BPDFamily.com

I hope this is the right place to post. I apologize if it isn’t.

I have been best friends with a girl for over two years. We hung out all the time. Things were well. She caught feelings while I maintained distance and was clear I did not have the same.

In december of this year she went through my phone and contacted one of my friends from work that she barely knew and was texting her about how she loved me and she needed this friend to talk me into dating her. She did this after I told her I was going to go out on a date with someone else. Anyway, I got mad, she went into panic  mode and disappeared a while. She went to her “best friend” and basically told her every terrible thing I had ever done, showed her texts of when I was mad and calling her dishonest, complicating my life, etc.  :help:She claimed after the fact she was upset but would defend me to the friend when she would talk bad about me. After a month or so we are back to being good friends and hanging out like normal. I should mention there was a sexual component there.

So fast forward a few months. We have distanced due to everything but still in close contact. We were still having occasional sex. We start talking about how we are distant and she admits she has been having sex with someone for a few months…in the same time frames that we have had sex. She even lied to cancel plans with me to have sex with him, and she purposely set up sex times with him knowing they’d be times I wouldn’t be around. This becomes another big blowout and I say some awful and hurtful things. However, I also realized that while she was gone I also had feelings for her (why the big blowout about her sneaking around to have sex). I confess them. This doesn’t go well. We remain in contact, but on her terms, distant, and her “best friend” hating me and she wants to come back to me but needs to find a way to “fit me in” to her life. However, the “I love you” are on both sides.

She started acting in ways I havent known her to act. Going out with friends all the time, getting high, and just overall different. I confront her about this and it is when she tells me she has bpd. I google around and buy some books to learn more and I want to support her. I realize I was her “favorite person.”

She again becomes distanced and I received an email stating she went through my phone and read parts of conversations Ive had with other girls (who I DO NOT have anything going on with AT ALL) and picked out parts and said it is unacceptable dishonesty and she has blocked me and that she will reach out when she is ready and for me to not make any attempts if I “want anything in the future.”

I have not always been perfect, but she picked out pieces that do not show an accurate portrayal of conversations. I do not know if this was on purpose or if she just ran out of time looking at my phone to read everything.

Basically, I am new to trying to understand bpd. Is she gone forever?  Will she be back?  How do I respond if she does come back? I am questioning myself and rereading conversations I had to find out what could be there. I’m driving myself crazy. Like I said, I’m no saint, but I did not do the things she is accusing me of.

Can anyone relate or help me?

It seems the two of you had different expectations of the relationship. You were interested in casual sex, while she wanted to be your girlfriend. As she withdrew somewhat from you, you became more interested in her.

Knowing what you have recently learned about BPD, do you want her as your girlfriend? Or would you like to resume your relationship as a casual sex partner?

Hi,

It was more than casual sex, but I can see how it came off that way. I was not looking to be in a relationship after a bad breakup a few years back. And I was VERY clear about that and did not waver.

And yes, I am interested in pursuing a relationship with her. To be honest, I took her for granted and thought she would be there when I was ready to move forward. It took her leaving for me to realize the time is now. That’s what I meant when I said I was no saint.

Are you ready to accept the totality of what being in a relationship with a BPD partner involves?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Many people arriving here have the mistaken belief that BPD “will go away” when someone is in a committed caring relationship. Sadly, that is not true. It tends to be a lifelong disorder unless someone is committed to years of intensive therapy.

I think keeping sex casual with anyone, BPD or not, is generally not possible. Some people do it, and there are many resources that suggest it might in fact be easier if someone is homosexual, but I think we are wired scientifically and biologically to become attached if we are attracted to someone, even more so if we are also friends and have a deeper connection. 

      Whatever you had with her was toxic, that's
something you have to accept. If she has been
properly diagnosed she will need years of therapy to
ever be capable of having a healthy relationship with
anyone in her life.
Ask yourself one question "do I want to try to
have an adult relationship with a woman with the emotional maturity of a toddler?"
A lot of us have been down this road, you get stuck in the  "it was so good in the beginning, why can't it go back to that?" mental rumination loop. All because you started ignoring all the clear "bridge is out ahead" danger signs that popped up while she was splitting and devaluing you during the relationship. Then eventually your car goes over the bridge and crashes when she splits you black (bad parent object other) and just leaves. Some of us had to learn this the hard way after the fact, and that makes it even more difficult of a road to healing and moving forward. My advice is determine what made you stick around with this mentally ill woman in the first place? If you have some of your own codependency issues, work on them so you don't make the same mistake of attracting a toxic person like this ever again. :)