BPDFamily.com

I've started to post so many times but always back out. My relationship is much too complicated/dysfunctional to give you every necessary detail but I'll try to give what I can. I'm educated and typically well-spoken, but I'm afraid this will be hard to follow.

I'll start with where we are now. The relationship cycle has just about consumed me and, at this point, she breaks up with me or we end up in a nearly physical altercation at least every other day. My girlfriend of 2 years has BPD, which I didn't know for sure until maybe January. We're both in our early 40s. We both have an addiction and that, I believe is the biggest contributor to our problems.

I know there is bad/evil in the world, but getting to know her and her past has catapulted me to a place of utter disbelief that people can be so cruel and how my sheltered emotions have survived this long with her. We are opposites in almost every way. She was raped/molested by a babysitter at age 3. And by her stepfather at a later age leading up to a hidden abortion at age 14. This is actually not the most heartbreaking part. Her mom, who never wanted her,kept the babysitter when his own mother warned her. She also allowed the stepfather to do what he did so she didn't have to. Nothing was done about it when my gf finally had the strength to come forward (because she didn't cry) but it caused enough of a stir that he had to leave the home. She then endured years of being called a husband-stealing whore and had no one to back her up. She found out very recently (I read the messages) that one of her brothers knew it happened and he never spoke up. She remembers the babysitter giving her brothers each a quarter to leave.

She has 4 kids. She allowed them to know her mother because she knew her mom would be good to the boys. She was more cautious with the girls. One troubled son went to live with grandma about the time we met. Her mom came after her for child support using a married name she had not gone by in 13 years at an address she knew was old. So my gf found out about the support when she was served for failure to pay after 6 months. Her youngest girl came to live with us 6 months in and recently went back to live with her dad after he got out of rehab...again.

The stress of all this has caused a downward spiral and has dragged me down as well. My entire life has become about trying to keep her from killing herself in some form. She won't eat most of the time, barely comes out of our bedroom. I can't keep taking the constant blame for everything in her life. She goes into these unsettling moods when she is the coldest, most destructive person. She distorts reality and makes accusations that she can't support. She has assaulted me on 3 occasions, with the police being called the 3rd time which is why I'm currently fighting an eviction.

Most sane people would've run away by now but my self-esteem is all but gone. She's like a drug. I've been chasing that girl I met, who gave me hope and accepted me for who I was when I had given up. But now she's the reason I cry everyday and can't leave the house for fear of what she will do or who I will be dealing with when I come back. She is waiting on a decision regarding her disability. Ive been waiting for this to see if she will get the help she needs as we have not had insurance.. I'm literally the only support she has left but my life is slipping away.Can anyone give me any hope or am I as much of an idiot as I think I am for still enduring this?

Hi Codependent,
I’m so sorry to hear about the issues you have been experiencing.  This is just to reassure you that you have come to the right place and there’s lots of support and resources.

From you have described it sounds like the relationship has unfortunately hit rock bottom like most relationships with BPD.

The description of your partners past abuse and her childhood trauma will make anyone who is codependent ( most of us survivors are) painfully stick it out to point of compromising your safety ( 3x physical abuse). No amount of past trauma gives anyone the right to hurt others even though they are unwell.
Your life matters. It sounds like she’s using her past trauma to exploit you, the FOG ( fear, obligation and guilt) is keeping you from making the right decisions.
The way I see it, and I may be biased ( I was married to male bpd for 10 years ) she survived her illness before you met her  2 years ago. The situation with lack of support for herself will revert back to where she was before you met her or she will get a new supply.
It does sound like the main issue for you is dealing with the rescuer complex and codependence and seeking professional help for addiction and possibly depression . Once you start working on your own issues, making a decision to leave will be easier.
If you are waiting for things to get better it usually gets worse and there’s enough reason to be more concerned about your safety.
When my ex knew I was getting ready to file for divorce he actually physically assaulted me and living with him for 6 months after the assault was the worst experience I have ever had. Please take care

Makes sense to me! I was the same when I arrived. Losing ourselves in these complex, high-conflict relationships creates a lot of adrenaline and dread and anxiety and stress. It gets hard to think.


This is pretty common. It's harder when the addiction is mind-altering but nevertheless many of us have some kind of addiction. It can be workaholism or perfectionism, which are probably the easier ones to slide by people.


This can be like crack to a codependent. We don't have to notice ourselves, something much more urgent is there for distraction.



Maybe the abuse is different. However, you are both likely to have exceptionally high needs for validation. Hers will have no limit. You will have a ceiling but it will be high, most likely.



It's possible the pain of intimacy and vulnerability with you, which happens when people know each other for long periods, is destabilizing her. She likely fears abandonment and desperately tries to avoid it. However, pwBPD experience an abandonment of the self. Meaning, something traumatic happened to interfere with the normal development and integration of the self. She abandons her own sense of self. This is not something you can fix. 


Fighting an eviction, meaning you are being ordered to leave?


This is a lot of stress to carry while battling eviction, physical abuse, addiction, to say the least.

Supporting someone with BPD is often a team effort. Do you have anyone in your life who is helping you hold things together?

If not, you have us. You have this board. We're here and have walked in your shoes.


Leaving these relationships is complicated. You took a good, first, big, profound step. Often the best way forward is to build a sturdy scaffold one safe step at a time. No need to rush (often makes it worse).

Maybe it's best to just to keep unbottling what's going on. Don't worry if it's coherent (it is, btw).

Start with that tiny step. This crowd understands complex high-conflict relationships that feel life or death.

She's given you a long list of traumas.  Her perceptions may be real to her or a method to keep you in the relationship despite all the pain she is causing you.  If she has BPD, whether diagnosed or just undiagnosed behaviors, then her perceptions can easily trump the reality.  Problem is that unless there is independent validation from records or others, you'll never be sure whether all, some, or none of her claims are true.

Setting aside whether her traumas are real or not, the impact is that you're struggling.  This relationship is dysfunctional and unhealthy.  How were you before you met her, were you relatively stable and less stressed?