BPDFamily.com

Even though they split and rage, deep down are they pushing away to see if I'll come back and giver her attention? If deep down I just stay cool and give her attention sometimes it seems she calms down or moves on from her fight quicker?

I remember being a young kid and the way you get a girls attention would be to make fun of her even though in reality you liked her.  Backwards, but I remember doing that in grade school. As a young kid I hadn't learned social norms  how to talk to people so to get somebody's attention you push them away or say something negative so they'll respond to you.  Instead of her not knowing who I was,  now we were at least talking.

Is this the same kind of thing?

Or is giving them too much attention bad?  I met up with a friend for dinner last week and as easy as that sounds right after is when we started arguing again.  She must have felt left out she wasn't invited,  even though she was at work and unavailable.

I can share an interesting story about being invited. My BPD mother disliked my father's family. His family didn't speak poorly of her and tolerated the situation for his sake. BPD mother was vocal about how she felt about them. After my father passed away, I assumed that they'd have no reason to be in contact with each other.

There was a family reunion on his side of the family. We were going but they didn't invite BPD mother. We didn't imagine she'd care.  Why would she even want to be invited?

To our surprise, BPD mother was furious that she wasn't invited. We asked why- "you don't like them - why are you upset?" to which she replied that because she's my father's wife- on that basis, they should have invited her.

So here's an example of seeing things logically or emotionally. Logically, your wife was at work, so you ate dinner with a friend. Emotionally to her, she should have been invited, even if she couldn't go or even didn't want to because she is your wife. . Same situation with the family get together, even if my mother dislikes them, to her she should have been invited.

It's just so hard.  Don't know if it's worth it or not

I think that decision- worth it or not-  is an individual process. I like that this board doesn’t allow telling others to stay or leave because it’s so individual and complicated.