BPDFamily.com

Hello - my daughter was diagnosed with BPD aged 15 - now she is 30.  We have been through so much, like most of you.  My husband and I are exhausted.  We have paid for a LOT of DBT Therapy (she even worked in a DBT Center as an Intake Coordinator), medicines, retreats - you name it.  She lived with us after college and while she was in Grad School and we had to ask her to leave.  She was awful to live with and of course did not accept any responsibility. We framed it as "we are holding you back - you need to learn how to live apart from us, pay your own bills and take care of yourself".  She reframed that to all of our relatives and friends as us kicking her out and my husband being abusive.  She lies constantly and then doubles down as if she believes her own lies.  She has not one friend right now.  A year and a half ago she lost a friend in a tragic drowning accident (she wasn't there but inserted herself in the drama) and blames us for not supporting her (we didn't know him very well and had no idea they were so close).  She blames us for everything...

Most recently, she asked me to not be friends with someone because she felt exposed and was not safe.  I am a super responsible HR Manager with dear friends and great relationships and I am so annoyed and irritated that she thinks she can control who I am friend with.  I have asked for space before I revisit this request, because I frankly need it. 

I don't see a path forward at all. It's never going to be different.  She has ruined countless Holidays, family trips and events and although I love her dearly, where do I go from here?  I have read all the books,  attended numerous workshops and  classes - even trained and taught some classes for NAMI.  It's never going to change...

Hi Mann,

So yeah, that is a really, really tough one.  

First off, then, let me say welcome to the family here. You will get a lot of good advice and support that comes with ZERO judgement.

I have a daughter who is bi-polar (which is not the same as BPD, I know, but has similar challenges). I too went through a stage where every single outing ending in some kind of massive drama.  No contact with a child is touchy, right? On the one hand, if our children don't get the help they need, we become drained to the point that sometimes we can't function. At least that is how it felt to me on some level.

I often wonder what the difference between "no contact" and "setting a firm boundary" that may feel like an ultimatum is?  Certainly, in setting the boundaries I set, my daughter took it as a ultimatum. Sometimes I beat myself up as say I could have done better. Other times I remember that I tried everything. Does that resonate on some level?

Are you in a position to set a boundary that can be firmly adhered to by you?  At least that puts the onus on her to treat you the way you would like to be treated. Sometimes I fear that going "no contact" with my daughter (and believe me, I have thought about it) would send the wrong message to her - in my case that I have given up on her.  Setting a boundary, at least in my situation, is at least my attempt to ask her to step up in some way.

In the end, I'm not sure that I am any further ahead. But I thought that I might share these thoughts. Maybe they will help you process  your own situation in your own way. There's no "one size fits all".

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

Hi Mann. I've been thinking over your post quite a lot and have to say that I often yearn for all this to be 'over' in some way. It is just so demanding, exhausting - so many words I could use but I am sure they still don't convey what it is like dealing with a loved bpd child.

Going 'no contact' feels like a great relief: freedom from the lies, the demands and in my case the verbal abuse. When there have been times of no contact, however, I have found that dd is still on my mind and most of the time I am really anxious about her. She is often in risky situations and could easily be in serious trouble.

A paediatric psychiatrist told me years ago the they symptoms of BPD can lessen in the 30-40 years decade and I have noticed that this is the case for a couple of people I know with the condition. Not so my dd though she is early in this decade.

You haven't said how much contact you have with your dd currently and what form that takes eg lots of texts, phone conversations, visits etc. I see that she doesn't live with you. Does she manage living by herself ie manage finances, the upkeep of a place, job etc? My dd is low functioning and unable to do any of these things.

I think all these factors are important when you are looking at 'no contact'. I think 'no contact' is one way of becoming free from the awful pressures we are under and the feeling that this will never end.

I think there are other options that go some way towards the end of achieving this 'freedom' however. It involves not cutting off, but taking control of the contact that you do have, and also the way you respond to all that a bpd person can throw at you, whether it is lies, abuse, manipulation, demands for money or what choices you make.

Cutting off contact is an option you will always have. But if you step back and look at what is happening now, you might see ways of putting up boundaries around your needs that will give you some degree of freedom while still maintaining some level of contact.

For me it has meant letting go of any sort of input into dd's life. I don't respond to criticism or abuse: I try not to engage in any intense emotional encounters: I try to keep my mind on things that interest me and just deal with the issues dd confronts me with when they occur.

It is not the best of lives that's for sure. But I do feel a freedom within it now because I am not being drawn into the emotional turmoil of BPD.

You have done all that you can - and more! I hope you can find the right way for you to find the space you need to nurture yourself now.

Hello Mann,

I certainly empathize with you. My 26 year old DD and I have had no contact for 4 months. I do think about her daily. I miss her at times; especially when I'm reminded of something fun we did. I figure that my responsibility as her father is to occasionally let her know that I'm here and open to a relationship when she's ready, but my boundaries are still firm. I did try to reach out recently and nearly lost a finger from her vicious response (figuratively speaking). She's not ready, so we'll stay in this mode until whenever - maybe forever.

It is sad, but at the same time my life is so much more peaceful. There aren't any ugly surprises when I arrive home, my heart doesn't drop if her name appears on caller-id, I don't wonder what mood she might be in, and I sleep well every night.

I'm reminded daily of something a therapist once told me: Peace does not mean the absence of pain.

Hi Mann, you’re right. It’s never going to change. I sent you a private message. Click on pvt mail in green bar if you’d like to talk more. You can read my old posts by clicking on my name.

The gist, from one of my earliest posts: “Seeing several anecdotes here on this board over the past few days with people still dealing with adult children in their 30s and 40s, I realized how important it is to force these adult children to be responsible for themselves as early as possible. I recognize and have felt the tremendous guilt involved in doing this, but realize now that I'm actually doing my son a disservice by continuing to help him. I also recognize that the only thing keeping most people from ending their help of the person with BPD is that guilt and the fear that the person with BPD will kill themselves, resulting in more guilt (and grief from loss). I'm to the point where I recognize all of this as manipulation and am now refusing to continue to be manipulated by it, even if that means the end results is my son's suicide. I can see now that this will continue until I put a stop to it by discontinuing my help. Will in-patient treatment, therapy, etc. etc. keep these folks alive? Yes, probably. But it will also keep them in this state for the rest of their lives until their enablers, whether that be parents, other relatives, spouses, friends, or therapists, say "enough," my life and the lives of the rest of the family are worth the same as yours and just because you're supposedly in pain does not mean that you have the right to ruin all of our lives.”

I agree with Leaf56.

I can relate to this post so much. I’m sorry to see you all going through these things and my heart hurts for everyone. It’s so hard. I’m new here and just reading through some post but it’s comforting to see there are others struggling. I’ve found myself over the past year or so feeling like I’m the crazy one. Just know you are not alone.

   
        I simply must reply to this thread with my personal observation, it seems we all are raising the same adult child.
           At present I am retreating, but my adult child is always on my mind. Every holiday has been ruined, every special occasion. The verbal abuse along with curse words that would make a truck driver blush has gotten worse, I noticed that the color of her eyes seem to  change along with facial change when she splits. I am serious folks .My once  upon a time sweet loving delicate  little girl is not in there any more . I just received a long three page text which I will not respond back to describing why I am such a horrid parent. There was one part which I did share with my hubby, after reading, we both howled with laughter , in it she described that we never took an interest in her life .We were total helicopter parents, we took too much interest in her life. This overly pampered adult child ( which I must remind myself is mentally ill) is not going to ruin what is left of my days here on this planet.  Someone mentioned at least twice on the forum that it gets easier or better as they get older,,,,nay, nay,... My mother in law had this illness. I met her when she was in  her 50's . I was told her actions back then was because she was going through the change of life, it was her hormones   Uhhhh no. I soon found out , too late   I was married to the family by then,,, her sisters informed me , nope she was like this way before menopause. No name for all of the misery she caused so many , people were actually afraid of her when she acted out. We avoided her most of the time. . And truthfully, If I knew way back then, what I know now it would have been a game changer for having children with this DNA. This woman , my mother in law acted the same till she passed at 82,,,  It is genetic , I found out mother in law's father also had this.