BPDFamily.com

Does anyone have experiences where their adult child cut off their relationship with them and eventually started a relationship with them again? We are going on three years. I send cards and letters maybe three times a year to keep a chance open for us.

Hi TrustinginJesus, welcome to the group  :hi:

You're in the right place to connect with other parents who are coping with a child cutting them off, which is a painful thing to endure.


While I don't have personal experience with having an adult child cutting me off and then reconnecting (the pwBPD in my life isn't an adult child), what I can share, for a little background info, is that I've realized over time that there are a lot of pwBPD in my life -- likely because the dynamics felt familiar to me. My best friend from HS has a mom with severe BPD. My T has suggested that my mom has traits. My H's kids' mom has many BPD traits/behaviors (as does her mom), my H has two sisters with different flavors of BPD traits, and his mom likely used to have more BPD traits in the past.

Way back when H and I got together, he and his mom weren't talking. They'd had a rocky relationship since he was an older teen, and from what I saw decades later, it had been off again/on again in terms of them connecting. H's then-W (his kids' mom) contributed to the distance (and has badmouthed H's folks to the kids, too). Anyway, H's mom's husband (his stepdad) would try to Rescue H's mom by writing to H and telling him to stop attacking. It was one big Drama Triangle mess. H's mom would, though, to her credit, try to stay involved with the kids, even though it was tense.

Over time, once H's kids' mom was no longer involved, and as H did want to have a positive relationship with his family, and as his mom got some treatment (not DBT as far as I know, but some other kind of counseling), and as both of them have belief systems where they value forgiveness and working through the past, and as H & his mom communicated directly (not going through others/enlisting rescuers), the relationship has made an incredible 180 and is really, really positive now. We spend time with his mom and stepdad every Christmas, have gone on long trips with them, and H calls her on the phone every few weeks. H and I have been able to share our frustrations with each other (his mom and stepdad still have some disordered bickering between them & she is still a high drama, high emotion person) instead of having those frustrations impact the family relationship. He is able to tell her when he disagrees with something she has said or done, and she is able to mostly stay calm and explain her position, and also understand how he feels.

All that to say -- yes, I have seen a parent/child relationship, impacted by BPD and a long term cutoff, be repaired and positive again.

I think some of the factors were:

-His mom maintained contact (letters, coming down to see the kids' activities) even if the contact was sometimes rocky

-They both shared values of forgiveness and talking things out openly

-He is older now and able to stay present to enjoy the positive with her, and not stick around or participate if she is too intense

-It's not extensive/excessive contact (not daily or weekly calls/visits), so (like above) we have a level of interaction that stays really positive and supportive. I think if we did longer/more visits, it'd be tougher -- she's just a really emotionally intense person. But I actually really like her and feel supported by her, and we get along incredibly well.

-We don't take their (H's stepdad is also a "big personality") emotional intensity personally

-We appreciate and interact with the positive stuff and about our shared values, and don't feel obligated to problem-solve for them about negative stuff

-H's kids' mom (uBPD) is no longer part of the drama -- so, I guess the takeaway is minimizing the involvement of other disordered people (though I know that's not necessarily practical for everyone)

...

While it's not a direct comparison, I hope that my story can bring you some hope. It's not a "forever" thing when there is a breach in the parent-adult child relationship. It sounds like you have a good sense of balanced contact, where you do keep sending those "feelers" out without it being overwhelming to your child or all about managing your own anxiety. I know three years is a long time -- it can get better.

One more idea to think through, is that sometimes keeping the contact "light" and positive can take pressure off of the relationship. Not saying you are doing this -- but some people think "oh, all my letters have to be about us reconnecting, and deep thoughts, and talking through emotions, for us to fix this". Sometimes that can be overwhelming and counterproductive (though each relationship is different). Keeping the contacts focused on positivity & neutral topics can help the adult child feel free and unpressured by the parent's feelings, and possibly more open to reconnecting.

...

Lots of food for thought. Keep us posted on how you've been doing -- hoping that you see some movement in a positive direction, even if it's "just" baby steps.

-kells76