BPDFamily.com

Hello,
I hope I'm posting to the right place.
My sister's adult daughter has a BPD diagnosis. I'll call her Jane.

Jane is in her mid-20s, and was diagnosed at 19. She has a very petulant presentation of BPD and her entire life centers on attention seeking and control. No job, lives in a subsidized apartment collecting a disability check and lives immersed in the Tiktok disability echo chamber. She's constantly carping, critical, disagreeable, and gives off the impression of being totally miserable, except that she enjoys being totally miserable a the same time, and it's obvious.

I guess the thing that brought me here was a need to express my frustration away from my sister and Jane. I'm at a place this week where I've honestly just had it with Jane's "special snowflake" routine. Please forgive me for using such a derogatory term, but I don't know another way to put it succinctly. Jane is just the special-est special-icious case of health woes and life adversity to ever have existed. No one has ever suffered as they have, no treatment works because she's different from every other BPD sufferer in human history and things that work for literally thousands of other people just won't work for her because she's unique, alone, misunderstood, and cosmically unlucky, doomed to suffer in desolation forever and ever. The blackest of black swans, the most unfortunate soul ever born.

Do I sound beyond burned out to you? I'm really not usually such a sarcastic, biting person, but Jane takes me from zero to judgy Karen in an instant. There's no room in our family for anyone else's plans or problems. Jane has everyone in orbit around them and is an expert at manipulating the narrative to suit their whims.

Jane feigns serious illnesses to get attention, avoid responsibility, and literally force the family under her control, and she's just so incredibly controlling over the most trivial things. It's just easier (and cheaper) to go along with the demands than it is to disagree, because Jane WILL take something as innocuous as where to go out for dinner and escalate it to the point where we need an ambulance or lawyer when she doesn't get her way.

I think what's bothering me the most at the moment is that there's no successful strategy to press Jane's mute button for a split second. I think the illness faking is rude, disrespectful to truly sick people, and embarrassingly immature, but it's obviously a pathological need, and I can view that with compassion. What I have run out of patience for is that there is no stopping point. Jane is addicted to TLC, has to have ALL the TLC, it has to be high-quality and expensive coddling or else, and there is never enough. She can literally be in the middle of a slurping in a sympathy and charity fix, and she'll be setting up the next big fat bs story to ensure the supply not only keeps going, but increases. I thought there had to be a time where we reached peak pity and coddling, but no. There's no end. Every episode has to have a juicier storyline, a bigger reward. We don't have time for this, and we certainly don't have money for this.

In the last 5 years, Jane has proclaimed to all and sundry that she's afflicted by: autism spectrum, ADHD, bipolar 2, schizoaffective, chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia, cluster headache, depression, PTSD, asthma, panic, epilepsy,  chiari malformation, ehlers-danlos, cerebral palsy, heart arrhythmia, neuropathy, POTS, rheumatoid arthritis, and now, drumroll please, dissociative identity disorder (DID) formerly known as multiple personalities, and ohhhhh are "they" enjoying this one. The one thing Jane denies is BPD.

That's not all of the conditions she claims to have, that's just what I remember off the top of my head. Various illnesses that should be lifelong, ever-present conditions (cerebral palsy) come and go.

Jane currently has 6 doctors and supposedly takes a med cocktail for these conditions. Unfortunately, none of the meds seem to help anything on the mental illness end despite there being antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, stimulants and sedatives in supply. Nothing slows down Jane's intensity, restlessness, anxiety, or obsessiveness. I highly suspect she taking anything but opiates for the "chronic pain". She had me help her unclog her toilet because it "hurt her carpal tunnel hands too much" to hold a plunger. I found a giant clump of toilet paper with half-dissolved caplets in it and what looked like pill bottle cotton. No human waste. It was a clean flush, aside from that big lump, so...yeah, I think those meds aren't going into Jane.

Having an ADHD and comorbid depression diagnosis and type 2 diabetes, myself, I once suggested that she might benefit from seeing one doctor for physical stuff and one psychiatrist for mental med managemen. That is what I do. If you really do have chronic illness, you need to cultivate a long-term relationship so your doctor can observe you over a long period of time and make very personalized suggestions. I said she should probably slim down that diagnostic profile a bit and check for whether meds were truly effective or interacting/canceling each other; perhaps some needed to be changed or dropped. The resulting tantrum from Jane that I dared suggest something sensible that applies to pretty much everyone was one of the worst she's thrown on my direction. I was called a hateful ableist, a traitor, and a faker myself. Then when I kicked her out of the room for being verbally abusive, I got a flood of tears and self-harm threats. Everything calmed right down when I said I was calling 911 for a harm threat. She became stern and lectured me. Why couldn't I just understand Jane's unique, especially tragic health situation? I must truly hate her, she said. I was just like everyone else, accusing them of lying. She said she pitied me for being such a hypocrite when I have mental concerns myself.

I have never openly accused Jane of lying, I've just set boundaries. One, it's pointless to contradict a delusional person, and two, I've known Jane long enough to never say anything that implies I'm even thinking of her negatively, because I get hounded relentlessly until I give in and (falsely) apologize for "bullying", aka setting reasonable boundaries. I just tell her that to get her to shut up.

I know I shouldn't make assumptions because I'm not a doctor, but I KNOW she's outright faking a lot of this stuff, especially the DID. She has spun such a dense web of lies and illnesses that she will lose track of what symptoms she should be showing, and they disappear. ADHD will suddenly transform into seizures, this allegedly autistic person will respond to very subtle social cues and say things like, "nobody can read a person like I can!" I observed her hobbling on crutches due to intense fibromyalgia and cerebral palsy walking problems, then 15 minutes later walked in on them playing Dance Dance Revolution with her equally faking girlfriend. "Alter personalities" have fake accents but don't actually speak a word of their alleged foreign language, there are nonhuman alters, glbtq alters who are different genders and orientations that have "queer riots" inside the mental environment and will "rape" or "kill" each other, and Jane will act this out in front of their mother and a whole grocery store full of onlookers, some of whom are so shocked or disgusted that they've made physical threats against Jane and my sister both. No one in the family cares about Jane's sexual orientation, but a lot of her rants accuse us all of homophobia, and now we're seeing dozens of gay, straight, male, female, and transmale/female alters. We live in a hick town in a deep red state, and are probably the only glbtq tolerant family for miles. I'm worried for everyone's safety and the way she's misrepresenting glbtq identity to these idiots we live with.

There's only one store left in town that Jane can enter anymore, she got herself and her mom throw out of all the other ones, and since she can't drive, she calls her mom randomly to take her shopping. Taking the bus or an Uber is out of the question because "they don't have the right accommodations" for all of Jane's fake disorders.

I've told my sister to stop enabling that crap and let Jane go hungry for a bit. It won't do her any harm and there's a McDonald's right next to her apartment anyhow. Jane won't go there usually because she's "lactose, gluten, and beef protein intoletant" (insert my eyeroll) but I maintain she's a big girl now and can accept the consequences of her shenanigans. I don't think there's any forbidden ingredients in a McSalad. My sister can't bring herself to hold firm when Jane starts threatening self-harm. I don't blame her, I'm not sure if I could do that with my kids.

Jane also has terrible "luck" with doctors because they're "ableist queerphobes" who are all terrible doctors, because the only treatment they advise is psychotherapy. Jane says she's "made to feel as if she's just making it all up." There have been more than 30 doctors in 5 years. I imagine more than one of them has called her out for malingering, and that's why she can't stay with any doctor long enough to establish real care.

Frankly, I think all Jane has is BPD and compulsive malingering, or possibly factitious disorder (Munchausen's),  with sone of the common things that are comorbid with BPD. It's entirely possible that there's some ADHD or bipolar, because she's so energetic, jumps from thing to thing constantly, and gets easily hyperfixated. There might be psychosis from schizoaffective that comes and goes, due to the apparent voices in her head, paranoia, and delusions, but the rest of it? No. I don't buy it, and I'm tired of dealing with this behavior when it's being presented as real autism, real arthritis, etc. I want to just deal with it as confabulation and BPD drama. If there is psychosis, then damn it, let's go get and actually take the right meds. Let's exercise, go get some sunshine, talk to people honestly about the real things that are going on. Let's treat the underlying trauma. Let"s own up to feeling needy, empty, and afraid of being alone instead of insisting that she's got x, y, and z illness so we MUST take care of her with certain perks and toys. Couldn't we just do that? We're a tight family, or we were. Jane has driven off both of our brothers along with their wives and kids. She's horrible to her cousins, many of whom are still minors, and no one trusts her not to put them in danger. If Jane behaved herself, it's possible her uncles might do small errands for her, but the only reliable thing about her is that she'll misbehave and then lash out at anyone who tries to rein her in.

I think the plainest truth is that Jane is having a weird kind of fun and although the real mental illness(es) are destroying her credibility, prospects for a good future, and fatiguing everyone's compassion, she won't actually embrace treating the real problems, because she honestly doesn't want to get better. Jane loves to talk about how brave she is for living each day with so many diseases, but I think she's kidding herself. She isn't brave or heroic. She's petrified of having to be a self-sufficient adult and is making up excuses to get away with refusing to grow up. It's understandable. Fear of success can be every bit as bad as fear of failure, but courage is facing fear, not using everyone around you as a human shield and expecting to be rolled through life in a mink-lined pram.

I'm sorry this is so super long, and to wrap up, I want to explain that over the years, I've tried to set good boundaries with Jane and just meet her where she's at mentally, but at this moment in life, it's at such an out of control state that it's causing huge problems. My sister is in the midst of trying to find a new apartment closer to her work, she had her car give out on her, and just like everyone else in today's world is struggling hard financially.  I've been spending extra time at her house getting things painted and cleaned while she works 2 jobs in order to afford the higher rent of living closer into town and the down payment for another car. This means I run into Jane's drama daily now. She seems 100% determined to ruin this moving process by any means necessary. She's starting to claim that one of her alters "hates and wants to punish mom", so every time the kid walks in the door, I get the feeling I need to make sure nothing accidenta-purposefully gets set on fire. I don't have time to sit and listen to a litany of woes that I know aren't even real. If she thinks I'm ignoring her, everything just escalates and I have to stop and play parent when I need to ckean and pack. I've got a small farm of my own that needs attention and animals that need care. And here comes Jane, the neediest needer who ever needed, and she throws a fit when I explain I'm going home now because my cow needs me. She started crying because I love a cow more than I love her, and that she wishes my barn would burn down with the cow and I in it.

After the cow atercation I told my sister I only want to work on her house if Jane stays away. This puts terrible stress on my sister, and I feel guilty for that, but...I. Have. Had. It. I'm disgusted that she can't even stop sabotaging her mother getting a little help with a difficult move. That she's jealous of a cow. That she tells random strangers that she has 50 people living in her head and one of them wants to run around naked. That she can't be satisfied with JUST HAVING BPD, which is terrible enough all alone. There's never enough for poor pitiful deprived Jane. Faling, lying, selfish, childish, manipulative Jane. She's insatiable, and I'm fried, and I can't do this anymore.

As I said before I have impulsivity of my own to deal with, and if I didn't get this put of me here, I'd let it loose on Jane, which would result in some kind of disaster. Besides which, BPD really is bad enough on its own. Jane is a sick person underneath the outrageous behavior, and I won't abuse a sick person, even one that abuses others. But my goodness, I've never wanted to verbally abuse anyone like I do her right this moment. It'll pass. I need to get a grip. If you made it this far, thanks for allowing me space to vent. I really appreciate it.








 

Hi Toadstool. Welcome and I am glad you were able to vent here. You are clearly at a point where you need some space from Jane.

Which brings me to the question of how much time do you spend with her? She has her own place to live, so I'm wondering if she is constantly contacting you (something our bpd kids are renowned for!). Is it that she spoils family gatherings (another thing that probably nearly everyone who posts here will recognise!)

Thinking about your post for a while, my mind focused on just a couple of things. One is that you have a lot on your plate already with ADHD and comorbid depression. You might be someone who really deals with a great deal, and no one really understands how much you have to deal with. I wonder if you are close to your sister and your strong reaction is partly due to the fact that you feel her dd is being so unfair to her?

You say:
Do I sound beyond burned out to you? I'm really not usually such a sarcastic, biting person, but Jane takes me from zero to judgy Karen in an instant.

Yes you do sound burned out to me. Having said that however, the attention seeking of the BPD person can be irritating beyond belief.

Which brings me to my dd. I can see that everyone she is in contact with is annoyed by her attention seeking in all it's forms. They can all see it - but she can't see that they can see it.

Because my dd LOOKS okay, her peers say she hasn't got a mental illness at all; it's all put on for attention seeking; she is just a bad person  . . . . . on it goes.

And that's the difficulty. Nearly all the behaviour your describe is what BPD IS. You don't mention huge anger issues and if you don't see that then you are very fortunate. People with BPD were and are treated as attention seeking twits, impossible to relate to etc.

And I will be the first to say how difficult it is to relate to bpd - my dd is impossible to relate to. I wonder if your niece also has hystrionic personality disorder in addition to bpd. I am pretty sure my dd has, although the bpd symptoms are much stronger now.

It's really good to be able to vent and to get things out of your head. The next move is to step back from the situation to see how you can manage your response so that it doesn't have a negative effect on your own health and well being.

Would some counselling be helpful for you? Perhaps limit the times you meet with your niece? In the long run I think to just change how we think about the behaviour of others is important. We can 'let go' the thoughts, let go of feeling responsible for 'putting someone right' etc.

I hope you will post again with some ways that you can think of to protect yourself from the intense response you have to your niece's behaviour.