BPDFamily.com

Been months now with no contact with only occasional single message indicating how much she hates me. This time I replied with validation of her feelings and telling her that I believe in her etc and asked to call as she is far less abusive when talking compared to texting where she writes horrible things. We talked for 3 hours and ended the conversation well. She almost became abusive but when I warned her about it she backed off. As I wasn’t blocked the next day I sent her a message saying thank you for talking to me last night. This resulted in a slew of awful messages that I can’t even repeat. I took some distance and replied with a voice message so she could hear that I was calm etc and it had no effect, suddenly abusive, calling me constantly and I told her I would call her tomorrow as she is clearly not in a good mood.

I understand it’s normal for a BPD to get back in touch (in the positive, seeking forgiveness etc) but what is the point of doing so just to lay blame, accuse me of gaslighting, manipulating etc? She says she has started therapy and at times it seems like that but it always starts off seemingly better at first and then it goes right back into the hole of BPD. I really don’t understand despite everything I have learned about BPD in the last few months. Grateful for any ideas/interpretations.   

The vibe I get from your recent interaction is that your W might be extra sensitive to feeling engulfed/overwhelmed, and also is very low skilled when it comes to communicating that feeling.

For example, a "generally normal" person might, after 1 hour on the phone, be able to say "well, this was a good conversation, but I need some time to think about it before we go on much more".

Your W may have been feeling pretty good in the moment -- in each moment -- through the 3 hours, but at the end perhaps started to feel overwhelmed, and, having poor/low skills at communicating feelings, became abusive in order to get her needs met (i.e. used getting abusive as a way to end the conversation that maybe had started to feel overwhelming).

She may have still not come back to baseline the next day, may still have been feeling overwhelmed/engulfed, so even a very normal message like "thank you for talking to me last night" wasn't something she had the tools to cope with. So, again, she may have sent the toxic messages as a low-skill way of getting more space for herself.

That doesn't make it okay, it's more of a theory as to why it seems like things can go really well and then she gets so hurtful to you.

I'm wondering what it'd be like for you to, for now, take the lead on "quitting while you're ahead" or "quitting while you're winning". What I mean by that is -- three hours is a long phone conversation for anyone! What would it be like for you to find a way to gently end the phone call a lot sooner, while everyone is still pretty regulated and positive? She probably doesn't have the skills or awareness to do that, so it may be up to you to be the leader there.

That could also give both of you a different experience -- where it's not her abusiveness that dictates how long a conversation goes on, it's a positive ending.

Just a theory -- would be interested in your perspective.


Did you end up making that call? How did it go?

Not at all a bad theory at all. She seemed to want to talk that long and even called back once but yes, I was able to say that I only have 4 hours before I have to go to work and she said good night which is better than many alternatives.

I sent her some replies but I am clearly blocked again so no further attempt to call. I have no doubt she will be in touch with me again soon but for now the ball is in her court. It may also be a reaction to me starting to establish this boundary but I am no expert.

A few months ago, she would set up a fake FB account in my name with compromising pics of me from years ago before I met her as way to blackmail me but I would not submit and instead got FB to take it dow each time. This time she set the account but didn’t post anything on it and she told me her therapist told her to delete all these things she of me so I am wondering if this means that she is actually getting help. When I was on the phone with her, she was calm the entire time and I did start to wonder if she is getting help.

I have never experienced anyone with BPD before (2-3 narcissists) but this disorder is fascinating on one hand and deeply disturbing on the other. However, I am trying my best to be the one who can weather the assaults as her own family certainly isn’t going to help and she has gone dark on all her friends. I am keeping the lines of communication open.

…and yes, you are correct that she is almost completely unaware of her emotions and less so in terms of how to handle them.

That is the norm. Hence why the alternative name is called EUPD as in Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. So perhaps take that approach and perspective. Her emotions will always be a wild card until she has been in something like DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) or CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) for a long consistent period of time. The reason for this is that she has to learn true coping strategies to battle the storm that brews inside her on a daily basis.

Since you want to fight the good fight my friend the most important thing you can do is to steel yourself and focus on YOU. Get used to being firm and indifferent. In saying that it sounds like you have to grasp on that in a sense since you are enforcing boundaries. Additionally, the hardest part is to have the thought in your head that respect trumps all and you will either be respected or you will walk away with your head held high. Keep in mind the act itself of walking away actually isn't the goal, but rather the threat or taking the steps to show that you do mean business.

Anyway, I will continue to follow along and I will leave you with that to process for now.

In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Thank you both, I agree with both of your thoughts and recommendations. When this all started to happen back in November, I almost lost myself being her caregiver and it was only with the help of family and close, lifelong friends that managed to find myself again. That is not something I wish to repeat again anytime soon. So instead, I have impost these boundaries and as I have read here, there will be resistance.

 

There can be a lot to unpack there.

"when I warned her about it she backed off" might feel like a boundary to you and a threat to her.

Sometimes what works is "I'm going to wind this down for now. Let's talk again tomorrow."

She may react the same way except she isn't feeling annihilated by a warning she doesn't have the strength of self to process.

It's a small thing, and might not make a difference. We can only try to not make things worse.

Thats an interesting point. I can see how it could be perceived as a threat. However, we continued talking for another hour after that warning which I think is better than shutting down the conversation entirely.

Anytime she reaches out, I am always trying to take the conversation to a phone call rather than writing as she is far less likely to be abusing on the phone and on texting its almost horrifying. The next day, when she was became this way, thats when I did as you suggested and said, I can tell you are not in a good mood, I will call you tomorrow. It was clear that no meaningful discussion was going to happen at that point.