BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I'm not sure if I'm in the right place but my therapist mentioned my wife is showing some traits of BPD. I am finding myself bouncing back slower and slower from the put downs. I'm not as isolated as some of the folks on here that I've read about, but so many things seem to be a battle and I'm very frequently told I am choosing others above her, even if it's just a couple hours of seeing family on the weekend, for example. Recently on a Friday we went out for a drink and a bite to eat. On the way home she wanted to take a selfie, after the fourth one wasn't good enough I let a look of annoyance cross my face. I said I was sorry for looking annoyed, and I was happy to take another. But she made it bigger and bigger as my apology was too minimizing. Eventually she told me to leave her alone and stormed off. I let her get ahead of me by a few hundred feet before walking home myself. I get the following texts over the 10 minute walk home, and again shouted at me once we were both home.


"You're a jerk. You caused this, and instead of repairing, you're retreating. I can't stand you.

We had a nice evening and you ruined it over such a small thing. And you won't own up and fix it.

How the hell can we have kids if you can't be better?

Great apology.

I was so happy to be out with you. I felt like we were really connecting. So sad. You treat me like crap."

In the scope of things, this isn't that egregious, but I'm finding myself not able to let it run off my back like I used to. I'm feeling anxious all the time, trying to be perfect because I know something like this could happen if I slip for a moment, or sometimes seemingly just out of the blue.

Toward the end of my marriage my ex made herself super sensitized about my family and women nearby.


My ex too demanded apologies.  But guess what?  Her satisfaction didn't last and, again toward the end of my marriage where I was more consistently painted Bad, her perceived slights came back and she'd demand apologies again.  And again.  The pattern strengthened, an apology didn't last long.  I was faced with the question, how many times should I apologize for the same things?


This is all "projection", or call it Blaming and Blame Shifting.  In her perceptions, you're the one totally at fault, so you have to do all the fixing and she doesn't have to improve.

Typically this doesn't get better, it eventually gets way worse, no matter how much you grove, appease and attempt to reason.  Well, there could be one good long term outcome but for that to happen she would have to seek focused therapy and apply such therapy diligently in her behaviors, perceptions and life.

As much as you would like to have her listen to you, the weight of the relationship's emotional baggage is too much of a hurdle for her to get past and really listen to you.  BPD is a personality disorder where those closest are the ones impacted the most as well as the ones least listened to.  Her emotions get in the way and that's why a positive response, if any, is most likely with a no-emotional-connections therapist.


My strongest response is to this comment.  Please, please, please avoid having children together until you are quite sure your relationship has improved, from dysfunctional and unhealthy to functional and healthy.  There is a chasm between the two and you can't be blessed with children until that mental health issue is resolved.

The way things are your dilemma appears that you can't even be sure you'll be together for another year, much less 20-30 years to raise children.  I was in your shoes, as many members also have been.  They too were faced with decisions respecting dysfunctional, even hurtful, relationships and marriages and whether to have children (or have more children) when the mental health issues were so evident.  One lesson I didn't learn until I fathered our child was this: Having a child does not fix serious issues.  Rather, it greatly complicates the relationship and even more so if/when the relationship ends... with children you have added custody and parenting time conflicts.

I've slowly come to realize that you are right on the children aspect, I don't feel like it would be right to bring a child into this household as it currently is. She has used the fact that I want to be a father many times against me with comments like the one I mentioned. She's also expressed jealousy that I would be more tender and affectionate with our child than I am with her. I am guilted so often as it is, I can't imagine what it would feel like to be guilt tripped over giving love and time to a son/daughter and how that might affect the poor kid if they picked up on it.

My ex too demanded apologies.  But guess what?  Her satisfaction didn't last and, again toward the end of my marriage where I was more consistently painted Bad, her perceived slights came back and she'd demand apologies again.  And again.  The pattern strengthened, an apology didn't last long.  I was faced with the question, how many times should I apologize for the same things?