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Anyways, I thought about things, and realized the past couple of weeks I excessively shut my Dad down, and neglected things, this is super rare for me, but I was struggling this much. It was my bad, and it hurt me and my family. So gonna avoid this in the future, empowered my Dad to speak up if I shut him down too much, I need a lot of space, but not to the point where it hurts my family for days on end. But after my Dad guilt tripped me about some stuff on Father's Day and his birthday. I got fed up, asserted myself, and thought about it all.

I told him hey, I am not gonna always be the bigger person, if you want a relationship with me, you're gonna have to write out an apology and mean it, and admit your mistake here, and put effort into the relationship a bit. I told him I can do more, but it's too exhausting being the bigger person all the time. I had him admit his mistakes first instead of me.

He did, and he wrote out what sounded like a genuine apology, and that he'll try not to do that. And even said he was proud of how far I've come, and that meant a lot to me. I'm trying so hard not to blow it out of proportion, but that's the first time I've ever heard that from him. I just don't want to get my hopes sky high here, but I think it's awesome. I think I am going to deal with this like that from now on, if he messes with me, I have him admit it and apologize. Unless it's something really bad.

He even said it's hard for him to admit his flaws and he doesn't always know why he does things. I suppose that is so, I kinda think he might have done it on purpose, but I'll take this, as it seems like a vast improvement.

On the surface, this sounds good, but to me it also looks like the Parent-Child dynamic reversed. He, the Petulant Chlld (being punished and now contrite despite years of bad behaviors), and you the Punitive Parent.

Well I’m just trying to find any way to work with him, but yeah I’m kinda of suspicious of it. I do feel quite crappy today, and felt guilty for punching my pillow and venting a loud near him, which I don’t normally care about,, and those are the days he does well. I actually don’t want to punish, just want to find a way to work with him. I acted measured and mature about it. Even asserted myself in a more calm, and persistent way. I know I need to read the whole victim saint persecutor part of my Melody Beattie book, maybe I’ll do that today. I just get tired of being the one who holds everything up in the family or everything falls apart, especially with all this trauma. I normally feel so strong, but today I feel pretty vulnerable and it’s a struggle, just want a life that works man.

Edit: But yeah, I basically know that I am more of the parent and he's more of the kid. There's not much I can do about that one, that's just our maturity differences. He's already gotten to the point where he respects my boundaries and such. I just think doing small steps to try to correct his behavior without judging him, is the best chance I've got to do it. I just want him to recognize his mistakes. I was able to basically connect to my Mom heavily and love and have sort of a mutual forgiveness to some degree before she died, because of my bout in Buddhism back then. And now I am even more actualized, although trauma heavy, I think if anyone can correct it, it's me, but at the end of the day, it's up to him if he wants to cooperate. I'm not making him this high priority right now, but I live with him, so I need to make it work somehow. I think most people wouldn't do what I am doing, but it doesn't mean I can't make it happen.