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So things have been a little better in general since we returned from our trip. I don't know what the reason is, but I feel like he has suddenly been making more of an effort as far as wanting to take care of himself and the house. It has been a hard 3 months since our december blowout, and our house just looks awful. We haven't been able to get the house together since we moved, and he has just never been good at picking up after himself. And since I've been so bummed I haven't really either. But I just decided I can't live like this anymore, and I started to pick one room to clean each day and I think something caught on with him, because he has also been suddenly cleaning more, he is cooking for both of us out of nowhere, and this week he asked if he could join me in my workouts, and he actually followed through. I've felt less resentful this week than I have in a while, and I actually just really enjoyed his company when we would hang out. I'm still struggling with feeling any real attraction since I've taken a hard look at everything and I just feel like his mother and his nurse, but this is a step in the right direction. But honestly it also makes me more anxious, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But for his sake I do want to believe that he is capable of taking care of himself, and can make some changes that are going to last. What I find more concerning is, I've been waiting to see those changes for so long, and now that they're actually happening, I just don't feel much. I'm worried it just took too long. I'm worried we're just too late for all this. We just aren't, like, romantic with each other anymore. He feels more like a good friend, but even then one that can be verbally abusive when he's upset, so how good of a friend is he? But that has been better over the last few months too. I'm caught between feeling guilty that I don't feel more in love with him than I do right now, and foolish for staying in this relationship with someone who has made very little effort for years, and my excuse is "well he hasn't yelled directly at me about something he doesn't like about me in months". I think through all of this, I'm finding I don't really know how to feel about me. I'm going to continue to try to process how I feel about everything, there's no rush on trying to figure this out. I'm the kind of person who just likes to make a decision and move forward, and it's hard to be in this situation where I don't feel like there is a good decision, and there may never be a truly good decision. I am proud of him for the work he is doing though, and I hope he keeps it up.

So my therapist is magic and I love her. We talked today about how a lot of these major issues with my now diagnosed BPDh started after we first started working together a few years back, because of an incident in my view where he had an emotional affair with my best friend at the time (we no longer speak for that reason), and I’ve never really had any resolution about it, we just don’t talk about it anymore. I think maybe part of me doesn’t know how to forgive that. So now that he does seem to be doing better and trying, subconsciously  part of me is just like “who cares, you already ruined this”. And she mentioned how I am getting healthier and dealing with my own traumas, and I’m setting up healthier boundaries with others, and I’m having trouble reconciling this marriage with all the boundary violations I’ve experienced. It’s like the veil has been lifted. Even though I have no idea how I fix this, or if this is even fixable at least I have my bearings in this mess. Even with all the crap, I think it’s worth delving into this (when I feel prepared) with my husband to see if we can get some resolution. For now it gives me something to work on on my own while he continues to do his own work, and maybe we can both get to a point that we can deal with it, who knows, but at least it’s some direction. I feel like my posts lately have been pretty stream of consciousness so I apologize if it’s not super helpful to others. But I will say, man if you don’t have one yet, get yourself a therapist who sticks with you.it takes time but the insight you get is life changing.

I’ve been stuck in the same mindset lately of maybe this is too little too late. Not that my ubpdh is doing much of anything to help himself, even though he’s claimed over and over that he wants to.

I kind of feel that as I get healthier emotionally, he and I will just naturally drift apart. Then it will be game on for him in whether or not he wants to make improvements of his own or leave. Unless of course I have enough and leave first, which could be a very real possibility.