BPDFamily.com

Hi there, I have never posted on the “detaching” forum before, but I have read posts and posted on the other forums here. For the first time I am truly contemplating divorce from my BPDh. I am terrified, I don’t want to but I also know I can’t live any kind of life watching him do this anymore. So my question for those who took the step and went for divorce, how are you doing? Do you feel like it was right for you? Do you have regrets? How does life feel without them? I have a million other questions but I think those are the most pressing right now. Thank you for any responses, I’m just trying to wrap my head around all this for the first time. Not going to do anything for a bit but I also don’t want to back out like I always do and fall into miserable complacency until the next disaster.

My ex made the choice for me by going out with another man. Strangely, she'd have been fine living together double lives for who knows how long? That benefited her financially. It still took 4 months to get her out. We have 2 kids.

9 years later, I still kind of miss her sometimes, but more correctly the idea of her. Thinking back, I was depressed to the point of suicide ideation living with her. I was tired of dealing with her. We were only together 6 years. Kids were 1 and just turned 4 when she finally left.

It was devastating to me the first few weeks when we started a schedule when I didn't have the kids. I sat in my house alone the first nights and thought what the hell just happened? What did I do?

One upside is that utilities were a lot cheaper.

If I'd been smarter, I would have gotten a puppy or a kitteh for companionship. Not counting when my BPD mother lived with us with her worthless chihuahuas in 2017, I finally got Big Puppy in 2020. The kids love her and she loves them, and of course BP loves me. It helps.

Truly good. My ex made separation #2 long-distance in 2017, and the divorce was final at the end of 2019. There were more pandemic delays and drama, but we closed the file in 2021. My ex was hinting at suicide at various points and had one unsuccessful attempt when we were together. He had a formal diagnosis of a hot mess of BPD and NPD. We had a mutual therapist who did her all to get us through the years of over-the-top problems. It was a marriage of several decades.

Certainly, there are scars and moments of sadness. The divorce was an all-out war driven by my ex. His attorney died of COVID during closeout, and he tried to go pro se. He mostly leaves me alone now, but he desperately wants a relationship with our young adults, who have been no contact since the divorce. After four years of nothing from them, he still stalks them online and sends them cards about how much he loves them and wants to see them. He basically blew up their childhoods and has never owned up to that. We don't know how stable he is mentally now and have reason to believe that he is not.

I probably should have hired an attorney when the youngest turned 18, some months into separation, but that's my only regret. It took me a while to get that there was no chance of ever being able to get back together, but once I was firm on that, I held the line. I also hired a superstar attorney who frequently referred to Bill Eddy's work and told me to read everything I could get from him. He and his associate were truly amazing individuals and worth every penny I paid them.

It took me a while to embrace divorce.  I grew up with a single mother, didn't know my father, and was committed to never put my children in a situation anything like what I knew when I was growing up.

However...

After 25 years of my ex-wife's constant depression, anxiety, gaslighting, blame-shifting, emotional and financial abuse, and eventual affairs, it was like a light bulb turned on - and I suddenly realized that divorce, was, in fact, an excellent idea.

From a moment of clarity, I was able to proceed with confidence.  It took about 18 months from separation to final decree. 

About 18 months out from the decree, I sleep better.  I have reengaged with friends and family.  I spend more time doing things that matter to me, and less time walking on eggshells, capitulating, holding my breath, avoiding pointless conflict, or attempting to solve unsolvable riddles.

The big thing that holds many of us back is the kids...  in my case, I share 50-50 custody - parenting time and decision making - with my ex.  It's not easy, and parallel parenting is where it's at.  But I've been able to do a lot of great things with my kids that were never possible before, and I take some satisfaction in knowing that I now have the ability to be the best dad I can be, and to demonstrate better behavior and decision making.  Am I apprehensive about their mother's influence?  Hell yes.  Are there potential alienation and parentification behaviors in play?  Absolutely.  But there were also similar and equally toxic behaviors present before the divorce, and now I have a chance to counterbalance them.

Are there occasional "ghost limbs" where I feel the absence of some old familiar routine?  Yes.  However I don't mourn the loss of the prior relationship - I feel gratitude for the good things I experienced in that relationship, and I also feel enormous gratitude for a second chance and a fresh start on the next chapter.  I am focused on being the best parent I can be. 

I am only 8 months since I separated from my husband. He was only diagnosed with BPD after the separation as part of a court order in the fight for custody of our children. We were together for 20 years so I still have periods where I miss him so deeply it hurts, where I battle with guilt and self doubt wondering if I overreacted. I also have periods where I am just so very content sitting without the chaos and the unpredictibility that I find myself smiling thinking 'I did it!'. As time goes on I am finding that the times I am tearful and miss him are getting shorter and further apart as I come to term with being on my own. And the good moments are getting longer and happening more often - I see my wonderful friends and family, Ive had a number of calm easy holidays away with my children.
Its been a really hard battle (manly because of his family and the issue of child custody) but apart from that I am finally beginning to see who I am without feeling the constant weight of the burden of living with and being expected to care for someone with BPD.
I still look back and think many 'if only's' .. If only I knew that he had BPD then I could have helped fix him... if only I had left sooner... I only I had sort therapy for myself before getting to the point of complete numbness/emotionless.
I was so scared to be on my own and to destroy my family but I have come to realise that this is the better option.. especially for my children who now live in a calm environment.
I still am hopeful that one day I can be in a position to help him, not as his partner but as his friend however I am realising that this may not be possible.

Thanks to everyone for your responses. It does give me hope that there can be life after this, if I need to pursue divorce, which is seeming more likely by the day.

Yesterday my BPDh got angry because his Nintendo controller wasn't working. It escalated to the point that he kind of turned into this Mr. Hyde, he ripped the console out of the wall, told me he was going to throw the whole thing away. I think before this would have sent me into a panic, but I'm just so tapped out I didn't even really react. I was just like "that might not be a good idea", and he shouted "why not? the whole thing doesn't work if the controller is broken". A few hours later he got the controller to work and he played his game happily the rest of the day. This is a 37 year old adult, not a 6 year old. I'm just so done. I don't have any empathy left, especially since this is in the wake of his psychotic episode. We are back in the cycle and it sounds like we're going to be reactive and angry again. I need to conserve whatever energy I have left to protect myself and my dog. This isn't the life I expected to have, I want children, I want to be happy. There are so many things I want to do, and I don't want to spend hours per day sitting in the dark with my husband who needs to play video games with me sitting next to him so he can regulate. That's not my job.

I've been with my husband since a few months after my mother died, and that was almost 14 years ago now. I haven't had much peace, and I don't think I've been able to truly care for myself and grieve how my life has changed since that time. Yesterday was mother's day, and while my mother and I did not have a good relationship, I would imagine if she could see what I'm doing now she would probably be sad for me. I went running in the park yesterday and it felt amazing, I was able to feel my feelings, think what I want to think, and I realize how much I censor myself so I don't have to face the reality that this marriage is so incredibly toxic. I'm ready to feel this, even if it feels terrible. It's better than living in a haze of confusion. It will take time, and I need to have a plan. I'm getting away this coming weekend to spend time with good friends in the city I used to live in, and I'm going to tell them everything that's happening to get some perspective and support. I'm thankful to have good people in my life. Here's hoping I can make hard choices...

Well-said! I agree that the "counterbalancing" is so satisfying. I'm glad that I had an opportunity to provide that before mine took off.

Mine were in college locally when their dad left, but I somehow got that now was the time to be the parent they needed even though they barely talked to me at first. Without knowing what it was, I parallel-parented and left their relationship with him alone. He was many states away and indifferent, which was about how things had been with them for a long time. So they gave up on him after a year, particularly when I told them that I was ending all relationship discussions.

Despite juggling three jobs and going to the food bank, I planned fun things for us and kept life going. I didn't bad-mouth their father and let them draw their own conclusions. And they went no-contact when I went no-contact in the divorce and have remained so. I only told them the parts of the divorce that related to them, but they drew their own conclusions given the many visits to see my attorney and long phone calls.

When the oldest graduated, I said he could stay and pay rent, or he could get a condo near work and come visit when he wanted. He chose to stay. Then the younger one graduated, and I made the same offer. She stayed as well but is talking about getting an apartment in the same town. So we're all good.

Both have had therapy and are lovely young adults, very successful in their chosen fields. They have nothing to do with their father, completely their choice.

My take will probably be radical from others, but I would say it is the best thing that happened to me. My life got a lot less chaotic. Granted at the time it sucked. Hell it hurt something fierce. However, the further I became removed from it the happier I got. No regrets whatsoever.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-