BPDFamily.com

Hi guys,

Fairly new here so hopefully someone can reach out or just listen. My un exBPDgf broke up with me 8 weeks ago, NC since then.. I’ve done a lot of research and she definitely has traits of BPD and cPTSD. I’m finding it really hard not to blame myself for the breakup. She was everything I could have always wanted and I have been completely discarded. I’m struggling with what could’ve been because she was absolutely beautiful and had A LOT of family money. I miss the sex, the chemistry, the intimacy, her kindness. I don’t miss the random outbursts but I feel like I really screwed up by not being more aware of trauma and BPD. I’m in so much pain.

Hey there SurvivalGuy,

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Believe me, a lot of us have been in the same boat. I'm about 8 months out and when I was where you are, well, I was going through many of the same things and feelings. Sometimes now I still go down the road of "what if's" and "I should have". But I will tell you this: It really is NOT your job to be a detective or therapist for your partner in a relationship. Your partner is the one who is the expert on themselves and it is their job to tell you about trauma / BPD or whatever their issues are and how it impacts them. If they never did that, how can you put the blame on yourself for not knowing how to help. If I had know my ex had BPD, CPTSD, and/or Disorganized Attachment, I would have responded to them in a completely different way. If they had talked to me about things like dissociation and splitting, explained what they were and how I could help when they went into those states, well, I would have done all that I could to support her. Sadly, she did not, and for a long time I thought like you; that I should have seen it, I should have known. But the truth is that someone did know, she did and it really is up to each person to communicate their needs to the person they are in a relationship with. In the future, if I run into these patterns, I'll probably have a much better idea of what they mean but not knowing about them without ever experiencing them before is not my fault, or your fault.

I don't know if this helps, but the person your ex is most likely really angry at is herself. She is most likely projecting that anger onto you. It's not really you who was not "there" for her, it is herself who was not there for her. If she had been, she would have clearly communicated to you what her issues and needs were rather than expect you to play the role of the perfect parent she never had.

Finally, I will tell you that I can relate to how tough this kind of breakup can be. It's like nothing I've ever experienced before and I'm still going through it (with the help of friends, family, and a great therapist). But it really does get better.

Take advantage of this site and reach out for advice or just to vent anytime!

It’s really not your fault at all, you can’t save someone from themselves. Even the most knowledgeable of us can find it almost damned near impossible to work with them in an intimate relationship. The only way it can ever work is if they get themselves consistent help.

Thanks for the reply guys. I’m all over the place with how I feel. I honestly don’t how I can get through this. I’m 3 weeks into anti depressants. I just don’t understand a lot of the things that happened. Like the day before she blew up because I didn’t cook dinner she sent me pictures of engagement rings out of the blue. I broke down after the fight because she said she needed to move out for a while and that me not cooking dinner broke a piece of her and things will never be the same. I regret not giving her space. She blocked me and hasn’t reached out once. If she cared so much about our relationship, how can she throw it all away and not even reach out once.

Sorry you feel so confused, hurt and degraded by her discard. I feel similarly to how some people have treated me recently.

I think of it like a child or a teen, how they are whimsical, and will move onto the next thing, when it doesn’t suite them anymore. The way you loved her is not the way she loved you. Give your heart time to adapt, feel how you feel, and show yourself mercy.

There is hope, because you can heal, it’s not always easy. Sorry you’re struggling, hope you feel better.