BPDFamily.com

 :help:

The struggle to pick the right describer for BPD on this post and who I’m supporting /my situation  is real.

How common is it that one realizes this is an all surrounding situation and child, spouse, husband, in-law, parent - ALL direct contact members have BPD or NPD. Delayed diagnoses given Covid.

How Is this possible? How do people get thru this without literally crumbling. Is it common to become aware of an entire SYSTEM developing around u that depends on your tap dancing to remain locked in current gear.

How to get thru this: My very early guess is : therapy, managing expectations.

Mother > NPD 100% makes childhood understandable.
 (Recent attempts to fill memory blanks by asking q yields, sigh, truth.cannot get a pic of my mom to save my life in my mind eye). I get it now. Empathy is there -
For her - I understand the 1970s social stigma/ lack of info / it went untreated.

Daughter BPD: I don’t know where it started age wise. I was just surviving my marriage and life. She’s now in ED treatment - DBT is working. This prob kicked it all off.

:the pain / relief of getting her  to treatment clinic is huge and empathy is there especially  understanding the genetic component + my stilted ability to communicate and her innate understanding of emotional disregulation power. Trending positive.
.
Husband BPD 100% = so tired/so complicated/ the most damaging as #1 mom and #2 daughter have taken so much energy and yet my daily interaction is with him + his own BPD is just deflating. And because of daughter I have limited resources to recognize and really appreciate the work he’s ABLE to do. Small increments for big effort. He is trying. I need to find a way to preserve and curate myself as the road is long it seems.

Has anyone felt like the cosmic firehose can just turn off right about now.

Has anyone wrestled with the reality that this many member mental health situation seems like possibly a very difficult hill to climb. Like statistically a fairly big load? Is this a thing?

My reality:

Me: no sense of self til precovid > loss of social structure and shift home changed everything. No sense of self. Here for others basically. Changed during covid as we were just a mess. Seeking peace in healing by helping daughter, then mom and I guess last husband.

Mother : low contact on the regular she’s in Florida
Father passed. I now understand his role as her … I guess protector ….given no medical diagnosis for her mental health. Such a life for him of sacrifice daily. Discarded like trash per expected while dying. Hard to see and maintain empathy.

Husband :
 BPD disregulates when control is in question. Mmm post Covid no fun. Constant. I picked him ; he’s a good man but needs different tools. Plus side - he’s willing to work towards better communication as he sees his daughter improving. Doesn’t get his (our) role in her struggle yet.but the more important thing is being willing to change.

 FIL : NPD discarded his dying wife during her waning days. Did everything to erase what was in front of him as she declined. son/daughter were too frozen by their own dynamic to step in

MIL: I don’t even know the right acronym for how to describe her - other than cautionary tale of what happens when you have no value to the NPD. No words. She could be me.

Daughter : BPD disregulates …..I managed to get her to outpatient and she is very much on board with a better set of tools for self. I feel happy for her .. maybe a change for future?

I am the nexus point connecting all of this mental illness.
 I am seriously standing here - like looking at the new reality.
Any sane person would look at this and question whether it’s possible to BE sane in this dynamic.

Not sure if matters if I focus on building my personal joy bucket I suppose … one step at a time and just offer what I can  consistently and thoughtfully.

I wouldn’t change the knowledge of the diagnosis and it’s load
It does explain a lot

But when it (the scary diagnosis) falls away
and I am left looking at the reality that many folks I love
need me to be so authentically able to do exactly opposite of what seems possible

To try and become the most resilient, boundary developing and consistently maintained emotionally controlled person.
To allow them to feel less triggered and learn new intrapersonal skills.

I question how to pull this off.

 My question(s)
1) family dynamics - multi gen with NPD/BPD Is this common?

2) What can a person do to ensure they have enough to give towards recovery. I would appreciate some tangible super easy to understand examples.

3) are you grieving but also same time resigned to the path - for example / I’ve wanted to experience a different “way” with them all and know it’s going to be so hard, after it being so hard already. It’s sad to know it is what it is.

4) at the same time, while looking at this road, which is difficult - is it also weird that each day we wake up and amnesia wise just go at it again? I guess it’s just a coping skill. Tomorrow is another day. The bliss of not holding on to feeling hurt too badly. You bounce back.

I apologize for even putting this all out there it seems so completely, completely difficult to grasp

Hi Whew125678, and great user name for your situation -- WHEW is right.

It makes sense that it's hard to find the right board for your family situation. In fact, it's not uncommon for members here to join "because of" one pwBPD in their lives, and then to discover that there are other people in their family or friend group who also show traits of BPD. So, yes, I'd say it's common to experience multigenerational PD dynamics.

Often, our FOO (family of origin) experiences can "normalize" disordered behaviors and relational styles to us, priming us for feeling comfortable around dysfunction without even realizing it.

I'm thinking we can start here on the "Bettering a relationship" board, as the tools and skills for decreasing conflict can apply to many kinds of relationships, not only spouse/SO, but also in-laws and children. If I had to rank the most game-changing tools I learned here, #1 would probably be BIFF communication (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0), and I think the #2 spot would be a tie between Radical Acceptance (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0) and Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0).

Have you seen any of those before?

Whew125678, please feel free to post on any board here on the site that fits the challenge in front of you -- for example, we do have a board for child with BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0) and one for parent/sibling/in-law wBPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0) as well.

Looking forward to hearing back, whenever works for you;

kells76