BPDFamily.com

Hello to anyone who will read this. I’m a middle aged man a few years under 50. I am currently married but my wife hates me and says/does the most horrific things to me. I’m a very easy going person and a pleasing person who grew up in a very loving home and had an idyllic childhood. No trauma. I was good in school and excelled I. Sports and always had many friends. I currently have a good high paying job and have provided a great life to my 2 kids and wife (so I thought). My wife came on very strong 15 years ago when we met. It was an instant connection. She was in a long term relationship atvthe time and always called me expressing her unhappiness with this guy. They finally broke up and we started dating immediately. Looking back this was a red flag. I had no
Idea or history with mental illness. She told
Me right away that she suffered depression a few years back and was diagnosed with Bpd traits but it wasn’t confirmed (threatened self harm etc after a breakup in university). I thought nothing of it. She was quite charming and took so
Much interest in me.  I’m now living in hell and see no way out. She says she wants a divorce and she is going to ruin me and my reputation and take very thing I’m worth. Her words over the last 5 years are incomprehensible. It didn’t affect me for many years but now it does. I feel it’s ruined me. She’s physically hurt me countless times. Calls me down day after day in front of kids. Now they are starting to distance from me. They are so
Sick of the fighting. It’s gotten so bad a few times the police were involved. I’m learning to not defend or fight back. The injustice is killing me. She’s never happy. Ragefull almost 100percebt of the time. I don’t know how to get help. I can’t fathom another human can hate someone so deeply. She is smart and has a good
Job. Dependable. Lots of friends but she is a cruel
Monster to me. What do I do? Please help.

I really cant do or say much to help you other than to empathize and tell you that you arent alone.  I'm early 40s, married 12 years, with two little girls, and my wife hates me as well.  My wife is more the quiet, seething type, so I dont get the blow-ups and rage behavior or violence (thank goodness), but other than that, our stories are pretty similar.  same for me growing up - very loving and supportive traditional, two parent home, idyllic childhood, did well in school, got an engineering degree from a good school, and i'm currently a Marine officer.  i make a good living that provides a pretty (what I would consider to be) idyllic life for my family as well.  I'm tall, fit, and decent looking.  i'm pretty handy around the house and with vehicles.  my hobbies dont take my away from my family every weekend (I'm not a hunter or golfer), so i am home spending time with my little girls pretty much at any time I'm not working...I'm a very involved dad.  i'm personable, I have a good sense of humor, and by and large people in my life all seem to like me (i'm basing this solely on the fact that generally speaking, people act like they want to be around me).  i say all this not to brag or to sound arrogant, but simply because i HAVE to remind myself of my good qualities almost daily because my wife, despite all of this, absolutely detests me, and there is no logical reason why this should be, other than her mental illness.  it is absolutely psychologically devastating to be so hated by the one person that should love you and see all the good in you more than anyone else. 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.  you arent alone.   

Black Ice, you have a lot to work through and I sense a lot of internal conflict on what your best path forward is. There really just is no easy answer to everything you are struggling with right now, and I am truly sorry that you and your step children are experiencing all of this.


I had never heard of this condition before. Definitely going to do some research on it.

I have similar regrets. However, sometimes it takes time to fully come to terms with everything we are experiencing.  This can be especially true if we have a cloud of depression. I speak from experience when I say that depression can make it difficult to perform basic daily functions, let alone come to a major life decision like you were facing.

I think it is a safe assumption that there is way more to the story here on her part. She either called the cops on you because you were missing and she was hysterical; or because she started painting you as some sort of safety threat. The fact that the police were involved and she changed the locks, I am inclined to think she is viewing you as a threat for some reason.  This does seem like fairly erratic behavior indicating a major dysregulation. You say the argument was, "very mild." What was the argument about? What clues has she provided that cause her to suddenly make you a safety concern?

Talking to people about what you are experiencing is so helpful. I understand that you don't have a job. However, is there any way for you start working with a therapist, if you don't have one? Most of what you are going through will be resolved much more quickly and easily if you can discuss it with a trained professional.

Self-Care is going to be some of the most important work you can do right now. You will need to get yourself into a more rational headspace to be able to effectively work and navigate a complicated relationship.

Since you are locked out of the house, there is really no way for you to know what the dynamic has been at home. Most likely what is going on here, is the BPD standard tactics of blame shifting and projection. I have a feeling your leaving has caused your girl friend with BPD to act very erratically with her own children. She may be raging at them for any perceived slights no matter how small. Rather than own up to her own mistakes with the children she is blaming it all on you. That's where the blame shifting comes in. Since you have not seen any of the dynamic, it is difficult or impossible to make any accurate determinations here on what is really going on.

If possible, I strongly suggest finding a couple's or family therapist to use as a mediator to navigate all of this. This is a really complicated situation. The real losers here will definitely be the children if you are not able to find a path forward that keeps you and your family in the children's lives.

How old are these children? Certainly more than 9 years old.

It sounds like their biological father is completely out of the picture. Is there more to the puzzle there? Have you ever met him in custody handoffs or anything like that? Is he someone you can trust?

I think working with a trained professional to bring you all together in a mediated fashion is going to be your best approach to sort this out.

You will need to keep her in the picture since they are not legally your children. I'm by no means a legal expert on this stuff. However, I get the sense that all visitations would need to be agreed to with her. Any sort of communication or visitation should be well documented that she is consenting to it. In fact, be sure to keep track and try to document all of your communication. She has already gotten the police involved once for some reason. Therefore, you will need to tread very carefully.

It sounds like this has really escalated to the current situation for a little over a month. Three months after the initial breakup of my relationship, my therapist said to me, "It is too soon to see where everything is going with you two." That was about two years ago, and things have gotten better for me. However, the relationship has ended and I am co-parenting with my ex girlfriend with BPD. So believe me when I tell you things will improve for you. It just takes time and a lot of self-improvement.

If I was in your shoes, I would not be rushing to make any major decisions about your best path forward. If you are conflicted about continuing the relationship, then work in the direction that you want to save it, though. Otherwise, there will be no hope to do so later.

What is most important for you right now is to focus on self-care. You have to exercise, look for a job, get in therapy if you aren't already in it. Try and stay positive.