BPDFamily.com

Hi, all. I found this site and figured I’d jump right in… so here we go.

I’m 46, 2 kids, and divorced for over 2 years. Not long after I split with the ex I met an incredible partner with common values, kids of her own, and a very intense romantic attraction. BPD was never really on the table early on, but there was definitely a pattern of self-destructive behaviors: heavy drinking, smoking, etc. Over a year or so, though, we worked through those in ways that felt healthy and constructive.

The last few months have been a whole different story. As we get closer to taking the next step and getting engaged/married, I started seeing some really scary outbursts, laden with lots of accusations and questions about my intentions that seemed to slide more into the paranoid realm than just the usual insecurity stuff. And with the growth in these false claims and accusations my anger has grown too. Nothing violent, but lots of yelling/insults/etc.

Fast forward a few months and she is now seeking IOP therapy for BPD, and honestly the diagnosis brings the whole puzzle together. She has a lot of insight into the condition and is diving headfirst into treatment.

That said, things are not easy when the attacks come. A peaceful day can quickly take a turn into my being told what a useless partner I am, how I don’t do anything, I reject her by not helping with something that was never communicated, etc. It’s maddening.

I know why this is happening now, but I am still struggling and failing to manage when the episodes come. I get so angry at the distortions of reality, gaslighting, lies, accusations that I completely lose my cool. Never in my life had I ever injured myself kicking an object across the room until the past month.

I love her. I see her putting in the work. The good times and the way we support and encourage each other are worth the work. I just keep coming up short and getting overcome with anger. Im working with a therapist as I have for the last 3 years and understand the concepts of managing my reaction, but I just keep failing where the rubber meets the road. So I guess I’m here looking for encouragement and strategies from people who have been there. I love her so much and know that I can do so much better as a partner. How have you guys managed to rein in the anger in conflict?

Welcome to the Fam.  :hi: Happy you found us, but truly sorry for the circumstances that led to you having to seek us out. Please continue to post, vent, and ask as many questions as you feel you need to or want to. Share as much as you want to. The point is...we are all fam here. Some of my team may chime in, but in addition to us staff the community here is very supportive and welcoming as well. You picked the right place to seek solace my friend.  |iiii

In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

I'm not familiar with IOP for people with borderline personality disorder. Dialectical behavior therapy seems to be the treatment du jour.

There's a book called High-Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzetti that might help you break down the relationship dynamics in a bit more detail. The book was apparently written for BPD/NPD couple dyads but the skills are helpful regardless of what's tripping your trigger.

Projection is pretty pronounced in pwBPD. This isn't someone with a stable sense of self. Some people say BPD means having no sense of self (splitting hairs, tbh). She's going to make sense of intense emotions by trying to locate the source of her feelings outwardly, and you are standing there for the taking. Doesn't mean you weren't part of the dynamic leading her to split or whatnot, it just means that 9/10 the fury is her talking to herself. Projection is a primitive coping mechanism.

In those moments she's also on a feelings bender and the chemistry of what happens in the brain makes it hard to think clearly. Some pwBPD don't remember details after being flooded.

What you could do is describe in advance when you're both at ground level what your plans are when things get heated. "I'm going to take a time out when I feel myself getting emotional. I'll give you a sign like this that I need to go for a walk and come back to baseline. The last thing I want is to make things worse when you're upset."

Some people can make a plan for how long the timeout will be.

You don't want to throw up your hands to imply you're done -- it has to be a genuine moment of "wait, I'm turning green here."

Also, it's probably not realistic to expect miracles overnight. Maybe 100 percent of the time you feel triggered. Then 80 percent. Then 60 percent. Then 30.

Curious if you see any small things helping in those moments. Sometimes it's like following a thread and going from there