BPDFamily.com

I have a long history of living with family members with mental distress. My mother was unstable and my father protected her by keeping it a secret while at the same time putting the blame on us children for causing her stress.
I lived with my children’s father during twenty years, maintaining the family and doing all the outside things like shopping, taking children to school, doctors etc. Meanwhile he stayed inside the house, going out only at night when no one would see him. He was in charge of giving the children their dinner, but if he didn’t feel well, they waited until I came home from work at 11pm. He was physically and verbally violent with me. He openly showed favoritism towards our son. According to what my 45 year old daughter tells me now, he mostly didn’t even speak to her.
During all those years I also kept it a secret, until finally I fled, taking the teenage children with me. Most people I knew were surprised to discover there was a man in the house.
Since then my daughter and I have made various attempts to live together.  There has always been conflict but also loving care. The last attempt ended in painful disaster. She left my house in anger, leaving both of us deeply injured.
During the lockdown I had practically no news from her. I worried myself silly wondering how she was coping. Since then there have been small, intermittent exchanges with distance and caution. We both have suffered debilitating effects of long Covid. She was supportive by phone and messages, suggesting things she was researching and trying out. I recently returned to almost full strength and functionality, but she hasn’t.
She has gone thru different phases of inflammation and most recently is in an acute stage of OCD behaviour. Both of us have seen research exploring and demonstrating a tie between increased statistics of mental distress among people who suffered Covid infection. She called to ask to stay with me so now we are making a new attempt.
I want very much to help her, but also recognise that my way of being a carer until now hasn’t been good, neither for me nor the other person. I’m reading the advice in these forums about creating a support network. I started calling friends and family a couple days ago, but I oscillate between feeling guilty if I explain what’s going on for privacy reasons and wanting to let my people know so I don’t get myself back into the secrecy trap. I notice I’m sounding upbeat and calm while I explain that I’m asking support for me but don’t want it to be a list of her behaviour and symptoms. I am feeling more optimistic than in former situations because of greater information. Also, discovering this forum a few days ago also makes me feel less alone.
On the other hand, I’m also feeling scared and extremely sad as I watch her wash her hands until the skin falls off. She has gotten terribly angry with me for breaking rules I don’t know, breaking thru her barriors to avoid exchanging her “ genes” with the outside world.
She has moved into a geodesic dome I have in the backyard and is setting up her protected “ world”, taking into consideration the limitations on cleanliness in an outdoor living space. I don’t know how much I should accept her rules of distancing in our common spaces nor how to tell others about the distress it’s causing when I intrude on her limits.
Basically, I have no practice in creating a support group for myself without it becoming a description of her behaviour, especially since my people know about my pain at our last attempt and I don’t want to turn family and friends against her.
I am extremely interested to see any feedback any of you can give me. Thank goodness I have found you
:-)

wow - i just want to say you seem so incredibly thoughtful in a series of difficult situations, and trying the best you can to deal with these kind of constraints

I don't really have an answer, except to encourage you to keep strong connections to your support group.  Sometimes I say "my daughter doesn't like to be talked about, which i understand" in explaining why i'm vague or don't answer specific questions.  Maybe just expressing that you are looking for support without making anyone turn against your daughter just like you expressed it here.  Being honest about your feelings and where you need support, without sharing specific details.

Others who are in the support arena may understand too, like social workers etc.  I meet some of those folks at an open mic near by and they seem to have a deep understanding without sharing details.

Good luck in your journey, and hope also you can find support here!