BPDFamily.com

I am the mother of a 15yo girl. My kid sneaks out of the house at midnight to meet boy(s) and is promiscuous. Her relationships are high intensity and short lasting. I am afraid she is heading down a dangerous path of being exploited, trafficked, or worse killed because of the risks she takes.
What is an appropriate consequence for sneaking out and bold-face lying about it after she gets caught? Taking away her phone and grounding her for a month seem like the best choice right now, but I would like to know if there are better, more effective methods to discipline a BPD child.
Thanks in advance.

Hi Mulberry3
I remember going through this and it is so stressful. Around that time I got dd to a paediatric psychiatrist and in talking with me later he said that the usual behaviour management techniques often didn't work for a BPD child. This was how it was in my case.

How long has it been going on for and what have you tried so far? Does your dd stay out all night or part of the night and sneak back home? What boundaries/rules do you have currently and has she just broken them all?

I am wondering - if you haven't tried this plan before - if you tried taking the phone for one week to start with and at the same time go over very specifically what the boundaries are: when she can go out; what time she has to be home etc.

The reason I suggest one week is that one day without a phone for teenagers is an eternity. Umm just thinking as I type, I wonder if you tried it on a daily basis ie if you sneak out your phone is taken for the next 24 hours. This would make an immediate consequence with an intense short period of time following. It would also mean she wouldn't be able to follow up the next day on any plans made while she was out the previous night.

Teenagers are so 'in the moment' that it might work well that way.

Does she have a counsellor - or perhaps she can relate to her GP? I am wondering if discussing this behaviour and its risks with a third person might be helpful?

My dd clearly has BPD but looking back I think she should also have been diagnosed with ADHD - and if she had been treated for the ADHD the impulsive, reckless behaviour might have been lessened.

I hope you post again to let me know how things are going for you. I am sorry I don't have a particular way that was successful. I understand completely though, the stress you are under in this situation.

How is she sneaking out of the house?  We have a ring camera at our door that I love and security lights around our house so if someone leaves or enters, bright lights come on. It would be good to catch her in the act. 

The therapist we see is fine with taking the phone away.  She says we have a lot of power in paying for her phone and controlling its use.  Instead of looking at it as a punishment, what about telling her she can earn her phone back if she demonstrates, trustworthiness for a week or whatever.  I agree that a month is an eternity in teen time.  However, once the initial freak out happens, the calm after is worth it in my experience.

I just remembered what happened when I was a teen, and I had a suitor who would throw rocks at my window and then I would sneak out for some kissing.  My dad strung a fishing line between two empty coffee cans that had nuts and bolts in them.  My guy didn't see the string and tripped over it which made a loud noise.  Then he ran away making a huge amount of noise as the fishing line got caught around his ankle.

My dad came into my room and said "that'll be the end of that"  and it was.  My guy never did it again.

Of course, I didn't have BPD nor a cell phone back in ancient history, but it's a good reminder to look outside the box for solutions.