BPDFamily.com

You know when you learned about BPD and you read about it and you knew it was one hell of a problem, but you still had faith in your partner? It was in the first years of the relationship, well after the honeymoon phase, but well into the stage where they try to normalize abusive behaviour...and you knew the importance of maintaining strong boundaries and you were aware how much you were enabling them because of your empathy/codependence issues...but you still hoped? After 3 years, his suicide attempt, cheating, we moved to a new country to have a fresh start. I was pregnant (not anymore), it really felt like a new start, but then things came out and we realised just how ill his soul is. He often feels nothing and most of the time, I feel like a parent of an angry child. He says he will now start treatment. Dbt, couples therapy, long morning walks, journaling, yoga...a proper holistic approach. But a part of me thinks that he will not be persistent enough. I am beyond burned out, but he barely sees it. Sexual intimacy is an issue, too. No reparation after causing emotional damage, this for me, is the worst part. As if he really doesn't have a clue how to do it. Of course, they cannot soothe themselves, let alone somebody else. I am fed up, tired and have to face the fact that I won't be having children in my life, because it is too late for me now...yes, I am starting to feel depressed, but I keep a little light shining inside me. It is burning on the 1% hope he will get better and 99% that I can and will get out. It feels like a betrayal although I know it is not. What a truly awful disease. It must be horrible to have it, but to be around it, it kills your joy for life. Loving me more than him is my lesson. He will have to figure out his. Just venting. My first post. Only you people know and understand what a relief this forum is. To know others are struggling with the same situation, feeling tired and alone. For what...for those few breadcrumbs of joy, when we ask nothing of them and they actually have a good day?

Hi hopeful and welcome,
Thank you for sharing your story. I feel your pain and I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. I was with my ex boyfriend for 14 years and he always refused to discuss having children with me because he didn’t want them. I was as stunned as anyone when I fell in love with bpdw and left him for her. I knew she was mentally ill. I needed to feel needed. She has given me 3 children through ivf. For them of course I am forever grateful, I am 15 years older than her and have women’s medical issues. I do fear for the children’s mental health at times, because of the way their mother behaves. The children are legally half mine, but biologically my wife’s, of course she believes she is by far the most important parent. She has split on me big time since birthing baby 3 last year. Everything I do or say gets criticised. She doesn’t feel wanted, loved, desired or supported. I found so much success when I first learnt all the tools on here to help me succeed in this relationship. My wife has already done dbt and considers herself “cured”. A recovery warrior there to support everyone. Everyone except me, because I don’t deserve it (she has even said this). Bpd is a vicious condition for sure. My wife was sexually abused through her childhood and told me she was damaged when she met me. It’s an awful thing, to hear someone say that. But he has messed with a little girl’s head, to the point that she can never see clearly. It’s his fault that she sees me as a threat. And I am starting to lose hope that she will ever get past this latest split (6 months). She tries to give me a chance. She wants to love me. But no matter what I do she always tells me I’ve ruined everything again. I still want to help her. But I don’t know if I can when she doesn’t think she needs help or indeed anything from me. Except money. She will always need my money.

Martyrdom is not an endless resource, there comes a point when it simply runs out and you simply are going through the motions due to a seemingly lack of options until you self destruct, once it becomes superficial and empty it fuels the issues rather than soothes them.

It is only you who know where these points on the curve are