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My girlfriend is diagnosed with bpd. She’s going to therapy but hates it and isn’t getting much out of it anymore. I’ve been told one of her therapists thinks she won’t get anything out of it since she doesn’t want to be there so obviously.

She’s been in episodes (she hates when I call it that) on and off for a while but mostly on. She got in this one about 3 weeks ago. She’s relapsed with alcohol and has been drinking every day. We recently moved in together with a roommate but we have separate rooms. She hates being around me, she has apathy level 100, and she’s not even upset she’s in this episode. She doesn’t care and would be fine if it never ended. She’s not going to stop drinking until she feels like it (I don’t drink and I don’t want to be with her if she’s drinking for life but I understand relapse and I’m not against them at all. To be clear I have never drunk, I do not have a substance abuse disorder).

She thinks I’m stupid for wanting to be with her and if we weren’t stuck in a lease until April, I’m quite sure she would have tried to break up with me. I say tried because we have an agreement (that she hates but did agree to earlier) that we won’t break up until she is out of any episode because she might not want to later. Every single thing I do pisses her off, she hates that I’m patient and understanding, that I’m more logical, and that I’m so good for her.

I have taken classes on addiction, family connections for bpd, Al-anon for a time, I’ve read books and I know pretty well how to deal with her. But it’s so PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ing hard and I feel like my grip is loosening. She’s not the most affectionate person when she’s out of an episode but I know without a doubt in my mind that she loves me and we have so much fun together. She’s family to me and I can see us being together for a long time.

I guess I wanted to share because I want to hear others’ opinions. Am I stupid for wanting to keep trying even though it’s so hard? If I wait it out will it get better? Can she get better without wanting to get better?

I really appreciate anything you have to say. Thank you

Not sure if it is hopeless but it's a difficult situation with an unknown outcome. It's not stupid to want to try but you can decide it's not in your best interest to do that.

I don't know how much time you spent in Alanon, but if you didn't give it the full try, I think it is worthwhile- not because it will change your partner. We are not able to change anyone else. However, what you will learn about yourself and the personal changes you can make for your own emotional growth are worth the investment - if you take the mindset that you are going to Alanon for you, not for her, and to understand why you were vulnerable to such a relationship, and how you can gain better relationship skills.

You could move out if it is affordable but it may be that you are needing to stay there until April at least. Through Alanon and counseling, you may learn how to cope with this situation, how to back off trying to change your partner's drinking or manage her feelings and how to manage your own feelings during conflict and leave her feelings to her.

I have spent time in 12 step groups to help with managing a relationship with my BPD mother. She hasn't changed, but the information and emotional learning on my part have been valuable to me.

While you are uncertain about the future of your relationship, I caution you to not make any other long term or permanent ties to her such as marriage or baby. Especially if she's drinking- that might cause permanent harm to a baby. Even if she promises to not drink, you can't rely on that.