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Hi all. As I am writing These lines I am just so confused about what happened in the last 10 days.

Short history:
So me and my gf, who is in therapy for bpd, have been together for 2 years. We were moving in together after 5 months (yes, i know...) and were planning on marrying, having kids, everything.

We had some Fights, were she was triggered and hurting me verbally and physically but i alwas managed to calm her down. We had a break in the beginnend of our relationship and she blocked me for some time but i begged and stayed in contact and a few days after we reconciled.

Because of her extreme jealousy i was slowly loosing contact to my friends and she was basically the center of my life. Now I know, we might have been in a codependent relationship.

As time went on I also got frustrated sometimes and startet arguments which triggered her and she would rage.

One week ago this was the case again and it ended with her telling me to leave the flat and even threatended to call the police. I went to my sisters that evening and the nex day we had no contact until the evening when she asked me via text what my plan was now. I called her immediately and we had a wonderful talk for 2 hours and cried together and Walter to continue the relationship. 

The next morning she went to her parents place to have some space and think about everything. We were still in contact via Text a lot and she told me she loved me so much. Then over the next few days her Texts became less, she wasnt sure if she could forgive me for starting the fight and saying if we ended the relationship we still would be friends. Then she suddendly texted me she doesnt want the relationship anymore. I was crying and asking why that was when we had plans to marry etc. She said she just realised she finally felt free and so much more happy without me.

Since then she only texted to discuss things regarding the split of our relationship (that she is moving out, what to do with planned vacations etc). I called her yesterday to ask what was going on and she was very cold to me, only providing short answers.

She still just wants to be left alone, says she is angry with me, doesnt love me anymore (feels neutral). In 3 weeks she will be moving out and is staying at her parents until then.

I am just so confused how all this could have happend in such a short timeframe.

Going from wanting to marry me to being cold and distant.

I just feel so confused at what is going on. I love her so much and I just dont know what to do.

Can please somebody explain her behaviour to me and what to do?

Hi Lonelyagain and *welcome*


I think one of the key "take-home" messages when dealing with someone with a personality disorder is that their behavior is not normal and therefore confusing to anyone who is not disordered in a similar way.  I'll try to break-down how your BPD exGF's behavior fits into the disordered way of thinking.

It may be helpful to learn to accept that she is disordered, and for that reason alone, she could never give you what you require in a healthy; that and you can never do anything for her if she is not appropriately motivated towards recovering from her disorder.


Something I've learned about people with BPD (pwBPD), in the beginning, arguments seemed like they were caused by misunderstandings, but in retrospect, they probably were the early signs of their disordered thinking.  So when they have their disordered feelings, such as "imagined" fear of abandonment, we can assuage their disordered feelings by insisting that we have no intention of leaving or abandoning them.

But over time, their disordered feelings escalate such that no amount of reasoning or compromising or promising, can counterweight their feeling that they will be abandoned unless they act first; unless they are the ones who abandons or leaves us first.  By being the abandoner, they can avoid being abandoned.


I'm a co-dependent myself.  For me, one of the key qualities of being codependent, is being so focused on other people's problems (or one specific person's problems) such that I end up avoiding facing my own issues.   When my issues get bad enough, I get obsessively focused on other people.  That's how the dynamic works for codependents and alcoholics; as long as the other person has intractable problems, the codependent can forever avoid facing their own stuff.  It's worthwhile to get support from groups like Alanon.


The part that she left out, of her "finally fe[eling] free" was that she wants to be free of her disorder thinking/feelings.  However, part of her disordered thinking is to habitually blame the other person for her feelings.  In order words, she wants to be free of feeling like *you* are always going to abandon her;  and even though you had no intention of abandoning her, she keeps feeling this way.  Even worse, the more she feels like she cares for you, the more she feels like it is inevitable that you're going to abandon her.

Now if she were honest with herself about her disorder, she might have accepted that most of these feelings are from her disorder talking to her.  But she's fighting behavior that has worked for her for most of her life. 

This is why most pwBPD have serial relationships, they keep wanting to believe that the "next" person is the person who won't triggered their disorders feelings.  And because in the beginning of each relationship, they barely know the person -- and that unfamiliarity makes the next person less likely to trigger their disordered feelings.  But it's only a matter of time until the disordered feelings come back.

I hope some of what I write is helpful to you.

Best wishes,

Schwing