someone with NPD for several months, and despite a strong chemistry and mutual interests and connection, ultimately decided the relationship or even a friendship was not right or healthy for me, and I chose to go no contact with him.

From what I gather, people with bpd traits compartmentalized former lovers.  This is why they tend to monkey branch and have rebound relationships (possibly cheating) because it is their way of moving on from current or very recent relationships.  Which generally leaves the normal victim heartbroken and shocked.  Due to this common bpd pattern, after going no contact for some time, their memories of you may come back strong.    It's like they develop some kind of amnesia of all the good you've done for them(splitting), while only seeing and thinking of the negative about you (in this case, you blowing up) and then some time passes and they now remember the good times about you.  Thus, calling you back and telling them their feelings about missing you.  Which leaves a normal person confused.  

I'd continue to stay no contact if you have no ties.   It's time to move on.   If she is truly bpd, don't let her charm you.   Because if you somehow come back to her, thr new idealization phase will be short and thr negative splitting will be much worst and you're in the same boat again except much worst circumstance.

Hey cap1987,


Is she diagnosed with BPD? What BPD traits does she have a pattern with? A pattern described here and depending on her back story could be a history of  unstable r/s's.

She blamed you for the 1000 dollars to give a reason for herself to contact you.

It sounds like this new r/s may not be working out and she's looking for an exit strategy.

What do you want?

So I want to point something out here that is important. Your reaction is not necessarily unhealthy. Do not give yourself such a hard time about that. How you describe things you reacted how many would and it is relatable and understandable. That doesn't mean that I encourage it or condone it. Just the point that in stressful one off situations if you lost your S :cursing: it is human to do so and we are all imperfect. The difference is when you get abusive and physical, if you did not well then my friend this makes you normal, not necessarily unhealthy. Now if you are always flying off the handle well then this is also a different discussion...that would be unhealthy.

The most important take away here though is to be kind to YOU and cut yourself some slack okay?

Please take care of yourself and continue to engage and vent as much as you need to.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Attachment is natural on both sides. When my ex broke up with me the first time, she still wanted to be friends and offered to let me stay in her apartment/bedroom/bed until I got a place. We shared a 2 bedroom with a roommate.

Years later on the 2nd and final Breakup, even with her conducting an affair (not an affair since we weren't married and she broken up with me) living in my house with our baby and toddler, she still wanted to be friends.

You need to define the parameters of any future relationship, not her as she will through the lens of BPD attachment and stunted sense of empathy for you.

Last week, Mommy was on a call with my kids and she said "Love you S13! Love you Turkish!" We were on speakerphone. I had fun with it. "Mommy said she loves me!" She did it due to not paying attention, i think, since she hasn't made that mistake in 9 years since she moved out. She told the kids and me, "I've always told the kids that I'll have a love for you since you gave me the children." I believe what she said is true, as she feels that way, and feelings are true regardless of whether we agree with them.

Yet she used to say the same thing to me when she was living with us and conducting her r/s with her Beau and neglecting our kids by being out all hours and acting like a teen mom. I was minorly triggered, but mostly amused putting her on the defensive.

You need to define the parameters of contact.