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I think I am being psychologically abused by BPD wife - but I don’t think she realizes she is doing it.  Should I tell her she is doing it?  Would it even register with her (I wonder). 

Hi Chief Drizzt;

This is a good place to talk through the possibilities. One approach could be to start by thinking about what you hope would happen. Imagine coming up with the "perfect" words and phrases to express what you want to share with her. What would your hope be, for the ideal result?

After that, it could be helpful to think about various outcomes -- worst case scenario, most likely scenario, and best case scenario. What do those look like? What are the similarities and differences?

Maybe start there, and see what becomes more clear to you. What do you think?

kells76

My first inclination is that she would think I was attacking her which would blow up. I get your point though. I will think on it

How are you buying into her abuse? She can say whatever she wants; how are you responding to it?

I would say I simply don’t respond at all most of the time - sometimes I get agitated and let it be known but once that happens things can get scary if she doesn’t like what I’m saying. She’s not physically abusive but she will start saying things like she doesn’t want to live - or “I’m done,” - or “what’s the point of living.”  This messes with me big time as I had found a friend who shot himself in the head some years ago - which gives me nightmares to this day.  Any time suicide comes up I get stressed and she knows this - but continues to talk like that. 

Its pretty common. PwBPD often operate by hitting our trigger points to get a reaction. If they can drag you into a drama then your are joining them on the drama train, which up to that point is going on in their head. This gets it out of their head and validates it as a reality.
 
As you say trying to talk it over is seen as finger pointing and triggers their defenses and things just escalate giving rise to the drama they were itching for in the first place.

All you can do when you see the drama train coming is to let it pass by and keep on going until it runs out of steam

Very good points. I would say my wife is very good at doing this with me.  Seems like she knows how to push my buttons.  I’m in that situation right now - sometimes its hard to wait for the drama train to pass - but I’m at the point in my life that is about all I’m willing to do at this point.  Thanks for the insight.

This reminded me of an occasion early on in my learning, where Cat posted inviting us to share times we didn’t “take the bait”. My wife and I were in a shopping centre and I was holding my toddler’s reins and tons of shopping and other stuff when my wife suddenly commanded that I drop everything immediately so that the toddler could be whisked over to see a little train disappearing out of site. When I didn’t, dbpdw said, “toddler, I’m sorry you didn’t get to see the train because Mama didn’t want to let go of the reins…” I said absolutely nothing. And my wife let it go. I noted this could have been drama which went on all day, had I chosen to climb aboard that metaphorical train. Since then I’ve learnt that my silence speaks volumes in that I am not even entertaining the idea of defending or explaining my actions because it’s not worth my time and energy. It is “not buying into the drama”. I have almost eliminated my wife’s favourite question which used to be, “do you want to have sex with that person?” which she used to ask about anyone and everyone I spoke about. Eg. “I was chatting to the postman about his music, he was listening to Gregorian monks…” Her response: “do you want to have sex with him?” I have refused to enter into this discussion enough times that she rarely bothers with it, and when she does it’s very short lived.

Silence is Golden at times