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The first date she told me she had some things to tell me but didn’t want to reveal what they were till later. Third date comes around and we are sitting in my kitchen and she goes “I think I can tell you those things now”

“My brother committed suicide 10 years ago”

I comforted her and gave her a cuddle.

Then she says “I was raped in high school”

I continued to comfort her.

I step away to get a drink out of the fridge.

Then she says “could you ever date a prostitute?”

I said “no way, absolutely not. Why were/are you a prositute?”

She goes quiet and very quietly says “no” and then starts crying.

It was to hard for me to fathom this because I simply couldn’t believe this wealthy (family wealth), highly educated, high functioning individual could possibly be a prostitute so I ignored it and continued to do so for the rest of the relationship. It played on my mind for the following 6 months of our relationship but I was too deep in love to ever bring it up again. I simply didn’t want to know the truth.

Now that I reflect it’s possible she was a prostitute at some point. I tell myself she was because it brings some sort of comfort in knowing that I dodged a bullet and solidifies my arm chair diagnosis of her having BPD.

That's sad. Seems likely, yes?

What other than this led to tough to believe that she had BPD?

Selling sex isn't a trait of BPD. I knew a mother, a friend of whom my mom hung out with and her kids my age, that did prostitution in her past. In retrospect, she didn't seem BPD to me. (Thanks to my BPD mother for over sharing!)

Whatever her past, it sounds like she was sharing her shame and was seeking validation and support.

Thanks for the reply.

The standard BPD diagnosis from the DSM5 are big key indications but she was also a quiet BPD so the raging part was more internalised. Not to say there wasn’t raging though.

indicators:

- absolute fear of abandonment. This was obvious for the first few months of our relationship. I always had to reassure her I wasn’t going to leave her. She also  spoke to my sister frequently about whether I would leave her, cheat on her, that I was too good for her.

- mirroring. She took on my personality very quickly at the start once she got to know me. She copied everything, from my life goals, my sense of humour to my mannerisms.

- she  Had to emotionally support her mother emotionally and raise her younger siblings from a very young age. Parentified.

- Things moved very quickly. I was idealised and her knight in shining armour. She played the victim and always spoke about abusive past relationships. I too became labeled as one of those abusers. I forgot to cook her dinner and smeared amongst all her friends as an abuser.

- hypersexual, feelings of emptiness, very low self esteem, wanting to die, witness to a suicide, raped at boarding school, bad relationship with father, her 2 daughters (13 and 11) left her for the abusive ex partner in another state.

- Constant trauma and hypervigilant.

I’m rattling on a bit but BPD seems to make sense. I haven’t included everything I experienced (you will see more in my previous posts) but my psychologist thinks BPD and NPD.

I've had 3 relationships with borderline women and one of them admitted to being a prostitute and using drugs in the past.   She had been in recovery for the drug use, sober for 12 years, but the BPD in her was still there, alive and kicking, despite her sobriety from drugs and alcohol.    I think working as a prostitute isn't confirmation by itself, but definitely increases the odds you are dealing with BPD or other mental illness, but not a definite sign.

I don't think it's possible to know if she was a prostitute or not or if she definitely has BPD. I think if you are looking for a reason to feel it's OK to move on, you have plenty of them without these reasons. This is a very emotionally unstable person. Your relationship was emotionally unstable with her. If you are seeking a relationship with a stable person who has a certain set of morals-  she isn't that person and you can't change her into that person. You can move on and seek out people who you think are the kind of person you want to be with.

I know it's hurtful when it felt like there was potential and you are wanting to see what is wrong with her to help you feel better but I don't think you will ever know more than you do now, and you know enough.

I think the important thing is that you analyze things enough to feel confident in your assessment of the disorder. So you can have appropriate anger. I find I can get so lost in analysis, and it can really overwhelm me and eat up your life if you let it. Don’t make her life your life, how she mistreated YOU is what matters.

But also some answers come to you slowly, some come from working through anger or other emotions. If I get way too much doubt after forgetting about it and feel like my emotions aren’t valid, then I reflect on it, just to the point of confidence and trust myself. It’s hard because when you’ve been been gaslight and manipulated then you’re prone to excessive doubt and it can wreck havoc.

The solution to excessive doubt it to focus on things you know. It’s a tough thing to balance. I remember some days getting so lost in doubt, that I’d doubt odd things like if the sky is blue, that’s how messed up the manipulations can make you. The easiest things to not doubt are simple things like that. I’ve read about how getting in touch with simple stuff like itching and hot and cold in the body can help with this, and it has for me.