BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I am struggling with a breakup from ex (37f who I suspect has bpd) exactly 2 months ago and basically no contact for the last 5-6 weeks. I am blocked which I think is ultimately a good thing but I’m finding it hard to move on. I was on cloud 9 for most of our 6 months together. I keep blaming myself because she left me because I forgot to cook dinner. She said it was a trigger for her and it’s basically the same as me having an affair. The day before she sent me pictures of engagement rings she liked out of the blue. . I say suspect bpd but I’m not 100% sure. It would help me if I could figure out what exactly is wrong with her.  She has told me the following about her past but never told me of any mental illnesses:

- care giver role to family with mental disorders
- Mother with bipolar
- Sister with bipolar/anxiety
- Brother committed suicide
- Her dad was very harsh and hard on her
- went to boarding school (ballet school) and was raped and witnessed a suicide
- her ex partner was abusive and she has trauma from 15 years of domestic violence
- her kids left her for the dad
- she is hypersexual
- I always had to reassure her
- Very low self esteem

I am actually hurting a lot. Not sure why I can’t shake it off

Give yourself time... time for your heart to catch up with your head.  You know there were deep historical issues with her, ones she hadn't dealt with sufficiently in her two decades of adulthood.

Also, unless you've spoken with her children and their father you have no idea whether the children chose wrongly.  With her history, it's very likely she painted (projected) her ex as the one abusive for 15 years and the bad father and so of course her perception (or her way to save face) is that he was able to get the children to choose him over her.

I recall the time, when life got very distressing and it turned out soon thereafter we separated and divorced, that she exclaimed she felt like a prostitute.  What did I silently say to myself?  She wouldn't make money as a prostitute.  All I wanted was a normal intimate marriage and she couldn't or wouldn't even do that.

My ex too was damaged in her youth, doesn't matter whether by internal or external issues.  I couldn't fix that, neither can you.  With BPD - which is most evident the closer a relationship - you're too close to "help" her.  One book I read years ago (Get Me Out of Here - My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder) was an account by a woman after she recovered from BPD.  She acknowledged that one major factor in her recovery was that her therapist stayed strictly emotionally neutral, not even a handshake.  She did get a hug once but it was after years of therapy and only when she was discharged from her last session.  Page 425: "It was the first and only time we ever had physical contact." You've been in a close emotional relationship and she simply cannot truly listen to you, there's too much emotional baggage there.  Maybe an experienced therapist could help her but odds are she would be resistant to meaningful help.

Without independent corroboration you can't know which of her claims were accurate or which were embellished feelings.  That her youth was dysfunctional is more or less apparent.

Some here would even remark that you missed years of chaos, demands and manipulation.  On many of these boards you will read stories how many members here got married and/or had children and it made exiting the adult relationship so much harder.  Some are still married and in long term distress because they had children together and the disordered spouse threatened calamity if they ended the adult relationship so they could be better parents.

Give it time.  Let your heart catch up.  Let Go with a lesson learned and Move On.

I agree with Forever, there are a few things there that could point to BPD, but nowhere near enough for us to even make a guess.  Whatever happened though, going from engagement ring pics to breaking up over not cooking dinner within a 24 hour period is serious cause for concern.

My advice?  Give her space while focusing on yourself.  Go to a park or catch a movie, hang out with friends and family, maybe hit the gym or go for a long walk.  Focus on yourself, get moving, and you'll get through this regardless of the outcome.

Good luck friend and welcome to the forum!  Feel free to ask questions or vent away whenever you feel like it.